Single and home for the holidays

Are you dating anyone? Is it serious? When are you going to get married? When are you going to start popping out some children?

If you're single and in your mid-20s, you may hear these questions when you return home for the holidays. And if you have a married cousin or sister with children around your age, it only exacerbates the fact that you are alone and childless.

However, because many of us know this is coming, it gives us a chance to be prepared.

As many of my friends can attest, I am a fairly sarcastic person. I use that tool to my advantage during the holidays. (Mind you, my family has become increasingly tolerant of this over the years.) So whenever a relative asks me any of the dreary questions, my retorts have included such rants as "Well between all the traveling and focusing on my career, I just don't have the time. So, how's it going with your daughter and her three kids, who still doesn't have a job nor has moved out of your house?" It may seem trite, but it puts things in perspective.

Oh and I've learned that when it comes to the question of having babies, telling a grandmother or a great aunt "give me 20 minutes, a decent-looking guy and some space to ourselves and I can make that happen" will usually give you a full year without the topic being mentioned again.

If you're single, how do you handle dealing with these questions on an annual basis? Have you tried different tactics and which one worked best for you?

P.S.: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all our loyal readers. For those who so lovingly comment on our posts, we will return Jan. 2 with new blogs.

Can I buy you a drink?

A fairly common dating ritual is for a man to offer to buy a woman a drink when they're out at a bar.

For men, it can serve as an ice breaker to open up conversation with a lady, and for women, the gesture can let them know which men might be into them that night.

All too often, though, I think this leads to one person taking advantage of the other one. I have been in several situations in which women have accepted multiple drinks from guys and chatted them up even though they had no interest in the man whatsoever. They just wanted the free drinks. Then, at the end of the night, or when they got tired of the guy, they split, leaving the guy with nothing more than a lighter wallet.

Other ladies expect a men to buy them drinks and won't even consider them if they don't.

Occasionally, a man may try to take advantage of a woman as well, possibly by slipping something in her drink or by convincing her that she owes him something for the free drinks.

It's enough to make me want to avoid the whole drink thing altogether.

Ladies: Do you expect men to buy you drinks? What does it say to you about a man who offers (or does not offer a drink)? Have you ever chatted up a guy, even though you weren't interested, just so he would buy you a drink?

Men: Do you feel you have to buy women drinks to get their interest? Do you offer drinks to women, no strings attached, or do you usually expect something in return?

Power moves in a power couple

As usual, I was having a conversation with a friend when we started discussing being a part of a power couple.

What brought this topic up? Seeing Hilary Clinton on television once again. We've seen a lot of Hilary, but not a lot of Bill. My friend spoke of how, though both were successful, every time one stood directly in front of the spotlight, the other took a step back.



Now, maybe both parties in a couple aspiring to presidency is a stretch for most of us. However, there are couples out there where both people are at the top of their game in every aspect including careers. He may be a CEO while she may be a booming entrepreneur.

Of course, we all wants someone who is equally yoked. However, the character it usually takes to become a major player in society is quite different from what it usually takes to have a successful relationship. Bringing the "take it all" mentality to the home where "giving of yourself" is vital can cause damage between significant others.

In a relationship where both people are very successful, what is the best way to balance each other's successes?

Interfaith couples and the holidays

On a day-to-day basis, differences in religion usually do not pose a problem. But the holidays can be an interesting time for an interfaith couple.

Say, for instance, your boyfriend is Jewish and you're Christian. Then, do you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, both or neither? Or perhaps you may choose to celebrate a holiday all of your own. My interfaith friends and I are celebrating Chrismakkah this year.

Once you decide how to celebrate as a couple, then you have to decide if you and your significant other are going to celebrate with each other's families. Will each of your families accept the other person, and perhaps more important, will your SO accept the traditions of your family?

Celebrating two holidays may seem like a no-brainer, but it can cause a couple stress if one person begins to resent the other person's religion. This would be especially evident during the holidays, which display the differences in religions more so than at any other time. It could be a sign that the person can't accept that an SO has a different faith.

Have you ever dated/are you dating someone of a different religion? How did you handle the holidays? Did it cause any problems in your relationship? What did your family/you SO's family think? Did it matter?

You actually thought we were going to do something?

Here's the scenario: You've been nice to a guy. Whether it's by saying hi to him whenever you see him or just hanging out with him, you've shown this guy you're a good person.

Then, maybe you have dinner with him or you're hanging at his place and all of a sudden, he is trying to make a move on you. He is under the impression that the two of you were going to have sex.

Mind you, this problem has been around since sex has been around. And the funny thing is no matter how many times it happens, it catches the woman off guard in many instances.

Sometimes, it's a wonder if sometimes we set ourselves up unknowingly. I've known women who have offered guys a place to crash or even traveled to see a male friend, only to learn they were expected to engage in intercourse. Other times, I think we may have been totally blind the entire time or better yet, just ignored it.

Now, a woman never owes a man sex (nor does a man ever owe a woman sex). I don't care if he or she is doing everything for you under the sun. That act is called prostitution.

Have you ever been in a situation where a guy presumed you were going to have sex? How did you handle the situation? Do you feel there are ways to avoid being placed in such a predicament?

Jessica Alba, single moms and marriage

Oh, Jessica Alba.

It was revealed earlier this week that one of the hottest ladies of 2007 is expecting a baby come late spring, early summer. As a result, Alba has added her name to a growing list of celebrities who are becoming pregnant or having children without getting married. Other single celebs include Nicole Richie, Halle Berry and, perhaps the most infamous, Angelina Jolie.

Yesterday, CBS's Early Show discussed whether celebrities were leading, or possibly encouraging, a nationwide trend to have children before marriage. Apparently, in 2006, the U.S. reached a record number of unwed, single mothers. The show's guest expert said celebrities were glamorizing what it's actually like having a baby. Average people, like you and me, need to realize that having a child while single is much more difficult than if we were married. Celebrities have a wide range of resources at their disposal, such as money, nannies and personal trainers for support, whereas we might rely on meager middle class wages to help us get by.

A simple fact is that for the average person, the traditional family structure: two committed adults pooling their physical and emotional resources for the betterment of themselves and children works. That's why it has persisted for this long. Are celebrity pregnancies out of wedlock trying to teach us otherwise?

Do you think that the glamorizing of pregnancy and motherhood is causing the erosion of the traditional familial model: start dating, get married, have kids? Does it matter to you whether you get married or have kids first?

Why are you calling me?

One of my favorite parts of the holiday season is receiving Christmas cards from loved ones, especially the ones filled with all types of news. This is also the time of year when you receive calls from friends and family you may not have spoken to all year.

However, the holiday season also brings the chance for the random (or not-so-random) ex to contact you.

Depending on what terms you ended, this could be a time to just say "Hey, glad you're doing well" or "Didn't I tell you to lose my number/address?"

While some are in a place where they can express the former, I know many more who can express the latter.

When it comes to an ex, once you're over them, it's something that you prefer to keep where it belongs- in the past. When they call or send letters, it can cause all kinds of emotions to resurface, good or bad.

And then it makes you wonder about the purpose behind their call. Is it purely to be nice? Are they just trying to make sure that they're somewhere in your thoughts?

Have you ever contacted or been contacted by an ex over the holidays? If they contacted you, how did you feel? If you initiated the contact, why did you do it? Do you believe an ex can call you with purely genuine motives?

Holiday dating

Dating can go two ways over the holidays:

1. Very good. You're going to lots of parties, meeting new and interesting people, being friendly and chatting up (available!) cute guys and girls.

2. Very bad. You're going to family get togethers where well-meaning relatives try to set you up with friends of friends, who you're not even sure aren't your distant cousins.

Given the hit-or-miss aspect of holiday dating, some people might just forgo dating around this time in general. But, really, it's in your best interest to grin and bear it through family set ups and make the most of the holiday parties and other friendly get-togethers. Parties offer the potential to meet new people in a fun environment, and there are more parties around Christmas, I think, than any other season. (Just take it easy on the egg nog. You don't want to end up going home with the strange guy wearing goofy reindeer antlers.)

Holidays put you at your peak for meeting new people, whether it's someone who works in the depths of your office building or your best friend's brother's friend.

Are you taking advantage of dating opportunities during the holidays? What is your holiday dating game plan? Or would you rather just stay inside and wait for the New Year?

When to let your hair down or keep it up...

Every relationship has important milestones such as the first time you kiss, the first time you go out on a date, the first time you....... you catch my drift.

Somewhere along the way, you may reach that milestone of a guy staying over for the first time which turns into a second time, then a third and so on.

But when does he find out that you wear a headscarf or rollers to bed to achieve the look that he so appreciates?

In the beginning, you may find ways to fake it such as just waking up early to fight with the hair products or opting for cop-out remedies like hair clips or ponytail holders.

But eventually, if he's staying over all the time, he's going to have to see that achieving that Pantene Pro-V commercial hair is not so easy.

I say after you have been intimate with a person, it should just be whenever you feel comfortable. A lot of times this milestone passes without much acknowledgement or thought. Yet, speaking to some of my female friends, apprehension can lead up to this point because you know he's going to find out you don't wake up perfect everyday.

So when do you believe it's time to start pulling out the headscarves, rollers in a relationship? What factors play a role?

How do you celebrate anniversaries?

Tomorrow my boyfriend and I will celebrate our one-year anniversary of being together. This is very exciting for me because I have never reached this milestone with anyone before.

So far, we really don't have any big plans. I thought I could cook something nice for dinner, and he came up with the idea of watching the movie we watched on our first date (A Life Less Ordinary). This is not only cute, but a good thing because I hardly remember anything about the movie because I was so nervous and distracted.

Of course, there is really no right or wrong way to celebrate a significant event or milestone. We could have just as easily made reservations at a nice restaurant but opted to stay in instead.

What are some ways you have celebrated anniversaries with your significant other? Do you prefer staying in or going out? Do you have any extremely touching moments to share? What about horror stories?

A right-ringed woman

In recent years, a new phenomenon has popped up- women who are willing to purchase a diamond ring for their right hand.

While some women are ogling over the various "buy her a ring" commercials that crop up this time of year, others are taking matters into their own hands.

The right hand ring is being touted as a show of independence and love for one's self.

Like an engagement ring, it comes with diamonds and a woman can design it herself. Proponents on various blogs and message boards have stated how it's empowering to purchase your own ring and get exactly what you want.

However, opponents have come out stating that it takes the symbolism away from the engagement ring. They also state that it may put less pressure on a significant other to purchase an engagement ring.


I say if you want to buy yourself a ring and you have the money to do it, then by all means, purchase one. Yes, it is often viewed as a symbol of a union when it's an engagement. However, the ring is not the destination or the goal. Life-time committment and all that comes with it is the goal.

What do you think of women purchasing diamond rings and wearing them on their right hands? Do you think it will affect their chances for marriage in the future?

Once burned, twice shy

There's an old cliche that applies to life in general as well as dating: Once burned, twice shy. Simply put, if we're hurt once, we'll be twice as suspicious about being hurt again.

This means that we could be unconsciously blaming our dates or partners for things they didn't do or even have control over. For instance, if a woman's ex cheated on her, she'll probably be suspicious of new men cheating on her. She may act paranoid or even accuse a man of cheating on her when he tells her he has to work late, even when that's the truth.

Similarly, a man who has dated a woman who wanted him only for his money, may worry that new partners want only the same. He may be resentful if the woman doesn't offer to pay, even if it's not her intention to take him for everything he's got.

Have you ever been a victim of this cliche? Have you been accused of doing something just because your date had a similar bad experience in the past? Have you ever accused dates of doing things that had happened to you in the past?

Too busy for romance?

No one wants to date a completely boring person. (At least I don't think so.)

That being said, it can also be difficult to date a person who is super-involved. I'm talking about dating the person who may be working, in school and is a member of several organizations. When you put two people like that together, the time for dining and dating appears to be even less.

But it can work. It just takes sometimes saying yes to romance and no to other things. (Please note that I said sometimes. You don't have to blow everything off to be in a relationship.)

Doing that may mean not volunteering for every committee. It could also mean not serving on every board at your church. Now, blowing off school and work is highly unadvisable, but you can modify those things which are purely an option and not a necessity in your life.

There's also outright compromise. That's when you invite the other person to engage in some of your activities and vice versa.

Have you ever dated a person who was extremely busy or are you one of those people yourself? How do you handle dating in that situation?

Dating, relating in a wired world

Hardly anyone can deny the importance technology plays in our lives. We're wired at all times, whether it be to the computer, cell phone or Blackberry. As a result, technology has an effect on our love lives as well.

Aside from the most obvious effect that technology opens up our dating pool to anyone we can reach via computer, it also impacts our daily dating and relating lives. Couples send short love letters via text message instead of pen and paper. Doting men and women flirt with each other by making suggestive posts on their object of affection's MySpace and Facebook pages. Cell phones allow couples to reach each other at all times of the day, whether it is just to say, "I love you," or chew out a partner for leaving dirty dishes in the sink — again.

As with anything regarding technology, there are pros and cons. On the plus side, we're so interconnected it can build a bond stronger. On the minus side, text messages can't be saved forever like a good old fashioned love letter.

How do you use technology in your love life? Do you think technology helps or hurts our dates and relationships?

Buying for your tap-dancing partner

Christmas season is here once again and you've made your list of people to commit a significant portion of your paycheck to.

In a perfect world, you would have a clearly defined relationship with all these people, particularly those of interest. However, in the real world, you may be in a gray area.

You and your person of interest may be "tap-dancing" around how to further develop your relationship, whatever it may be. In some cases, feelings may have been expressed. In others, maybe not so much.

All you know is that you're out shopping and you see something that would be perfect for that person. But then you have to ask yourself: Should I even give them something?

If you decide to answer in the affirmative, the next question is what and how much you should invest in it.

Since you're not in a relationship, you don't want to invest a whole lot. At the same time, since you are making the effort, you don't want to just give them any old thing.

No matter what, if you make the decision to get them something, you also have to be prepared for the fact that they may not have gotten anything for you.

Do you believe in purchasing gifts for people with whom you have no defined relationship? If so, how do you decide on the gift for the person?

Dating while inseminating

I almost laughed out loud at my desk this morning when I read the following sentence: "Welcome to the newest dating frontier -- dating while inseminating." Yes, someone actually wrote that.

Turns out, as single women age, more of them now are turning to an artificial route to pregnancy to satisfy that ticking biological clock, according to this article on msn.com. Women who continue to date while doing so face the awkward moment of telling the man they're seeing that they're trying to get knocked up with a stranger -- a medically approved stranger, of course. One such woman noted the irony of using a condom with her date, only to go to the doctor's office to be inseminated with sperm the next day.

Men react to this news in a variety of ways from being cool with it to running away in fear. From the woman's point of view, she doesn't want to run out of time to bear children, and she wants to be able to enjoy them while she's still young. From the man's point of view, this sort of takes away his chances of being a biological father for a child.

Women: Have any of you considered artificial insemination or already been artificially inseminated? Would you/did you date while you were having it done? How did you approach the subject with your dates? What were their responses?

Men: How would you react if a woman told you she was trying to artificially inseminate? Would that be a deal breaker? Why or why not?

Holiday break-ups

There is never a good time to break up a relationship. But it's even more tricky around birthdays and the holidays. And here we are, smack dab in the middle of the holiday season.

I have been faced with this dilemma twice. The first time, I waited until after the holidays to break up. I'm not sure exactly why. We were spending the holidays apart, so it wasn't hard to sweep the issue under the rug. When we returned from our respective homes, I realized how unhappy I was and called it off.

The second time, I called it quits mid-December. This decision was made partly in part because I was supposed to fly north to meet his parents around Christmas. I felt like doing that would be too insincere since I really wanted to break up with their son, so I called it off before the trip. Neither of these decisions were easy.

What do you think is the best way to handle a break-up around the holidays? Should you do it before or after holidays, birthdays and big events?

Have you been in this situation before, either as the one doing the breaking up or the one being broken up with? How do you think that situation was handled? Would you do it differently?

Offensive family members and interracial dating

My boyfriend discovered yesterday that a cousin somewhere on the family tree is a relationship coach for KMOX 1120 out of St. Louis. Her day job is a certified therapist. We listened to her show online last night, and it was quite fascinating.

One of the callers had this problem: The woman who was calling in was black, and her boyfriend was white. (That in and of itself, was not the problem.) The couple went to the boyfriend's house over Thanksgiving where the girlfriend met the family for the first time. Some of the family members were less than pleased with the interracial relationship and seemed to have no problem throwing around the "N" word. Obviously, this made the woman uncomfortable. She said her boyfriend said something to his brother about it, but the comments didn't seem to cease. She wondered what to do because she didn't want to be in the situation but also didn't want to make her boyfriend choose between her and his family.

Here's what the coach said: You can't change people's opinions, but you can ask them to be respectful. The boyfriend should pull offending family members aside and say just that, asking them to be respectful while in his girlfriend's presence. If this does not do the trick, the boyfriend should visit these members of his family by himself, and the girlfriend can visit with the non-offending members of the family.

What do you think of the coach's advice? What would you advise the girlfriend? Did the boyfriend handle the situation appropriately, or was there something else he could have done?

Have you been in an interracial relationship where your boyfriend's or girlfriend's parents did not like you simply because of your race? How did you deal with it?

Celebrity marriage, divorce

When it comes to love, I'm glad I'm not a celebrity.

While it seems that celebrities have all the fun when it comes to dating (come on, who wouldn't want to date Colin Farrell?), they certainly seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to marriage.

This proved to be more true than ever when the story broke that Hulk Hogan's wife had filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. (Not to mentioned it must have sucked for the Hulk to find out about the divorce from a reporter. In the words of Telegraph reporter Travis Fain: whammy.)

It's not very often that you hear about a successful celebrity marriage. Many of the more high-profile marriages are relatively new and haven't had sufficient time to fail. I imagine that being in the spotlight puts a significant strain on a marriage. It must be stressful to have every one of your actions scrutinized by the public eye.

Of course, in the case of the Hulk, the family chose to be on a reality show, and I wonder if that very decision led to the downfall of their marriage. It's probably safe to say if it weren't for their reality show, the couple probably would have lived a quiet(er) life out of the spotlight.

Why do you think celebrity marriages seem to so often fail? Have you ever been in a marriage in which you felt unnecessary attention to the relationship caused a strain?

With first impressions, looks count

Everyone says that it's what's inside that counts. For those who aren't so blessed in the looks department, we say, "But he's so smart!" or "She's got a great personality!"

But, let's be frank. Dating is all about first impressions, and most first impressions are based on people's physical qualities, no matter how smart or funny one may be. Most people do not approach another person because they heard a great joke from across the room but rather because they caught the eye of someone they find attractive.

I'm sure many people can relate. Within almost every group of friends there's "the hot one," who gets more dates and attention than all the others, even if his/her personality is not so great. Not that you would be friends with people without great personalities ;)

Before you call me shallow, this is not to say that being smart and having a great personality is not at all important. These attributes are probably some of the most important, but usually only are discovered after you've started dating someone. I'm talking about meeting someone before you even get to this point.

Also keep in mind that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, and what is beautiful to one person may be plain to another. Just think of any celebrity the masses are gaga over but you're not. (Angelina Jolie, anyone?)

Given that dating is about these physical first impressions, do you feel that your appearance has hindered your dating experience? Do you feel that you would have more success dating if people got to know you as a person beyond the exterior? Have you tried to minimize the impact of appearance by online dating or some other mechanism?

How important is a potential date's physical appearance? Have you ever gone out with someone you did not initially find attractive but then later developed feelings for because of other qualities? Do you approach non-attractive people for dates?

If only you knew ...

Sometimes when dating, it helps to possess certain knowledge about the individual you are going out with.

For instance, the man who makes the perfect dinner doesn't want to find out after the baby-back ribs are on that table that his date is a vegetarian. And the woman who wore her new perfume doesn't want to send her date to the hospital when he's allergic to it.

So today the topic is short and sweet: What is one thing you wish your date knew before going out with you? Or, on the flip side, what is one thing you wish you knew before going out with a certain someone?

So where do we feast?

First, let me say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Now on to the blog topic.

When Thanksgiving rolls around, some couples have to make a difficult decision. They must decide whose family to eat with.

Most of us, when we're in a relationship, want to spend the holidays with our significant other. But it can be a daunting task to figure out how.

For couples who live in the same city, making this decision can be a little bit easier. Each person can spend a little time with both families and everyone will be happy.

However, if you're in a long-distance relationship or either party's family lives out of town, it can become a little more difficult. It becomes a choice of one or the other, or possibly neither and spending the holidays without your honey.

And let's not even go into the repercussions such a decision can bring. If you choose your family and your significant other can't go, they could be mad. If you choose your significant other's family, your family could be a little peeved. Then, there's my favorite option: having dinner with just the two of you and possibly upsetting both families. But you will be with your significant other.

How do you make the decision over where to eat for the holidays when you're part of a couple? What was the reaction from those around you?

Danger in online dating?

The New Jersey legislature is considering enacting a law that would supposedly make online dating sites safer. The law, if passed, would require online dating sites to notify New Jersey residents if they conduct background checks.

On the plus side, it could screen out criminals. On the minus side, people can (and d0 -- especially if they're criminals) use fake names. On this one, I think I agree with a Yahoo! spokesman who said all this would do is provide a false sense of security. It definitely has the potential of making people less likely to follow safety guidelines if they think a person is clean.

I wonder, too, if there are any statistics available for how many people have had bad things happen to them as a result of online dating. I'd also like to see how this compares to traditional dating. I'm skeptical that online dating really has a larger risk than just meeting some random guy in a bar.

Bottom line: if you're into online dating, take the proper precautions. Meet in a public place, let someone know where you're going and when you'll be home and follow those gut feelings. Of course, those rules should apply to anyone who's dating, not just online daters.

What do you think about dating Web sites conducting criminal background checks? Do you think that online dating is not as safe as traditional dating? Why or why not?

Putting it all out there...on the Internet

Recently I was checking my friends' status updates on a social networking site. As I read through them, one stuck out way more than the rest.

One of my female friends listed, to paraphrase in the nicest way possible, her ex-beau's whole name, what his flaws were and how he could take a trip somewhere very hot.

I am all for expressing yourself and I know that venting in an old-fashioned journal or online blog can be very self-cleansing.

However, I couldn't help but wonder if this little status update was really right.

When you put something out that for the whole world to see, it shows that you are bitter. It also shows that you are concentrating on something that, by your own admission, was not worthwhile.

And let's not forget the object of your lack of affection finding it. They get the ego boost or the annoyance that you are still focusing on them when they may have moved on.

Basically, though tempting, there are very few ways, if any, putting something like that on the Internet makes you look any better. It may make you feel better for a little while, but that's about it.

Do you think it's right to put out dirty laundry about your relationship on a social networking site? Have you ever done it and what prompted you to do it? Was there any reaction to what you said?

Married but still miles apart

We've talked before about married couples who choose to sleep in different bedrooms. But what about those who choose to live thousands of miles away from each other?

About 3.6 million married Americans do just that in a trend dubbed "commuter marriages," according to TIME. Take, for instance, the wife who lives in San Francisco and her husband who lives in Denmark. Or the husband who lives in Los Angeles and his wife who lives in New York. They're making out just fine, and, according to TIME, commuter marriages are no more likely to fail than marriages between people who live together.

Commuter marriages often work because it allows both members of the couple to work where they want to. New technologies make it easier to keep in touch. Commuter marriages also may idealize the marriage, especially when you don't see your partner drooling on his pillow every night. In fact, the toughest part of a commuter marriage is adjusting to actually living together when that does happen, according to the article.

A commuter marriage sounds awfully tough to me, but I guess if you're up for it, research and anecdotal evidence show it can work.

Have you ever been in a commuter marriage? How did it work? Would you ever consider being a commuter marriage? Why or why not? Do you think a marriage will suffer if a husband and wife don't live together, at least in the same state?

Yours, mine or ours?

Making the decision to move in with a significant other is already a major deal.

However, the decision of whose place to choose can cause its own set of problems.

A lot of times factors such as costs, size and proximity come into the equation. A couple usually tries to pick the place that is most accommodating for both parties.

However, when moving in as a significant other, you make the transition from permanent guest to permanent fixture. This could mean changes in decor, schedules, grocery shopping habits and the like.

And I've even heard some people who, once their boyfriend/girlfriend has moved in, still manage to use the word "my" on a regular basis. (Ex: "my apartment", "my house", "my bathroom"). They've even gone so far as to tell them to get out in the middle of an heated argument.

That's a lot of changes and a lot of defiance to possibly go through.

I'm a proponent of temporarily living in one person's apartment until the lease is up and selecting an apartment together. This could even be done straight out the gate. This way you will be able to create a home that belongs to the both of you from the start.

For those that decided to share a place with their mate, how was the decision made? How did the transition work for you?

Dating divorcees

I've been told a story that when my mom was seriously looking at settling down, all the good men that were her age were either married or divorced. She couldn't date the married men and didn't want to date the divorced men, so she went after younger men. And, at age 27, that's how she met my dad -- a man who's five years younger.

On Tuesday, a fellow blogger asked us to touch on the topic of dating divorcees, some of whom have children. Of course, not everyone is adverse to dating divorcees like my mom was. When she got married it was in a different time when divorce was taboo. With the divorce rate how it is now, it's extremely likely that a large number of singles out there have been divorced -- especially as you get older.

The decision to date a divorcee, though, can be tough, especially for singles who have never married. The divorce automatically brings up the question of the person's commitment to marriage, along with musings of the past relationship and worries about maintaining a connection with the ex, especially if there are children involved. There can be jealousy issues, regarding either an ex or the time spent with children.

This is not to say that divorcees are not worthy of another commitment. If you've found someone you're interested in, you shouldn't write that person off simply because of a past marital status. However, you should know how you will behave around an ex or children, and you need to examine how you really feel about taking on any extra responsibility a second marriage would be.

And if you decide that's just not something you want to deal with, that's OK, too.

Have you/would you ever date a divorcee? Why or why not? If you have dated a divorcee, what issues did you have to deal with? What was the hardest part? Was it easier in any way? Would you do it again? Does being divorced have a stigma? Is it harder to find love as a divorcee?

Who runs this house again?

Living in a military town has certainly opened my eyes to the strain that can be placed on a relationship when a loved one is in the service.

That strain increases during a deployment and can even become worse after a long deployment.

While some of the people speak of being excited that their person is home, they also talk about what a transition it can be for the family.

In households where the military partner handled many of the household functions prior to deployment, a shift occurs. For a period of anywhere from six months to years, one partner has gotten use to controlling the finances, maintenance and every other aspect of the household.

When the military partner returns, some significant others are ready to relinquish all the duties they assumed in their absence. Others may like the way things operated while the significant other was away and may choose to maintain that way of living.

For the military partner who may have assumed that everything would return to normal, this can come as a surprise.

Are there any military wives or husbands out there who have dealt with this? How did you deal with it?

Give and take

Sometimes in a relationship, you do things that aren't particularly exciting to you simply because your partner wants to. Sometimes the company of the other person overrides any potential unpleasantness you might experience.

This week is one of those weeks for my boyfriend and me. Tonight, I know will not be my BF's cup of tea. We're going to see Disney on Ice: Princess Classics at the Macon Coliseum (we got free tickets, OK?), which I probably will get a kick out of , and he probably will groan through. Not to mention we'll probably be the only people in the audience without children.

But on Wednesday, it will be my turn to acquiesce when we go to Atlanta to see Tori Amos at The Fox (again, free tickets ... we got really lucky this week). I don't exactly listen to her music, but I know I'll have a great time just hanging out with the BF. Plus, it's at The Fox. Almost anything is good as long as its at The Fox.

For me, it's not about what you're doing, but who you're doing it with.

Have you ever done something you weren't interested in because it interested your partner? What are some of the things you've done? What are some things your partner has done for you? Why do you do these things? Do you think it's important to have this give and take in a relationship? Or do you feel that some interests are better kept separate?

Not having enough sex?

We all can recall the days of watching the sitcoms where the husbands complained of only having sex with their wives on holidays or on special occasions. Or better yet, some of us even have male friends who speak of how their sex life was better with their significant other in the beginniing of the relationship, before they got married or before she had a baby.

Understandably, some ladies are just tired. Working day in and day out takes its toll when you also have to be the manager of your own home.

According to some experts, not having enough sex can cost women more than they realize. The linked article shows how devastating it can be to your wallet to not have sex for three months. A lot of money goes towards painkillers and movies as well as spa treatments and therapy.

Now, some of the figures, I'm a little wary of. (Who pays almost $300 for a vibrator?) And I feel even if you have an active sex life, sometimes it feels good to be pampered and talk it out on someone's couch.

But there is something to be said for the uplift in mood that comes after having sex, particularly when done safely in a monogamous, fulfilling relationship. It's exercise and relaxation all rolled into one.

Do you feel that you are having enough sex? If so, why not? Do you agree with the article's statement of costs related to not having sex?

He moved on, she didn't

One of the hardest blows to a person's ego is finding out that a former lover who you are still trying to get over — or who you thought you got over — has actually moved on before you.

And it's one thing if you had only been dating a few months. It's a completely different thing if you had dated for years. The other night I read online (I don't remember where, or else I'd link it), about a woman who learned her ex was engaged to another woman, just months after they had broken up. And she and her ex had dated for five years!

The woman had all the obvious feelings: jealousy, betrayal, disappointment, sadness. A situation like this automatically makes you question yourself about what's wrong with you. You wonder why — after so many years — your partner didn't propose to you but rather someone he barely knows (comparatively speaking).

These feelings are normal, but in such instances it's important to keep in mind that what one person does post-break up, has nothing to do with the other. Even just months apart can change a person, and two people can be drastically different than when they dated.

Have you ever been in a situation where your ex moved on or got married before you did? Did it bother you? If so, how did you deal with it?

I'm not your alibi

Here's the scenario: Your close male friend who is dating a mutual friend calls you up and says "If she asks where I was at Saturday night, tell her I was with you."

Now, of course, your male friend is doing something he is not supposed to be doing. By making this request, he's putting you in the position to be right in the middle of it.

You have a few options. You could tell him to go shove it and leave you out of it. You could tell him to come clean with the mutual friend. You could also tell on him.

When situations include more than one friend, it tends to become messy. If you tell, the mutual friend may still wonder how long you knew the guy was a jerk. You may lose her trust. Backwards, I know, but we all know how logic can change when emotions are involved. If you try to convince him to tell or threaten to tell, he's going to be upset with you. Or worse yet, he may pull one of those "well Raven told me I should tell you" again showing you possessed knowledge before she did.

My usual thought process is to stay out of it. If the mutual friend calls you that night, make sure you're screening your calls and don't answer it.

So how do you believe you should handle the situation? Should you serve as the friend's alibi? Should you tell the mutual friend? Should you stay out of it completely?

'We were on a break!'

In perhaps one of the more memorable Friends episodes, Ross and Rachel argue about whether it was acceptable for Ross to sleep with someone else while he and Rachel were "on a break."

In Rachel's eyes, the break did not signify a permanent decision, nor one that allowed the pair to sleep with other people. It was just some time off from each other. In Ross's eyes, a break was just that -- a separation from the current relationship.

Before taking such a break, couples should discuss the terms of the break that they expect each other to adhere to. From the above example, it is obvious that people have different ideas about what actions are allowed in a break and what aren't. For example, can you date other people? Can you kiss other people? Can you sleep with other people? These should be questions asked before a break goes into effect.

Personally, I think that if you need a break, you might as well break up for good. However, I know it is possible for some couples to take breaks and come back and have successful relationships.

What defines a "break" for you? Have you ever taken a break from a relationship? What were the terms? Did you end up staying with the person you took a break from?

Could it be as easy as breaking the rules?

Every woman knows the rules about dating when to call, what to say, how long to hold out, etc. The basis is manipulate, bait and then capture.

Yet, some women follow this rules to the letter and they're still single.

This article breaks down how the rules may be the wrong way to get a man.

In the article, the author points out that the basic form of dating most people engage in is like a game of the predator and the prey with the roles continuously switching.

Instead of engaging in this tiresome activity, the author encourages women to stop thinking about relationships and focus on themselves.

Her basic three steps to find a soul mate are gain self-awareness, self-worth and self-engaging.

What do you think of using this dating tactics? Have you used this tactics or similar tactics with success?

Proposal pressure

One of my best friends got engaged over the weekend (congrats Linds and Spencer!), and it got me thinking about all the pressure men face to make the perfect proposal.

First of all, the man is the one expected to make the proposal. Even though we're in an age when women frequently ask men out and pay for dates, it's still taboo for women to pop the question. Even if we've discussed it with our SO, we still want to be asked.

And once he's about to pop that question, we want to experience that "special moment." Now that special moment may differ from woman to woman, but I think I can safely say few women want their men to nonchalantly ask those four words while watching TV and scratching themselves.

The pressure that has mounted on wedding proposals, I think, has only been intensified by the increasing importance put on other events such as prom. Nowadays, an invitation to prom could consist of a scavenger hunt and dozens of red roses. A woman who received that treatment as a teen is only going to expect more as an adult.

I could go on a slippery slope here and say giving extravagant proposals means spending more money which means more couples start out their married lives in debt, but I won't go there.

Why do you think it's still the man's job to ask a woman to marry him? Why do you think proposals are getting so extravagant? Men: Do you feel pressure to perform the perfect proposal? Women: Would you be disappointed if a man's proposal did not live up to your expectations?

Why get married?

To quote a recent statement by one of my friends: Marriage was a sacred institution.

Ok, maybe that was a little extreme, but I've been reading more columns and hearing more people question the need for marriage in a relationship.

Some have said it has no purpose, especially for those who are not highly religious. Marriage is a fundamental part of most religions and therefore, creates no need for people who are not religious to engage in it. Or so the argument goes.

Others note that marriage comes with financial and insurance breaks, but even some insurance companies are acknowledging "domestic partnerships".

And then there's the whole children argument, but there are single women opting to adopt and checking out their local sperm banks. And as we have seen on this blog, finding an eligible member of the opposite sex that you're willing to have a child with is not as easy as it seems.

And then let's not forget how many people out there have lost hope in fidelity. If you listen to some people, everybody cheats. No one can be with anybody for a long time without cheating. So, to them, the second the vows are made, the partners have already told their first lie.

I honestly believe that at the very least marriage is a long-standing (read forever) social contract between you and your partner where you commit to loving and caring for only each other through good times and bad. And, unlike dating, the community acknowledges and in most cases, celebrates it with you.

So today's question is simple. Why should people get married?

Ditching bad dates

Sometimes you need to get out of a bad date fast.

Sure, you could ask your friend to call you at a specific time to check up on you, but if he forgets, you'll be stuck with Mr. Boring or Ms. Stuck up for the entirety of the date.

Instead of wallowing, you could plan ahead.

That's part of the pitch for PopularityDialer.com, which will call your cell phone at a time you designate. (The other part of the pitch is that taking lots of (fake) phone calls will make you popular. I think that just makes you lame.) The automated voice will prompt you to carry on a conversation, and then, if you so choose, you have an instant out. Calls you can choose to receive include: a male voice, a female voice, a call from "your boss" or a call from a cousin in need.

Many daters have back-up plans, albeit probably not this outrageous, in the event a date sours. Some daters suddenly "feel sick" or fake a phone call that informs of a family emergency.

I tend to just suffer through bad dates because I'm afraid of hurting the guy's feelings. But many people have other ways.

Have you ever ditched a bad date? What was your excuse? Did you feel bad about it?

Somebody has to make the first move

So you like a person and all appearances show that the person has some interest in you.

You make casual conversation. You may even talk regularly on instant messenger or find yourself going to the same outings.

However, no one has made a move in that direction. The problem is somebody has to make the first move.

Oftentimes, being interested is like being at the middle school dance. Boys are lined up on the one side and girls are lined up on the other. Everybody wants to dance and nobody wants to make the first move. Yet, once someone makes the first move, everything falls in line and the dance is jumping.

If you're like me, making the first move depends on the object of affection and intent. Usually, if I see the guy is shy, I'll make the first move. If the guy tends to be the more assertive type, I tend to fall back and wait for him to make the first move.

Now, of course, sometimes, when I make the first move, I get rejected. That's a part of life. Other times, we decide to move in a positive direction, but it just doesn't work out. Yet, when neither one of us tries, I'm going to be left to ponder the "what ifs".

How do you feel about making the first move? Do you find it's better to take initiative or stick with the wait-and-see approach? If you've ever made the first move, how did it work out for you?

Combining his and hers

Eventually I'm going to have to come to grips with sharing my living space with a man. Whether it be a marriage situation or before then, at some point, my stuff is going to have to mix with his stuff. And that terrifies me.

It's not that I wouldn't enjoy a man's company. It's just that he'll probably come with his hands full of items that I simply don't deem worthy of being displayed in a home, things that he holds close to his heart that I would want to throw in the trash.

I mean, sometimes guys just keep weird stuff. Like a giant traffic cone. And sometimes they keep juvenile stuff. Like posters of hot celebrities. And then there could be action figures or swords or who knows what else that's hiding in the back of their closets.

To be fair, surely any man wouldn't be too thrilled with my own current decorating choices, which consist of bright colors, including a lot of pink. But that's OK. I can change that. I'm not married to pink. There are lots of gender neutral colors that, if chosen in appropriate patterns could be chic and nice, not too girly and not too bachelory. (Yes, I made up that word.)

What would be the appropriate way to mix his and hers without catering too much to one person? How do you decide what stays and what goes? What kind of things does your SO have that you would not want in your house?

Off topic: Thought some of you would find this Ask Lynn relationship advice column interesting.

Here's a summary of the question:

I am a 27-year-old, single, highly educated female. I can honestly say I have never had a boyfriend. ... I’ve read the books, and I’ve tried EVERYTHING (online dating, getting set up by friends, being friendly, going out and about, church)... including not trying. ...

I currently live in a smaller, semi-rural city. ... Everyone I know thinks I am a great person — I have a great personality, I’m fun, I’m fairly easy to get along with, and I even have a pretty decent body — there just isn’t anyone out there who even looks at me. ...

What am I supposed to do? ...

Read the answer here.

What do you think of Lynn's advice?

Before tying tubes and snip snip, talk to your partner

I'm a full believer that communication is necessary in a relationship when making a life-altering decision. It's especially of the utmost importance when the decision affects both of you.

That's why when it comes to vasectomies and tubal ligations, I think it's plain wrong to get one without having a discussion with your significant other.

Now, I know some people believe that if it's my body then it's my choice. However, once you get married, that choice affects a lot more people.

Yet, not telling someone that you plan to end your ability to reproduce speaks volumes about a you. Literally, it says you don't want to have a child. However, in a deeper sense, it almost says that you're selfish and controlling. Selfish because you're making a decision that will affect your union forever on your own. That says a lot about what you think of your partner's feelings. And it makes you controlling because you've determined the course of action by yourself.

Do you think the partner should be involved when making such a decision?

In sickness and in health

I've been a little under the weather this week with a basic head cold, which is no fun. But I was lucky that on my worst day, my boyfriend came over to my apartment, cooked dinner, watched some TV with me and tucked me into bed. What a sweetheart.

A few years back when I was dating another guy, I wasn't so nice.

My boyfriend at the time was sick, and he insisted that I stay with him the entire time. He wasn't feeling well one night, so I went out with my friends, only to have him complain that I wasn't taking good care of him. And since he complained about it so much, when I did do something nice, like bring him soup, it felt forced and not genuine, even if it was.

When I talked with friends at the time, I received different reactions, which basically could be divided into two sides: my single friends and my friends in relationships. The friends in relationships said things like, "Awww, you left him all by himself?" and my single friends said things like, "Why should you stay home when he's the sick one?" I never was sure if I was overreacting to his requests or reacting appropriately.

What do you consider proper etiquette when one person in a relationship is sick? And I'm not talking about being terminally ill or seriously sick. I'm talking about a cold or the flu. Should the healthy one always stay at home taking care of the sick one? What have you done in the past? Why do you think single people and non-single people view the situation differently?

After a certain age and time, time to move out

Before I go into this blog, I would just like to preface this by saying I know that people fall on hard times and some people have no reason to really get their own place because they're never in one place very long (i.e. military men who are constantly deployed). Hey, you may even have to stay at their parents' house to take care of them. That is all very understandable.

However, for the men and women who are living comfortably with their parents because they're being cheap or lazy, it's not attractive. It's just really not. And being cheap is different than trying to save up money for your own place.

And again, I'm not talking about someone who is 18 who may be scared to face the world. I'm talking about 30-something year old (and I've heard of older) men and women who can't cook, clean or do their own laundry and is just fine with Mommy and Daddy doing it for them. The person may or may not have a job, but it still doesn't matter because they likely won't pay rent anyway.

When it comes to dating, most people usually want someone who is near or beyond the level they're at. Living with one's parents, depending on the circumstances, beyond your 20s is a serious sign of regression and may be a sign someone may not be ready for an adult relationship. Why the 20s? That is the time when many of us have started embracing, or cursing, all the responsibilities and privileges that come with being an adult.

On that note, have you ever dated an adult who was staying with their parents? How did that relationship work out for you? For adults who stay with their parents, why are you staying there and does it have an effect on your romantic relationships?

More on Macon singles

It's evident that many of you believe there are no good-looking, intelligent, classy people in Macon.

I would beg to differ because most likely the people lamenting this problem are good-looking, intelligent and classy themselves (otherwise, they really need to lower their standards). Plus, I have a number of very normal single friends who, yes, live in Macon with the very same dilemma.

So the issue isn't that there is a lack of respectable singles but a lack of ways for singles to find each other. Here's what I see as the main problem that plagues anyone in any city trying to find a date:

As humans, we are creatures of habit. We go to the same places and hang out with the same people. If we are never introduced to new places or new people, we will never meet anyone new. This is fine if you enjoy dating your friends, but not so great if you want to expand out of your circle. Such a situation is why vacationers and newcomers often find dates: they don't know anyone to start with, so each person they meet is a new opportunity.

But the same question still exists: Where do you go to find all these people?

That depends on what you're looking for. Think of what you enjoy doing or would maybe like to try. Then actually go do it! If you like biking, join a cycling group. You could also volunteer some time with an organization like Volunteer Macon or join a civic organization like the Kiwanis Club or Rotary Club. If you're too shy to do something new alone, invite a friend. Just remember to meet other people, too.

You may meet your next significant other at any of these events. Or you may not, but you could meet your next SO's best friend, sister or even grandmother. Make new friends and make friends with their friends.

I don't promise this will be easy, but if you're doing something you enjoy, it should be fun. If you never venture out of your comfort zone, you may never meet that special someone.

Why do you think it's hard for people to leave their comfort zone? Have you ever attempted what is described above? What happened?

Providing the mistress

The holiday season is coming up and many well-meaning girlfriends and wives are pondering what to get their boyfriends and husbands, respectively.

We all know about boys and their toys whether it's electronics or power tools. Depending on the guy in your life, you could be looking at the various IPods or a chainsaw.

My friend recently purchased her boyfriend a video game for a special occasion. She gave it to him Saturday and haven't seen him since. She was concerned about his whereabouts until she realized he was in the back room of their apartment with the video game for hours on in.

And then I can recall my mother purchasing quite a few tools in the past for my dad. Whenever dad got a new tool, he became the neighborhood Mr. Fix-It because he didn't want to put it down. When the sun rose, he would be out and he would not return until long after the sun set.

The only issue is, at least in the beginning, the men can become a little obsessive and spend much more time away from you.

You have met "the other woman" and you handed her to him wrapped in a bow.

Have you ever purchased a present for your beau that affected the time put into your relationship? How did you deal with it?

Where singles mingle

After an anonymous poster wondered aloud last week where all the singles hang out in Macon, I started wondering the same thing.

My initial thought was at El Azteca, probably because that's where I met my boyfriend. I can't speak for all nights of the week, but I know that on Wednesday nights when the restaurant hosts trivia the place is hopping with people flirting with each other.

I also remembered a co-worker telling me that joining various church groups helps introduce you to like-minded people.

Other than that, my well was dry, so I thought I'd ask some locals where they go to meet other like-minded singles. I did this for about 30 minutes until I realized I was doing this during a weekday, so my chances of finding many gainfully employed (ie, date-able) people were slim. Although I have the best intentions to finish my survey at a later date, I'm not sure that I will, so here's what I've found out so far.

(The following answers come from people found on Mercer University's campus, so they're from a young demographic.)

• Bars seem to be the default answer for people seeking dates. Most frequently named were the Hummingbird and Dea.

• One guy said he hung out on Cherry Street when he was looking for a lady.

• Parks, like Tattnall Square or Washington, were cited as places to meet the opposite sex. It is especially helpful if you have a puppy with you.

What are some of the places you find other singles in Macon? If you're in a relationship, where did you meet your significant other?

Make me a match, not you

You have to love well-meaning friends.

When they see that you have not been on a date in awhile, they start going through that Rolodex in their memory to find you a date. This can also happen when you get out of a relationship with someone they couldn't stand.

They start thinking about old school friends or people at work, trying to find someone single who they feel is compatible.

Depending on how you are, you either blow your friend off or appease them by agreeing to a date.

However, when you go out on the date, you figure out that the person is perfect all right. Your date is a perfectly suitable mate for your friend. Everything from their style of dress to their values to their interests screams out they would be compatible with your friend.

Now if you've ever watched any show centered around a group of friends, whether it's Friends, Sex in the City or Girlfriends, you know how different friends can be from one another.

Rachel and Chandler would not have worked. And Miranda probably would've strangled Big after about his third screw-up. Yet, Chandler suited Monica and Carrie and Big were meant to be.

Like those shows, my friends and I have a lot in common, but we almost never agree on what makes a man attractive or our dating styles. So, when trying to help a single friend out, we try to keep that in mind.

Do you trust your friends to set you up with someone who is compatible with you? Has your friend ever tried to set up with someone who was more compatible with them? How did it go?

Get her to say, 'Yes'

I was trolling around MSN today and came across this story about how to ask a woman out (and get her to say yes). The tips are pretty good, and I could hardly see them backfire. In the spirit of equality, though, I would apply them to women who want to ask men out, too.

Here's a brief summary of the tips, as listed on the Web site.

1. DO be straightforward. If you want to go out with her, just say so.

2. DON’T ask her out via email. It's too impersonal and makes it too easy for her to say no. (Same goes for texting, MySpace and Facebook.)

3. DO look her in the eyes and smile when you ask her. Confidence is attractive.

4. DON’T pass the buck to her. A shy woman may not act on it.

5. DO practice your cool, can-do tone. Such a tone makes the act sound casual and not threatening.

6. DON’T be vague. Plans that aren't made usually never happen.

7. DO knock it out of the park with originality. Dinner and a movie is so passe.

8. DO make it clear it’s a date with one specific phrase. Don't leave her wondering if you're going out on a date or just as friends.

What are some other tips you would add to this list? What usually makes you say, "yes," to a date?

Love union=financial union?

I've made it to 25 with a good credit score, no loans and a very small amount of credit card debt. My bank account is always in the black.

However, once I seriously dated a guy who received overdraft slips on such a routine basis that they came with the missing child advertisements. Every slot in his wallet was filled with a credit card. And some of those were maxed out.

Would we have been a compatible couple for a joint banking account? Doubt it.

While I enjoy shopping every now and then, I'm a person who always knows exactly how much is in her account. When sharing an account with someone, I can't always have that luxury. They could be out purchasing a new big screen television while you're trying to pay the rent.

It would take a lot of communication and a person with a similar financial mindset for me to consider a joint account.

However, I have friends who live with their significant others and husbands who were filled with glee when the checks arrived with both their names on it. Some decided all the money would go into one account and others decided to maintain a separate account while relying on the joint account for major shared expenses. If I had to do a joint account, I would opt for the latter.

What is your view on sharing a joint account? Should only married couples consider joint accounts? Do you share a joint account with your significant other or spouse and how well is that working for you?

Group dates vs. one-on-one

When you're getting to know someone, do you prefer to go out in a group or meet together one-on-one?

Let's examine the pros and cons of both.

Group dates
Pros:
• The pressure to be entertaining at all moments of the date is released a little. With other people around, the spotlight won't always be on you, and you can breathe for a minute.
• You can see how your date interacts with a variety of people. How he or she treats friends mostly likely reflects the way you'll be treated.
• You can observe how your date talks about and treats you. It's a good sign if your date's eyes are glued to you despite all the distractions.
Cons:
• With other people around, you may not have a good chance to talk specifically to your date and really get to know him or her.
• If the group date consists only of his friends, you put yourself out for judgment.
• You could set yourself up for being in the friend-zone if the activity is too friendly and not date-like.


One-on-one dates
Pros:
• You have time to get to know your date on a personal level.
• You can measure his gentlemanliness or her classiness.
• You set the mood for how you want the date to go.
Cons:
• You may be nervous and unable to think of things to say, which may lead to an awkward silence.
• You may not get a whole picture of your date.
• You could need a way out of a bad date.

In the end, what it all comes down to is personal choice. I prefer one-on-one dates in the beginning and group dates after we've gotten to know each other a little bit.

What are some pros and cons of group dates vs. one-on-one dates? Which do you prefer?

Relating by the book

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. The Rules. He's Just Not That Into You.

These are all the names of best-selling books intended to inform readers of ways to develop healthy, successful relationships or determine unhealthy relationships so that one can terminate them.

My friends and I have all, at some point, read a relationship book for one reason or another. I have one friend who was so focused on the "rules" that she ruled herself out of a relationship. And almost every person I know who has read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" hated it because they realized their main feature of attraction at the time was not into them. (Though I would think feeling the need to purchase the book should be a major indicator and could save you a few bucks.)

For the most part, I read them for comic value, especially if they have anecdotes. It's amazing the crazy things people will admit to in a book.

From the books I have read, all the "good" ones give the same, common-sense advice: communicate wisely, go with your intuition, be open. Nevertheless, writing such books is a million-dollar enterprise that continues to grow.

Have you ever read a book on relationships? What book was it and did it help you romantically?

Couples costumes

As Halloween and costume parties roll around, it's typical to see couples dressed in costumes that complement each other. Doctor and nurse, Fred and Wilma, and Cinderella and Prince Charming are only a few that probably will wander into a costume party at some point this year.

Cutesy as these costumes are, they are mostly unoriginal and don't take much thought to put together.

My friend and her boyfriend, though, have costumes planned that, I think, take the cake. She's going to be a cop (a sexy cop, of course), and he's going to be the University of Florida student who was tasered. The idea is original, timely and hilarious -- everything a great Halloween costume should be.

My boyfriend and I won't be dressing alike this year; he's actually coupling with a friend to be the Blues Brothers. In the past, the only couples costume I've done was with my sister when were kids: She was a box and I was a UPS delivery person.

Of course, there are some pretty bad couples costumes as well. Most anything that involves a man wearing tights is a no-no in my book.

What are some of the best couples costumes you've seen? What about the worst? What are some that you'd like to see? What is your costume this year? Do you think it's cheesy or cute when couples make their costumes match?

Why did you have to tell me THIS now?

I'll be honest. I love watching romantic comedies. From My Best Friend's Wedding to the Wedding Planner, a common device used is the revelation of romantic feelings for someone at the very wrong time, like right before they're about to marry someone else.

And just when I thought it could only happen in the movies, I began hearing stories from friends and family members of being on the other end of this expression. Usually, the stories came after someone became engaged and someone stated in some form or fashion "I thought I was going to be the one to marry you."

From there, the conversations went downhill. One person actually responded "well if you had told me this two years ago before I began to think of you as my sister, it could've been different." More or less, they all responded in some way that said the timing was inappropriate.

While I'm all for expressing how you feel, after someone has gotten engaged and right before they get married is the wrong time to do it. More than likely, the person is already going through a lot of convoluted emotions as they are about to take a major step in their life. Revealing that you have been in love with them for the last five years is not going to help and only going to confuse them more.

Has someone close to you ever expressed feelings for you when you were heavily involved in another relationship? How did you react? How did it affect your relationship with that person?

Tell a white lie

Truth be told, I could use some help telling little white lies.

When my boyfriend got a -- in my opinion -- horrible haircut, my face said it all. And I didn't pretend to like it either.

"Why did you do that?" I asked him with disdain dripping from my voice.

OK, so it wasn't my finest moment. I know that when I get a haircut I would like my boyfriend to compliment it, even if he doesn't like it, or else I'd feel in the dumps. I imagine my own comments didn't raise his spirits much. And although I feel the need to always say what's on my mind, one expert says white lies aren't all bad, and can actually be good for any type of relationship.

The major difference between a white lie and a hard lie is that a hard lie is said to protect oneself, whereas a little white lie is said to protect someone else. Relationships can be complex and tricky at times. Sometimes a harmless, thoughtful pleasantry is just what the doctor ordered.

Sounds good to me. So what types of white lies are OK? Those that preserve someone's feelings, protect a child's innocence, serve as passing pleasantries or are compliments, according to the expert.

Just a word of caution though: if you really don't like something (for example, a dinner I cook), you better tell me unless you want a repeat. If you talk about how good it is, I'll do it again just to try to please you!

Do you believe white lies are OK or do you prefer brutal honesty? What are some other white lies that are OK? Where do you draw the line? What's the worst lie you ever told in a relationship?

Getting friendly on the rebound

Last night, I was watching this show called "The Game" where one of the female leads recently learned her boyfriend was cheating on her.

Long story short, she moved out of the apartment she shared with her boyfriend and in with a close male friend. During a moment where she's hurting and talking, a friendly kiss turns into a heated romp.

Prior to having sex, the friend was offering to assist her financially with transportation and a living location. However, after hooking up, she decides she cannot accept his help because he wants more and she doesn't want him to be "the rebound guy."

Now, I don't know too many women who have male friends that would provide them with all expenses paid shelter and transportation, but I do know a few who have had a vulnerable moment with a guy friend after a relationship malfunctioned.

It's not a difficult situation to find yourself in. Most women I know select nice guys to be their male friends. Appealing qualities in a male friend are that you can trust them and they will protect you. After someone has broken your heart, you want to feel safe and be around someone you can trust. You also want to feel loved.

However, while you get that moment of security, you set yourself up for a time of awkwardness. It may have been a release, but now you have to concern yourself with the future of your friendship and how the other person feels about what happened. On top of all that, you're still reeling from a recent relationship ending. Hopefully, you won't have to deal with two relationships ending if the other person decides they have deeper feelings for you than you have for them.

What do you think of rebounding with a friend? Have you ever been in that situation and how did it turn out for you?

Trophy wife economics

I really got a kick out of this, and I hope you do, too. A friend sent me this funny item that was originally posted on Craig's List and has been repeated on many blogs. I believe the original post on Craig's List has expired, and that's why I'm not linking to it.

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple.

But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as
gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

You've gotta respect the two posters for telling it like it is. In their spirit of honesty and candidness: how do you feel about trophy spouses (hey, women can be rich, too!) and who really wants to marry rich?

Your room or mine?

When you watch those old television shows from the 1950s, it was not uncommon to see a married couple sleeping in separate beds. Eventually, couples began to feel sharing the same bed was the way to go and that became the new norm.

Fast forward to today and now home contractors are saying more and more couples are asking for separate master suites.

However, many couples who decide on this arrangement aren't talking about because of a stigma that separate rooms means there must be a problem in the relationship.

Yet, the couples in the article did it for sleep-related reasons. Some stated snoring while others criticized their partner's sleeping positions. I could even think of a few more that could irk a significant other over time: sleeping with the television or radio on, having a window open or even working different shifts.

I actually know a few couples who live together who don't share a bed every night. One is a much older couple where one person is a neat freak and the other person is a packrat. Another couple is around their mid-20s and their sleeping patterns just don't mesh. (Basically, one person in the couple sleeps so violently that it has managed to inflict bodily injury on occasion.)

Like the couples in the article, they still maintain intimacy and affection. Or, in other words, they're still having sex with each other. And oddly enough, both couples tell me it's easier to read a locked bedroom door than body language in bed when the other person doesn't want to be bothered.

Do you think sharing separate rooms is healthy for a relationship? Do you know someone who does it or have you tried it yourself? How did it work out for you?

Fighting style and a healthy heart

I've never doubted fighting with a significant other put an emotional toll on people. But new research shows that fighting also can affect a person's physical health.

The New York Times reports that it's not how often or why couples fight that matters but rather how they react to and resolve conflict. The effects differ for men and women.

A common conflict resolution strategy is to keep quiet and not say anything at all. But besides not really solving the conflict, this strategy also has scary consequences for women.

In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn’t have any measurable effect on health. But women who didn’t speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in Psychosomatic Medicine.

Four times! That should be encouragement for any woman to vent her feelings. But ladies should be careful in how they do so, lest they wish to damage their spouse's health.

For a man, heart risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control. And it didn’t matter whether he or his wife was the one making the controlling comments. An example of a controlling argument style showed up in one video of a man arguing with his wife about money. “You really should just listen to me on this,” he told her.

Moral of the story: When you argue, fight fair. Your health could depend on it.

What's your fighting style? What are some fair fighting tactics you use when arguing with an SO? Will you be more aware of your fighting style after you've learned about these possible health repercussions? Do you believe these health problems as a result of fighting are true?

Open marriages= opening the floodgates?

We asked for ideas from the many commentators on our blog and finally got one.

On a recent blog, a reader commented about an episode of Oprah where a husband allowed his wife to have a sexual and romantic relationship with another man. The husband was supportive of the relationship and the woman said she would support the husband if he dared to partake in a similar relationship outside of the marriage.

Recently ABC.com posted an article questioning whether an open marriage can be more successful than a monogamous marriage. The conclusion: it depends on the people in the marriage.

The arguments on this topic are endless. Let's start with the obvious: Marriage is supposed to be the union of one man and one woman (at least according to the recent laws passed in the U.S.). However, secretive adultery appears to be a mainstay in this world. You could also raise the issue of how it goes against religious and moral standards, and not to mention the increased chances of spreading STDs. But then again, couples in an open marriage are being honest in their communication about their activities. Unfortunately, sleeping with somebody outside of a marital union has been around since the beginning of time. Is a person who stays with a spouse after learning they had an affair (which he or she may be continuing) any better or worse than a couple that is honest about it?

In general, what do you think of open marriages? Do you think they can work? Do you think open marriages is pushing the limits too far?

Nag, nag, nag

It seems that whenever a woman asks a man to do something, the request automatically comes off as nagging.

I was listening to an out-of-state radio station last week in which the DJs talked with a caller about how she nagged her boyfriend. The couple lived together, and whenever the woman asked her boyfriend to do something, he complained that she was nagging him. Eventually, her nagging led the boyfriend to move out.

It's not like this woman was asking him to do unreasonable things. They were simple tasks, like put your dishes in the dishwasher when you're done with them and pick up after yourself. But whenever a woman asks a man to do something, she automatically is labeled as nagging and taking away the man's personal freedom.

I'm sorry, but I don't think personal freedom extends to leaving the house a mess. A woman should be able to ask a man to do something, and he should do it the first time. If he doesn't do it the first time, he should expect to be asked to do it again. If he did the chore the first time he wouldn't have to put up with all this nagging.

Wait, you may be saying, if these things bother a woman so much, shouldn't she do it herself? The problem with that is if the woman always takes out the trash, always puts up the dishes and always does the laundry, she becomes more of a maid than a girlfriend or wife.

Of course, there is a solution to this. Before living with a significant other -- or any roommate for that matter -- the couple should go over ground rules. The rules should address: What are the expectations for keeping the house straight? What are the chores, and who will do them? When will the chores be done? Agree to the rules and stick to them. Anyone who doesn't stick to the rules should expect to be reminded of them. This goes for men and women.

What are some other ways to deal with a nagging girlfriend or a boyfriend who needs to be nagged? Why do you think women have a reputation for nagging their men? Is nagging sometimes necessary or should it always be avoided?

PS- If anyone's interested in a study about friends with benefits, click here.