If he looks like a jerk, sounds like a jerk and smells like a jerk ...

Why is it that when we like someone, we tend to ignore and even makes excuses for their bad qualities?

When a guy is a jerk to our friends, we say, "It's not his fault. He was just nervous." When a guy cheats on us we say, "He couldn't help it. I wasn't giving him what he needed." When a guy treats us badly we say, "I can't blame him. His momma never taught him how to love a woman."

It's part of a woman's analytical nature to look past immediate experiences and find out why someone acts the way he does. Sometimes there are legitimate reasons why people don't live up to our expectations. But sometimes we just need to call 'em as we see 'em: jerks.

I think that we make excuses for people because we want to believe in them. We already have found some characteristic that makes this person great, and when we he lets us down, we refuse to believe that he is anyone other than the wonderful person we built up in our minds.

So we make excuses.

Explaining the behavior in our minds, is better than accepting the fact that someone doesn't live up to our expectations. Sometimes we explain away the behavior because we're lonely and don't believe that anyone else will have us. We hope the other person will change.

Unfortunately, he usually does not, and all this does is keep us in bad situations longer than we should be. We need to learn that some people may seem great at first, but then not live up to the hype. And when the let us down, we need to let go.

Have you ever made excuses for the bad behavior of someone you dated? Have you ever stayed with someone longer than you should have, hoping they would change?

Can you really be mad at the truth?

I'm a strong advocate for honesty in any relationship. Sometimes it may not be the honesty that you always want to hear, but at least you know where you stand.

I think for the most part I'm good at dealing with guys who are forthcoming. If you tell me that you are dating other women, I'm more than likely going to make a decision whether I can deal with that or not and act accordingly. If I choose to stick around, I should not be surprised someone else exists because, guess what, YOU TOLD ME.

So it is kind of frustrating to watch my peers deal with overtly honest guys and get their hearts broken time and time again.

So here are two scenarios where I think this specifically applies:

1) When a guy says he is dating other women. What you said was heard. Nevertheless, that will not stop some women from throwing a fit if they see you at a club or going out to dinner with another woman. But he told you he was seeing someone else, so why are you mad?

2) When a guy says he doesn't want a relationship. This one gets a little sketchy. Most of the time when I hear this from a guy, I see it as knowing what my limits are. Other females that I know don't see it that way. They think that it has a potential to grow into something more. And it could. However, most of the time, it doesn't. But in the beginning, he said that wasn't what he wanted. So when it doesn't happen or at least not with you, why are you throwing a fit?

Oftentimes, I think the true anger is towards ourselves for saying we could handle a situation that we knew deep down we couldn't.

So I ask can you really be mad at the truth?

Now you want him, now you don't

We are a nation of fickle people. We change our minds at a whim, doing whatever suits us on that particular day at that particular time. We do it with everything from our fashion to our food, and it bleeds over into our dating. A man who looked like a hot piece of meat last night might just look like cold leftovers today.

So what do we do? We throw him away -- figuratively, of course -- or set him aside until the next time we want him or just have nothing better to do.

It's sort of like that one friend who never makes concrete plans. You tell her that you want to hang out on Saturday, and she doesn't commit. The reality is that she wants to see if a better offer comes along, and if not, then she'll hang out with you.

This is how some people go about dating. They will go out with one person until, for whatever reason, that person no longer suits them. They might be single for awhile, or they might date someone else. Then, they get tired of that, and the original person is starting to look good again, they go back. At least for awhile, when the whole cycle starts over again.

What is it that drives people to go out with someone, dump them and then go out with them again, only to dump them later? Is it boredom, wanting the thrill of the chase or simply just needing someone to want them?

Have you ever been on either end of this kind of relationship? What were your motivating factors?

5 questions to ask before breaking up

According to the experts, there are five significant questions you should ask yourself before any breakup.

1) Has there been a major change in my life?: If you've been laid off or if you have moved to a new city without desirable results, you can feel like the world is crashing down around you. With that comes a sense of a loss of control. The negative feelings you have towards your situation can be transferred and for once, you finally think you can get a sense back of control by determining the course of your relationship. Trouble is it normally doesn't improve your sense of being.

2) What's my happiness ratio? If you are happy or content in the relationship most of the time, you may want to stick it out. If not, move on.

3) Is he or she abusive? If this person constantly makes you feel bad mentally, emotionally or physically, let it go.

4) Have I expressed my frustration? Look, no human is a mindreader. Therefore, you have to tell them when you feel something is not going well in the relationship.

5) Am I willing to work at it? If you both don't want the relationship to succeed and work towards that goal, it may be time to let it go.

All these questions are good barometers for whether to leave a relationship.

What do you think of these questions? Do you think there are other significant questions you need to ask yourself before deciding to break up with someone?

Sly Dial: When going straight to voice mail isn't a bad thing

Heard about this thing called Sly Dial on the radio this morning. Apparently you can call 267-SLYDIAL (that's 267-759-3425 for the alphabetically-challenged folks), and the service will connect you straight with a person's voice mail without having to take the chance of talking to them.

Here are some potential "sly dial" situations, according to the Web site.

Have your cake and eat it too
You desperately need to call your girlfriend but she is a talker and you don't want to spend an hour on the phone with her because you would much rather watch the game with your buddies. Leave her a sweet voicemail and get a hall pass for the night. ...

Play the field more effectively
You are dating quite a few people at the same time. You don't want to leave them all text messages because there is nothing romantic about that. But a nice voicemail to each would score you points. ...

Buy yourself some time
You go to a week long convention for work in Las Vegas and blow $5,000 the first night at the roulette table. You need to call your wife and tell her why she should hold off on making the monthly mortgage payment. Her voicemail will be much more understanding then she will.

The radio personalities commented that this would be a great tool to break up with someone -- you can say your piece, then just peace out.

What's the most creative way you've ever broken up with someone?

Sticking your foot in your mouth

We all have embarrassing dating moments -- flubs and blunders that we wish we could take back. One of my friends recently had a doozy that I'd like to share with the blog family. Don't worry, girl, we're laughing with you, not at you :)

So one of my friends recently was hanging out with her latest object of affection, and she became a little too forward in her flirting. I'm not sure if I can repeat exactly what she said on a blog for a family-friendly newspaper, but basically she said that her must-be-6-feet tall rule did not apply to this particular shorter guy, especially in the bedroom.

Got it? OK.

This, as you can probably imagine, was pretty embarrassing in and of itself when she realized what she said. So when she received a text message from said guy stating that he might come out with her later that night, she was pretty thrilled. She quickly thumbed out a text message to her roommate, forgive me, I may paraphrase: "Guy wants to hang out! I didn't scare him away!" But in her haste, she sent the message not to her roommate, but to the original guy she thought she had scared away!

Oops. Hope that guy has a good sense of humor. Really, though, he should be flattered that someone wants him so bad.

What are some of your flirting or dating flubs? Have you ever said or done something to a crush that you wish you could take back?

When's it time to quit?

How do you know when it's time to call it quits with someone?

I have a friend who has been in a loving relationship for several years. Many people regard this pair as a model couple. They mesh well, have a great time together and have similar interests. However, one of them is a little more ambitious than the other. Now the ambitious one is questioning whether they're an actual good fit.

I don't necessarily see this as an end-all, be-all to the relationship, as long as both parties continue to bring equal contributions to the table. Maybe one lives a stressful life but brings home more money and maybe the other provides solace for all that stress. Assuming they get married and have children, one person could stay at home with the kids, which is definitely worth the contribution in my opinion.

However, this is something that the more ambitious person has got to accept. If the more ambitious person starts to resent the less ambitious person's ways, that will only hinder the relationship.

Just a side note, the less ambitious party does have a job, but doesn't seem to have career goals in mind, something that the more ambitious person has had since a teenager.

What should my friend do? Do you think it's possible for ambitious and not-so-ambitious people to be together? How do you know if the person you're dating in a perfect match, and is it necessary to be a perfect match? How do you know when it's time to call it quits?

Soundtrack to a break-up

Last night, a friend and I were discussing the music that we choose to listen to when we are going through a break-up or difficult times in a relationship. She's going through one now and has found solace in albums and songs she may not even understood a couple of years ago.

For me, when you are ending a relationship, music can lead to such a great catharsis. I usually opt to put it on blast and indulge in some form of gluttony whether it's ice cream or wine.

Before the I-Pod came out, I owned more than 400 compact discs so here is a list of 10 songs that I turn on when I'm going through a break-up that are probably only the tip of the iceberg.

1. Lesson Learned- Alicia Keys
2. No More Drama- Mary J. Blige
3. The Thrill is Gone- B.B. King
4. Against All Odds- Phil Collins
5. One Last Cry- Brian McKnight
6. Always On My Mind- Elvis Presley
7. Falling-Alicia Keys
8. Giving Up- Donny Hathaway
9. Bringing on the Heartbreak- the Mariah Carey version
10. Love and Happiness- Al Green

So when it comes to your break-up, what music do you listen to in order to get through the situation?

Cutting in line

I always had prided myself for not being "that girl."

You know the one. She starts freaking out when one by one her friends start to pair off and get married, even though she's still in her 20s. Nope, that wasn't me. At least not until 1:57 p.m. Tuesday -- the moment I found out my friend, who once declared that she didn't want to get married and may never get married, announced her engagement.

The engagement was surprising for several reasons, but the one that hit home for me was that she was a woman who was not looking for marriage and even perceived herself as probably the last one of the six of us college friends to do so. But now the order is all messed up. She cut in line.

This, of course, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the rest of us who got pushed to the back. But for some reason it feels that way. We come to expect certain things in life, and now all of our expectations are thrown out of whack.

Of course I am happy for her and love her to death. And I can't wait to meet the guy she's marrying. But somewhere inside me, the little green monster is brewing. My boyfriend called me out.

"Everybody gets married in their own time," he said. "And time is different for everybody."

That's true of course. But I know I'm not the only 20-something who has felt this way. Do any of you unmarried ladies ever feel pressure to marry because all your friends are tying the knot? How do you fight jealousy? Men: do you ever feel pressure to marry as well? It's got to be hard if you're the only unmarried man in a group of friends, just as if a woman is the only single gal in her group.

Rolling with the role model couple

In almost all my groups of friends, there is what I like to call a "role model" couple.

They are the couple that has either been together seemingly forever or just seem like the perfect fit. The single friends in the group look to the couple as inspiration that love and romance still exists and they can find someone. The ones with significant others compare their relationships to theirs to see if they measure up. Everybody in the group easily assumes that one day they're going to get married.

If it ever goes downhill and there is a break up, some friends may appear to take it harder than the actual people in the relationship because their optimism has been shattered. And optimism is a much needed asset in this world of high divorce rates and drama.

So have you ever been part of a couple that was placed on such a pedestal? If so, how did it make you feel and did you think it put any pressure on your relationship? Within your group of friends, is there a relationship like this?

Desperate with age?

I think as young people we have a tendency to be picky and fickle when it comes to dating. We have a list of deal breakers -- must not smoke, must love dogs, must not be shorter than 6 feet and so on -- and if the person we're dating doesn't quite measure up to all of our high expectations, we drop them.

I think these deal breakers change as we get older. They get broader, and we get less picky. Deal breakers are more like: must treat me right and must be honest, than superficial ideals that people hold when their younger. Also, I think the older you are, the less likely you are to discount someone after a first date. If there just wasn't any chemistry, older (and wiser) people are more likely to give the person another shot and see if chemistry develops.

Obviously a big answer as to why we become less picky and fickle when we get older is that we're growing up. We're realizing that some things we previously thought were important, really aren't in the big scheme of things. A second answer, though, is that as we age and remain single, we begin to feel more desperate. For women at least, a biological clock starts ticking, and we feel pressure to settle down like other people our age.

No one wants to feel left behind.

Do you think singles become desperate as they age? Do your expectations of potential suitors change as you age?

Revenge does not help a relationship grow

Ok, how many of you out there have ever been cheated on? You don't have to answer loudly, just be honest with yourself.

Ok, now that we all have admitted that, how many out there have thought that the best way to deal with it and stay in a relationship was to cheat on the original offensive party?

While the numbers may be lower on the second question, when someone betrays you it can be somewhat of a natural reaction to make them feel how you feel.

The only way some can think to do that is by doing what was done to them.

However, while it may seem at first a good idea, it rarely ever works out as planned. The person may feel guilty themselves. The significant other may not react the same way you did when it was done to you. Or the significant other could react more angrily than you did. Or worst of all, they may not react any way at all which is what they person was seeking in their revenge.

Either way it goes, I personally do not think it is healthy for a relationship because it should never be about intentionally hurting the other party. If you're hurting each other, why be in the relationship?

So of those who sought revenge, how did you feel afterwards? How did your significant other react?

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad

My boyfriend and I headed down to the Macon Coliseum on Sunday to take part in the coliseum's 40th birthday bash. I had been wanting to go ice skating there for about a year now, but something always got in the way. With free ice skating and free food there on Sunday, it was perfect for a quick -- and cheap! -- afternoon date.

We got down to the coliseum about 1:45 p.m., but had to wait until 2:30 until they started giving out skates again. In the meantime, we people watched and munched on cotton candy, cake and popcorn. Then we got our skates and hit the ice. I've only been ice skating a few times but as a kid I roller bladed and could hold myself up. But my BF -- he was such a good sport! He'd never been ice skating or roller blading before, and, bless his heart, had a hard time just standing up on the things. It would have been easy to quit and go sit on the sidelines, but he persevered around the rink with me, even though he wasn't having the best of times.

Later, he told me he was sorry our date wasn't romantic because he couldn't skate, but I told him that didn't matter. It was romantic enough that he would even continue trying because he knew it made me happy.

Have you ever done something that you were bad at or didn't enjoy just because it made your SO happy? What was it? Has anyone done that for you?

(PS- Bonus points to whoever can name the artist and song in the headline.)

I kissed a girl....

.......And I liked it. I hope my boyfriend don't mind it.

Or so the song goes.

However, when discussing this song with a couple of male friends of mine, I learned that while there may be this prevailing notion that most guys wouldn't mind, there is a limit to it.

For instance, one male friend of mine said that he's all for girls kissing other girls- as long as all the girls are single. To him, a girl should not be locking lips with anyone else if they are in a relationship.

Another male friend offered up an interesting take. He wouldn't mind if his girlfriend did it or even if he saw it. He said he would have a problem if his girlfriend kept harping on it like it was the best thing in the world. To him, that almost measured up to her talking about a guy. The only difference between the two, he said, is at least with the woman he would find it intriguing in the beginning.

So what do guys out there think of their girl kissing another girl? Does it turn you on? Does it freak you out? Would you care?

It's almost like you're invisible

Among my girlfriends, there's one girl who always attracts the most attention. She's tall and blond (of course) and has a smile that knocks guys' socks off. She's always getting drinks bought for her and hugging or flirting with some cutie. It's just enough attention to make some of the rest of us a little jealous.

After all, we can't all be super-outgoing and beautiful. Sometimes when we would go out, I just wanted to yell, "HELLO! I'M STANDING HERE, TOO!"

Of course, the easy answer is to say that I should just be more flirtatious myself. Men pay attention to women who give them attention. But that's a heck of a lot easier said than done when that's not naturally your personality.

So that usually means those of us who aren't always the center of attention get stuck with two options that I can think of: 1. Suck it up and be more outgoing or 2. Quietly mope in a corner until your friend wants to go somewhere else.

Do you have one friend who always attracts the most attention from someone of the opposite sex? How do you deal with it?

When one can make a baby and the other can't

A little while ago, a couple that I know informed that they were trying to have a baby with no success. After some testing, the woman in the couple learned that she was infertile while the guy learned that he was just fine.

While they are a couple in their late 20s, they have been married for a number of years. The guy is totally in love with his wife.

Nevertheless, the guy has no other family members and has always wanted blood relatives. The wife said she is willing to adopt, but he wants a blood child with his wife. He’s not even willing to talk about a surrogate.

In the long run, the wife said she fears eventual resentment or that he may find another woman who can have children. She does not understand why he can’t love an adopted child the same.

While there are plenty of people who adopt in this world and are able to love the child as their own, it is understandable that some people only want to care for offspring who are biologically connected to them.

Has anyone out there ever had to deal with this situation? Do you think it’s possible for a person to get over such a strong desire to have biological children? What effects could this have on the romantic relationship in the long run?

Does dating get better with age?

Happy birthday to me!

I turned 25 on Monday, and now that I'm older it's time to see if I'm getting any wiser.

As we all grow and age, we take little lessons with us along the way. These are things that we learned the hard way, by trial and error and by observing those around us. Because of these lessons, dating -- like a good wine or cheese -- should only get better with age.

Here are some of my dating lessons, that I did indeed learn the hard way, and I hope to be a little bit wiser for them:

* Do not smother a man. Do not call him multiple times after you have already hung up with him once. That makes you look desperate.

* Do not wait around for someone to be "ready" to be in a relationship with you. If they're not "ready" when you are, they may never be.

* Stand tall and be confident. If you're not, fake it until you are. Confidence makes you more attractive.

* Do not dress like a skank. You will only attract jerks.

* Be wary about becoming overly attached to someone you talk to only online. The Internet can make some conversations seem more intimate and meaningful than they actually are.

* Be honest with yourself about when you need to break up with someone. Don't stay with someone hoping the relationship will get better. It usually doesn't.

What are some dating lessons you have learned over the years? Do you become a better dater with age or do you find yourself still making the same mistakes you did five, 10 years ago?

Can we make it better?

It's been said over and over on here that Macon and Middle Georgia sucks when it comes to dating. We've asked for suggestions for what can be done around here to meet people with few suggestions. We've even discussed people traveling to other places to meet people.

I, for one, am one of those people. I love to travel to Atlanta because it just has a lot more options for meeting people.

One of my most recent obsessions was this event called PlayDate. Held about twice a month, a bunch of adults would gather in either a hotel ballroom or other large room and play various board games. I'm talking everything from Uno to Twister. It was a great way to meet people and you got to have fun without having to shout and get all sweaty in a club.

With gas prices, I'm not going up to Atlanta as much and have gotten to experience the Middle Georgia social scene which completely pales in comparison.

The way I figure it is there's a slight chance that someone with some money or entrepreneurial spirit reads this blog every once in awhile. Maybe this could be a venue to offer up ideas of events or places we would like to see in Macon.

Have you experienced good dating scenes elsewhere? What aspects of those dating scenes could be brought to Macon?

Being the bad guy

No one wants to be the bad guy. No one wants to be the one to say, "This just isn't working," "It's just not the same between us anymore" or "I think we need to see other people." But at some point in an unfulfilling relationship, someone's going to have to initiate a break up. It's a fact of life.

Like most people, I have been broken up with and been the one doing the breaking up. One guy who broke up with me was less than direct. He just basically stopped calling and stopped returning my phone calls, and that was that. I think this is an unfair way to break up with someone. It gives the person being broken up with no closure and leaves them wondering just what went wrong. Because of this, I usually try to take the direct approach.

I usually try to tell the guy that the relationship just isn't working out, that I'm not feeling it anymore and it's time for us to part ways. I try to avoid trite phrases such as "We can still be friends," and "It's not you, it's me." That's just patronizing. I try to follow the Golden Rule when I break up with someone: Don't say or do anything that I wouldn't want someone to say or do to me.

That's not to say I have perfected the art of breaking up, and all of my exes walk away happy. Far from it. I've been called names, been accused of things I didn't do and been put down. But that sort of comes with the breaking up territory.

How do you go about breaking up with someone? Do you follow the direct or indirect approach? Do you have a key phrase that you try to use every time? Have you learned anything from people who have broken up with you?

The Fourth of July version of meeting the family

I know we have touched on meeting the family during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

However, depending on your family, those holidays can be quite a difference from meeting them on a holiday like the 4th of July.

For one thing, at least with most families I know, those holidays tend to be more formal when holidays involving cookouts provide a different atmosphere. They are usually more laid-back and casual. And if your family drinks, more alcohol tends to find its way around summer events for some reason.

If your family is really cool and behaves well most of the time, this can be no problem. However, if you have that uncle who likes to flirt with every unrelated woman in the room after he has had enough beers or that aunt who tends to run off at the mouth, this can be problematic for you and a significant other.

Also when it comes to making a first impression, clothes are just typically a little more revealing in the summer and you have to deal with that fine line. In the winter, you have the cold encouraging you to be completely modest.

So, when you take your family into account, is the 4th of July a good time to bring a new SO around? Do you think it even matters?

By the way, have a safe and happy Fourth of July!

Would you move because of a bad dating scene?

I've heard time and time again (and not just from people on this blog) that's there are no acceptable people to date in Macon. Although I would disagree with that absolute (obviously there are perfectly acceptable, single people who read this blog), I will agree that because Macon is not a major metropolis, dating choices can be a bit limited.

After all, Macon has a population of just under 100,000 people, compared to Atlanta, which has a population of more than 400,000 -- more than four times that of Macon. Common sense tells you that more singles on the dating scene leads to more acceptable people to date and therefore more dates in general. Of course, on the flip side, you do have more competition.

So I wonder how much influence a city's dating scene has when singles are trying to find a place to live. I know I didn't even take Macon's dating scene into consideration when I moved here. Quite frankly, I felt very lucky just to get a job. But for those of you who have the freedom to change jobs or cities, do you consider the dating scene before you move somewhere?

Would you ever move to a place because of its dating scene or not move there because of its lack of one? Furthermore, would you ever move from a city, like Macon, to a larger city because of its dating scene?

What about just dating outside of Macon? Does anyone live and work here during the week but hit up the Atlanta scene on the weekends?

When to take the anonymous out of secret admire

In this great world of personal and social Web networks, we are also inundated with various tools to let someone know how you feel. Not only that, you can do it anonymously in some cases.

Particularly on Facebook, people can send you virtual gifts anonymously or write in your honesty box that they like you.

While I believe that this can be sweet in the beginning while someone musters up the nerve to say something, it also has the possibility of becoming annoying. If you get enough of these messages, it can also get a stalker feel to it, especially if it has details about your whereabouts during the day.

In the end, it leaves you with more questions than answers.

What do you think about this electronically sent anonymous messages of admiration? How long do you think someone should send such messages before revealing who they are?