A question of loyalty

My friends and I were recently discussing a wedding that didn't take place because the bride's sister informed the groom that the bride had a past that included incarceration. Other information was also shared. Mind you, this information came within a month of the planned ceremony.

These questions came into the discussion: Was the sister wrong for telling the groom? Shouldn't the sister's loyalty lie with the family and not the future spouse?

Of course, there were mixed reactions. Some said the sister was downright wrong for telling her sister's business. Others said the bride shouldn't have kept such information from the groom.

I, myself, have been in a situation where a friend of a guy I was dating informed me that the guy was cheating on me and playing me for a fool. Even though I was grateful, I understand that the guy still holds a grudge with his friend to this day. Though, they are still friends.

At the time, though my friends were glad that I had learned that information, they all said that the guy friend was wrong for being the one to inform me. They also said if one of their friends did something like that to them, they would most certainly end that friendship.

With hindsight on my side, I can see where they are coming from. If someone is your friend or your family member, they are supposed to support you and show loyalty.

But I also see where the informants are coming from as well. Even though the person is a friend or a family member, you still think that what they are doing is wrong, especially if you think highly of the person they're doing it to.

I can't say whether I would inform someone, whether they're dating a friend or family member, of such information or not and I consider myself loyal. It would probably depend on a variety of factors.

However, I do know that when someone holds back secrets and misbehaves in a relationship, they shouldn't be surprised that it will come out one way or another.

How do you think you would handle the situation if you were in a position to be an informant? What if you were the person doing wrong in the relationship? Where do you think the loyalty should lie and how far do you think you should go with that loyalty?

When it rains, it pours

That definitely was the case when I drove up to Atlanta last night to catch dinner and a concert with some of my favorite college friends. I swear, I could single-handedly stop the state's drought if I drove up there more often. It seems that every time I go, there has to be some huge thunderstorm tying up traffic and messing up the roads. But I digress.

Dates, like rain, also can run bountiful or dry. And in the case of one of my friends, it's raining men. Three, to be exact.

Last night, somewhere in between the hummus and spinach dip, she related her story to all seven of us at the table, searching for input. She's pretty sure she knows which way she wants to go, which happens to be against most of the advice we gave her. Maybe one of you can break the tie. This is her story. (Names have been changed.)

A few months back, Beth's co-worker, Kelvin, set her up with his friend and co-worker, Earl. Beth and Earl have been seeing each other casually, but Earl doesn't really like going out, so they hang out at home a lot. Beth is a pretty out-going gal, so sometimes she goes to hang out with friends from work. On a recent occasion, she and Kelvin, a very out-going guy who can sometimes be over-the-top, went on a walk outside, and he told her he liked her and kissed her. Kelvin said he set Beth up with Earl because at the time he had a girlfriend and wanted to see Beth happy. Now that his girlfriend is out of the picture, he wants Beth.

To complicate matters, Beth just recently started talking to a man she met at a wedding (maybe they are the best singles events after all). They don't know too much about each other yet, but he seems cool.

So what's Beth to do? She wants to see the guy from the wedding more and get to know him, and she wants to continue to get to know Earl and Kelvin. But Earl and Kelvin are friends. And co-workers. Something about this is not going to work.

Do you have any advice for Beth? How should she handle this situation? Should she drop anyone or keep seeing all of them? What does she say to Earl and Kelvin?

I won't tell you which way she's leaning or my own opinion for fear of biasing your thoughts. At the end of the day, I'll post both our opinions at the end of the comments page.

Pre-existing conditional love

The Web site prescription4love.com provides a dating service for health conditions including HIV, herpes, cancer, irritable bowel syndrome, deafness, alcoholism and obesity.

The message that is spread throughout much of the site is that when it comes to dating with a health condition, people want someone who is in a similar condition to theirs. This allows for a greater amount of support and understanding.

I agree with that sentiment, but I can't help but wonder if the people using this particular site could be limiting themselves. Or if people who do not suffer from such diseases lack the compassion to date someone who may be a great person but has an ailment.

Understandably, sometimes the question is not one of compassion, but simply one of knowing yourself. Some people know they don't have the patience to endure inevitable bouts of illness or possible relapses. For others, it's a fear for their own health. There are also those who question whether or not they can provide the level of committment it takes to be with someone, especially when it's a terminal illness.

But I see nothing wrong with people with conditions seeking love inside and outside the box. And I see nothing wrong with loving these people. (Disclaimer: I'm also not saying that I know what I would do if placed in the situation.)

Have you ever dated someone with a health condition and how did you cope? Could you see yourself dating someone with any of the health conditions? Do you have a health condition and how does it affect your dating life?

Do dating rituals change with time?

Not everyone out there is a first-time dater.

Some people have been married and divorced, and others may have suffered the death of a spouse. After being married for so long, it can be no easy feat to jump back into the dating pool — especially if you're afraid to belly flop.

Lately I've been addicted to a blog on msn.com called Single in the Suburbs. The blog chronicles the daily life of a divorced woman with a teenage daughter whose ex is now dating someone much closer to his daughter's age than his own. Unsure how to start dating again, the woman enrolls in an online dating site, and her adventures begin.

Early on in her blog, the author ponders how dating may have changed since she last had a date. Seeing as how I've only been dating in this decade, I'm curious for your thoughts.

Do you think dating rituals have changed since you were younger? In what ways? Have they changed for the better or the worse? What customs should disappear, and what do you wish would come back? Please include your age (or ballpark), so we can have a frame of reference.

Can I bring him/her with me?

When planning a girls' night or guys' night out or even a getaway with your friends, it's usually understood that it's a time to let your hair down around friends doing whatever it is you enjoy doing together.

But every so often, you will have one friend who asks to bring along their boyfriend because "he would love to see that" or "that's his favorite restaurant." Or sometimes, she just brings him.

I've also known many guys to have a problem with their guy friends bringing along their significant other to what was intended to be a "friends-only" event.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what is the problem? Well, often when you bring a significant other, especially one who is not well known, it changes the atmophere and dynamic of the situation. Mind you, I made the mistake of doing this when I was in a relationship before and got called on it. My friends felt like they couldn't be themselves and felt like certain topics couldn't be discussed.

A few years later, the tables turned on me. And while I'm pretty much the same around anybody, I noticed that when you bring a significant other along, it leads to the following three things 1) the friend often will focus more time on the significant other than the rest of their friends, 2) that attention often leads to it feeling like a date where you and a couple of other friends tagged along (especially if PDA is involved), and 3) single, unattached friends in the situation feel very left out. It's gone from being a fun outing to possibly a spectacle or even a full-out desire to leave.

There are sometimes when coming as a couple is appropriate. Usually, during those times, everybody else is bringing a significant other or someone else along as well. Or sometimes the couple was a part of the group of friends before they were together.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? Did it go well for you? If so, why and if not, why not?

Is she off-limits?

We all know you don't date your best friend's ex. But what about your brother's best friend's ex?

Here's the situation: A friend of mine met this woman a few years back, and there was some obvious attraction. For the next year or so life got in the way, as it many times does, and the woman ended up dating my friend's brother's best friend.

Got that? Good ... moving on ...

Well, the brother's best friend cheated on this woman, who rightfully (and smartly) broke up with him. Now my friend wonders if he can ask her out because, in his words, "she's a special lady." (Awwwww.)

I told him to go for it.

Here's why:
1. The ex shouldn't get mad at my friend's brother because he can't control what his sibling does. Plus, the brother always can remind his friend that maybe he shouldn't have cheated on his girlfriend.
2. My friend isn't friends with the ex, so he shouldn't care if the ex gets mad at him.
3. The ex probably already is mad at his former girlfriend (I'm told there was breaking of his belongings involved), so it's not like he can really get any more upset.

Even after wondering how I would feel if my sister's best friend started dating my ex, I still think it's OK. It might be a little weird, but since I don't associate myself with her friends, who cares?

Anyway, bloggers, what do you think my friend should do? Should he go for it? Or should he pass?

My ovaries, my decision

A friend of mine forwarded this article to me last week in which a happily married woman vents about others inquiring when she is going to have a baby.

While I am not yet married, I understand much of her plight. Ever since I graduated from college and got my first job, "well-meaning" family members and friends have inquired about when I plan to settle down and begin a family.

Like the author of the article, I've also noticed that when I mention my most recent career accomplishment or my latest adventure to some of my friends and family members who have children, I'm advised that I need to start contemplating settling down. Sometimes, it's like that with the friends who are in very serious relationships as well.

But I still love traveling at a moment's notice. I love my job (80 percent of the time). I love just being by myself right now. Right now, I'm passionate about a lot of other things that have nothing remotely to do with motherhood.

Now, while I say all this, it is much worse for one of my closest friends who has been married for five years. Before she even got married, people assumed she was pregnant because she got married in her early 20s. Five years later, she has no kids and people still get a little too excited when she has a gut from being overzealous at the buffet. But she still has a husband and she travels all over the country. Plus, who has time for a child when trying to turn your house into a perfect home.

Have you ever felt this pressure and how did you react to it? For those who are mothers, how do you balance your other passions with motherhood and, as the author of the article, make good role models for others as they contemplate venturing into motherhood?

Would you freeze your eggs?

For a mere $20,000, you can have your eggs frozen and stored, ready for use at a later date. And I'm not talking about the farm variety.

A lot of women I know have no intentions of having children any time soon. Most of us are young, working women who would rather focus on our careers and gaining financial stability before popping out babies. And more and more couples would rather cherish their time together pre-children, and put off getting pregnant for a few years after being married.

But the fact of the matter is as women age, the quality of our eggs decreases. With each passing year, the chance of having a happy, healthy pregnancy also decreases. So some women are turning to oocyte cryopreservation — freezing their eggs.

This is not an easy process. According to prenancy-info.net, it goes something like this:

First, you are given injectable fertility drugs (gonadotropins) daily to stimulate your egg production. Just before you are set to ovulate, your eggs will be retrieved in the same type of procedure that is used for IVF (invitro fertilization). Once the eggs have been harvested, they will be frozen with liquid nitrogen and stored in special freezers until you decide to use them. A newer technique that is still being tested involves flash-freezing the eggs.

Wow. Flash freezing. Like vegetables?

I can tell you right now that oocyte cryopreservation is not for me. Besides the fact that I think it's creepy, I could think of a lot better things to spend $20,000 on (a new car, a down payment for a house, lots of new clothes). But hundreds of women who have done it so far disagree.

Would you ever consider freezing your eggs? Why or why not?

You're boring....

Recently, one unhappy reader has commented his or her opinion that this blog has become boring....and that's the same thing that can happen in a relationship.

Everything is good (or bad — but then it wouldn't be boring), but that's all it is. There's a routine that rears its ugly head once a relationship has time to settle, and for some all routine all the time may be great, while for others — it may make the relationship seem a lot more lackluster than fulfilling.

I know one couple that does pretty much the same thing every weekend....the classic dinner and a movie on Friday, errands during the day on Saturday and then a re-run of Friday night on Saturday night. Very familiar, very routine....and a tad on the boring side.

Don't get me wrong — it's really good for a relationship to evolve into that phase because it does mean there is a progression of sorts, but it can be bad to get stuck in a rut. For me, not an issue thanks to long distance — it does a good job of guaranteeing no routine because there is so much to cram into a couple of days. But it can be a very real problem in relationships if one, or both parties gets bored.

What do you do in that situation and how do you mix things up??

What's your status? No, really....

In this great world of Internet networking and dating, Web sites like MySpace and Facebook often offers a glimpse into your life, particularly your relationship status.

However, it can become problematic when one person in a relationship is listed as taken while the other one maintains they are single. It can be even worse if you are engaged or even married.

It leads the honest significant other to question the sincerity of their partner. Worse yet, they may question the fidelity.

Now, a relationship status of single on a Web site does not necessarily mean you are cheating or engaged in an online affair. Or it could mean there's a great need for communication on the actual status in the relationship.

Would you be upset if your significant other was listed as single when you knew they weren't? Should a status on a Web profile even matter? Has this ever been an issue in your relationship?

Here comes the bride ... to the hospital

At one of the bridal showers I attended this year I heard the following story:

As is typical before most weddings, the groom's buddies took him out for a drunken bachelor's party the night before. The next day, the bride prepares herself for the wedding and arrives at the church only to find out that her husband-to-be got so smashed the night before that he required hospitalization. Needless to say, he wasn't showing up for the wedding. The bride ended up spending the day in the hospital, and the couple eventually got married at a later date.

Since I don't know either member of the couple personally, I don't know exactly how the bride responded. However, I know that if I were in that situation, there would be hell to pay. Imagine all the expenses and planning that go into putting together a wedding. Having to cancel it at the last minute because of a very stupid mistake would be a nightmare. Out-of-town guests would have wasted their time. Reservations for the church and reception would be useless. Flowers and food would never be seen or eaten. "Livid" is perhaps the best word that would describe my state of mind. The thought would probably cross my mind to just call off the wedding all together.

What would you do if you were in this situation? Is this something that you could ever forgive your husband for? How would you react?

Who wears the pants?

I was listening to the radio today, and the radio hosts were discussing a poll that had just come out talking about who made the decisions in the family. The poll was taken from married couples who were around the average age of 33, and had been married around seven years.

The radio hosts were SHOCKED...and I mean, shocked, that the result showed that women were more likely to make the decisions in the relationship than the man. Me, on the other hand? Not so much of a surprise. Sure, men have a say in the relationship and at most times, do feel like the ones in control, but it that always true?

In my relationship, it is hard to say, and really, it's kind of right down the middle with decision making. But I know more than a couple relationships when it is all the women's choice, all the time!

What do you think? Are women the decision makers? Or are the men in control?

Completely wrong ways to react....

Recently I was talking to one of my old "flames" which is what I guess you could call him on instant messenger. We're having some type of warped discussion about how our relationship operates. Out of nowhere, he writes "what I'm trying to tell you is that I love you." My response: LMAO.

No seriously, I was cracking up. If I had been eating at the time, I would have choked. Now, considering the fact that I know not to take this guy seriously, it was all in jest. Yet, those who know me well know I possibly could react that way if someone was being serious. And that would be just wrong!!!


I know this. I just can't help it. In situations like these, oftentimes the closest thing you can get to an appropriate response from me is complete silence. Yet, I also know other people who have had similar horrible reactions to a showing of emotion: fleeing, a sudden need to clean, hanging up the phone, signing off, outright disappearance (as in leaving the country).

What is the worst way you have reacted to someone expressing their emotions to you? Has anyone ever responded to your emotional outpourings inappropriately

Can you predict marriage from a first kiss?

In the movie Hitch, Will Smith, who plays a matchmaker, says some women believe they can tell from the first kiss whether a certain man is the one they are going to marry.

A first kiss certainly can tell you a lot about the future of a potential relationship. If the proverbial sparks fly and you feel a tingling in your toes, you can be sure the guy you're kissing is a match (at least in the chemistry department). You'll stay together for some time, if for nothing more than some fun make out sessions. And if the kiss feels mostly like, well, a wet tongue, then chances are the relationship won't go very far. After all, you're probably not going to want to lock lips again any time soon, and kissing is a component of a relationship. But despite a first kiss' ability to predict the continuation of a relationship, I would hardly say I could predict my future husband by the quality of his first kiss.

There always is the potential for a first kiss flub. Maybe you bump noses. Maybe you still have gum in your mouth. Maybe he ate onions for dinner. It is quite possible that a botched first kiss could lead to a fireworks-worthy second kiss and a lifetime of married bliss. You just have to stay in the relationship a bit longer to find out.

A friend of mine probably would disagree with Hitch. Back in college he said he was saving himself for his wife, and I'm not just talking about sex but also kissing. He said he didn't want to kiss any woman who was not his wife because he wanted it to be special. I know he has a girlfriend now, and I don't know if his viewpoint has changed, but either way, it's an interesting concept.

Do you think you can tell whether you will marry a person based on a first kiss? How important is the first kiss? What are some of your best/worst stories about a first kiss?

Proposals done awry

First of all, please forgive me if this post is a bit rusty — six (seven if you count vacation!) is a long time to be away from the blogging world. No worries, I will do my best to make it as interesting as possible!!

A number of events occured while I was on hiatus, the biggest one, in my opinion, was that one of my very best friends got engaged. I was unreachable when the engagement happened, and therefore was filled in weeks later on what exactly took place. I always love the engagement stories — they are either incredibly cute, or horrifyingly wrong, or somewhere in between.

Knowing these two people personally, I think it was terrible cute how my friend's fiance proposed. The pair were on vacation, and she, not wanting to get her hopes up, had diverted her thoughts from any kind of proposal...which may have been why she was not expecting anything when the two went for a walk on the beach. One, I might add, that turned out to be longer than she wanted and turned into her turning around early and heading back to the hotel — ignoring her then-boyfriend's pleas to slow down.

It took him running up to her, stopping her and then the two of them looking in the air — only to see the banner flying behind the airplane was upside down....but the proposal was still the same, even if it was botched.

It seems everyone is getting engaged lately — so let's here those stories!! How did the proposal go? Was it good or bad...or just somewhere in-between?

Relationship envy: a damaging affliction

It's time to talk about a very sensitive topic: relationship envy.

What is relationship envy exactly?

It usually occurs when you're in a fairly stable relationship and your friends who are either a) single or b) in an unstable relationship, begin to hate on your relationship for no apparent reason.

The key word there is apparent.

There are a multitude of reasons your friends could be behaving this way (And mind you, I'm talking about when they react this way while you are in a healthy relationship, not dating a jerk). Your friend could be insecure. Your friend could be projecting doubts about her own relationship onto you. Your friend could be concerned about losing you to the relationship. Or your friend could just be simply jealous.

The problem is like anything else involving the green-eyed monster, it has a tendency to grow and often results in outbursts that could cause permanent harm to a friendship. However, as noted in my definition of relationship envy, it usually comes with one clear symptom: your friend making negative statements abaut your relationship for no reason.

So, if you're the person in the stable relationship and you see this coming, it may be a good time to hold back on talk about your relationship with the friend until they appear to have cooled off. You may even want to inquire about what's going on in your friend's life.

As for the friend who is suffering from relationship envy, it may be a good time for you to do some self-evaluation and go out and get involved with something to refocus some of your attention. If you suffer from relationship envy and you're in a relationship, maybe you should place the focus back on your own relationship. Trust me, I've been on both sides.

Have you ever suffered from relationship envy or been on the receiving end of it? How did you deal with it? Did it have any effect on your friendship?

Why you shouldn't wear a bra to a wedding and other ridiculous things

This year July 7 is shaping up to be a very popular wedding day, probably because of the ease of remembering the date (7/7/07). I'll be attending a wedding this weekend, as will a co-worker of mine. Desperate housewife Eva Longoria also is tying the knot Saturday. Although I can't recall off the top of my head anyone else getting hitched, as we often say in the newspaper business, three's a trend, so I'm going with it.

In the spirit of so many people tying the knot, The Canadian National Newspaper (which also cleverly noticed the trend), has come up with the top 10 mistakes single women make at a wedding, which the newspaper calls "the best possible high-quality singles event in the entire world!” (Yes, they added the exclamation point.) Although I disagree with the newspaper when it says the wedding is not really about the bride and groom and more about "you meeting men in a 'marriage' type of situation," it's still a fun list to read.

Here are my favorites, and check out the full article for the rest of the list.

3. You wear a bra. You don’t dress sexy. Why a mistake? Guys are sexual so you should be sexy to attract attention. Men love to look at and are attracted to nipples and jiggling breasts (also; it’s sexy). (Rose's Note: Nipples and jiggling breasts always fit in well at church and with relatives over the age of 50.)

6. You drink too much, get drunk, and start a striptease on the dance floor. Why a mistake? You don’t act with a sense of class and femininity. You attract plenty of men, but no Good Men. Good Men are attracted to classy and feminine women. (Rose's Note: I think I'm getting mixed signals. Nipples attract good men and display a sense of class, but stripteasing is wrong? Help!)

7. You eat like a pig at the reception (wrong animal). Why a mistake? Always eat like a bird (right animal) when you want men to notice you. (Rose's Note: Please. The best part about a wedding is the food (and an open bar). You paid $50 for a gift, so eat (and drink) your heart out.)

9. You drive your car to the wedding, instead of getting a ride. Why a mistake? You can’t accept a ride home with some hot-looking Good Man. (Rose's Note: Drunken sex with a man who likes you only for your nipples. Great idea.)

10. You get in an argument with your boyfriend who hasn’t proposed yet, asking him when he will be ready to commit. Why a mistake? You should have come alone to the wedding. Your boyfriend you think is the love of your life is not in love with you enough to marry you. (Rose's Note: First of all, you shouldn't argue with your boyfriend in public anyway. Second of all, if you leave your boyfriend at home to pick up single guys at a wedding, you should definitely break up now.)

What do you think about the "mistakes" single women make at weddings? Do you have any more? What are some mistakes single men make at weddings? Surely they're not perfect.

Summer love

As we embark on the 4th with the sound of Justin Timberlake's "Summer Love" in my ear, I can't help but recall how some people actually live by this motto.

Whether it's the summer away from home or just the warm weather, some people like getting with, as my friend likes to refer to them, "summer boos." And the person who coined that term always has someone in the summer and oftentimes someone new in the fall, but I digress.

The relationship with the "summer boo" usually starts somewhere around Memorial Day and ends sometime before fall gets in. Like the summer, it demands nothing more than to be light and breezy.

I had a "summer boo" once. It was during a time when I was in high school and was working an internship. We noticed each other three weeks into the internship, started hanging out, had fun and yep, when the internship was over, we said our goodbyes. It was actually a lot of fun and no hard feelings (that I know of).

However, being an adult now, I can't see placing an expiration date on a relationship. If I enjoy a person's company, I don't see why it has to end because the season changed.

Have you ever intentionally entered a summer relationship? What was your reason for seeking a summer relationship? How long did it last? If you've never been in one, do you think you could pursue one?

Third party break-ups

Many things can go wrong when trying to pull off a break-up. The recipient of the break-up may cry, beg for another chance or not accept the break-up at all. The one doing the breaking up may stutter, feel guilty or be swayed to actually continue the relationship he or she thought so hard about ending.

Clean cut break-ups are hard to come by, and more likely than not, a break up will be messy and emotional. There will be crying, possibly yelling (or at least talking louder than inside voices) and unhappiness as a result. That's why some people resort to having an uninvolved third party break up the relationship for them.

Think of how easy it would be. You have some person who is uninvolved with the relationship deal with the yelling and the crying. And once it's over, it's over. Your sanity is saved.

Of course, it would also be pretty low.

Off the top of my head, I can't think of anyone I know who has either employed or been broken up with a third party to the relationship (although I did see it happen on Scrubs last night). Here's what I think, though. If someone can't break up with you personally, they obviously have very little respect for you and your feelings. While your immediate reaction may be indescribable anger, rest assured knowing that there is NO CHANCE you should ever get back together with that person, and start to move on with your life and the healing process. So although your (now) ex is an absolute loser, at least you know. And that's sort of good, right?

Have you ever asked someone else to break up a relationship for you? What were your reasons? How did it go? Have you ever been broken up with by someone who was not your significant other? What happened?