The dog stays

I was recently asked if there was any one thing I wouldn't be willing to compromise in a relationship. My response could have been and probably should have been my integrity, self-respect or pride.

My response: Can't do a guy who would make me give up my pet.

We can get over the hurdles of whether you want to have kids or not or infidelity through counseling. But you either are a pet person or you're not.

Now, you may be seriously allergic to pets and that's ok.

But I'm definitely a pet person, particularly cats and dogs. I've always had a pet in my life and have always been close to them. When I call my family, I ask about the pets. I'm partially basing my decision to get my first house based on the fact that I want a cat and dog.

My loyalty to the furry kind cannot be shaken. I was bitten by a dog once and forgave him. (Can't say the same for some of the men I've dated, but that's for another time.)

Look, my dogs have survived my breakups. They have comforted me when I was upset. And then there's my cat. She just knows my heart. I don't have to do or say anything and she'll come around and won't leave until she knows I'm ok. It's an unconditional love that I have yet to find anywhere else. It's comforting and can sometimes be reassuring.

And I've heard stories from my friends who have volunteered or worked in shelters about pets being abandoned because of relationships. I'm not talking about little puppies. I'm talking about older pets, the ones that are harder to place. It's sad to see people willing to give up years of true friendship for a chance at a relationship.

Are you a pet person? If so, have you ever dated someone who wasn't into pets? If you're not a pet person, what happens when you date someone who is a pet person?

What to do with a gift from an ex

When dating someone, it's only natural that at some point in a relationship you give each other gifts. Some gifts, like movies or blenders, don't really have any special meaning, but others, like jewelry or cologne, can remind you of a significant other every time you put it on.

This is all fine and dandy until you break up. Then what do you do with the present? Maybe it's just me, but when I broke up with my ex, I didn't wear the necklace he gave me for a while. I felt guilty about wearing it, especially after I started dating someone else. My ex obviously had put a lot of thought into picking out the necklace, and it seemed wrong to keep wearing it, especially since I had done the breaking up.

After a couple months, I eventually started wearing the necklace again, not to remind me of my ex, but because I liked it. There didn't seem to be a logical reason not to wear it. It was jewelry, and it matched my clothes. Even so, I still felt like I was betraying my current boyfriend by wearing jewelry from an old one.

Mixed CDs from an ex had the same effect on me. But I haven't had any problems with a blender that was given as a gift.

What do you think is the proper way to deal with gifts once you break up from relationships? Should you keep them and continue to use them? Does it matter what the gift is? What have you done with gifts from exes?

And what are we doing again?

Whenever you're in a situation where acknowledged mutual attraction exists and time spent together begins to lengthen, it's not uncommon to ponder the question: What are we?

Before outside forces become involved, it's easy to remain in the comfort zone of scheduled weekly get-togethers, long talks at night, overnight stays and even romantic gestures.

Unfortunately, you can't remain in a bubble forever and someone will usually pick up on what's going on.

That's when the questions start popping up:

Observer: Are y'all dating?

You: Well.....

Observer: Are y'all exclusive?

You: Ummm........

Now, as I have learned from my "pseudo relationships" as some of my friends like to call them, you could go with the "close friend" response, but then the truly observant starts listing that all of the things you two do together are more like a couple. And if it's been going on for a few months, you'll probably get more than a few sideway glances.

Now, working without a label absolves you of a lot of the responsibilities, as well as the pressure, a relationship can entail. However, working without a label could also lead to a lot of misunderstandings, especially when it comes to other "close friends."

To me, it depends on the person. Some people work very well without the label. Others, not so much.

Have you ever been in a successful, non-labeled relationship? Or have you been in a situation where you desired a label when the other person didn't or vice-versa? Do you feel that not having a label is harmful to a relationship?

What's your thing?

Every Friday night, my boyfriend cooks dinner for me at his apartment. It's such a special thing that despite it being early in the week, he told me today how excited he was about Friday and the dinner he was going to make.

"They're going to be super nachos, with chicken, browned beef, little chopped up jalapenos, habaneros, green peppers ... " he began listing.

Sometimes the food turns out very good (lime chicken, vegetables and roasted potatoes), sometimes it's a little off (pepper chicken with too much pepper) and sometimes it's just Hamburger Helper. But any way it's dished out, I know it was done with love.

One of my friends in college had a similar tradition with her now ex boyfriend. Since they met on a Thursday, they made it their night to always go out. She never relented or made plans with us on those nights, simply saying, "It's Thursday. It's me and (boyfriend)'s night."

When life gets busy, and you spent lots of time with work and other friends, it's good to have a time when you and your significant other know you have each other all to yourselves.

Do you have one special thing you do with your significant other? If so, what's your thing?

Baby mama and potential drama

One of the biggest rumors swirling around the entertainment world recently is that Shar Jackson was impregnated by her ex-boyfriend and father of her two children, Kevin Federline a.k.a. Britney Spears' ex.

Whether it's true or not remains to be seen. But would it really be a surprise if it were true? When you've had a relationship and a child with someone, I suspect the familiarity feels comforting and reassuring, making it all the more easier to return to that romantic place.

This situation brings up an important aspect of dating a guy with children: Is everything over between the guy and the mother of his children?

I personally try to avoid dating guys with children for this reason. The children may be great. However, the children's mother is likely to observe you under a microscope even if there aren't any unresolved issues.

And I often say that if I was to date a guy with children, the child would have to be over the age of five. A younger child would indicate a greater possibility of unfinished business between the two. And that could lead to infidelity, accusations and hurt feelings.

Don't get me wrong. There are situations where no romantic feelings remain and the two just co-parent. But I've seen the messier situations more often than not.

Have you ever dated a guy with children? Were there problems when it came to dealing with the child's mother? Did you fear that the guy would return to her? And for guys, have you been in a similar situation with a child's father?

Finding closure

No matter how hard you try to tell yourself you're over somebody, it's not something you can influence. In fact, the more you have to say it, the less likely it is to be true.

You can say you hate the person, you can want to be over the person and you can even remove that person from your life, but it doesn't guarantee that you won't get a pang in your stomach when you see him with another woman.

Honestly, I'm not sure how true closure happens. I have a feeling, though, that it has something to do with being completely happy with your own life (and it doesn't hurt to have found a significant other somewhere along the way either). It's when your own happiness doesn't depend on the unhappiness of the man — or woman — who scorned you.

I've learned that closure sneaks up on you quietly. You don't know it's coming until it's already there. Then, one day you see an ex's picture, and realize you just don't care. You don't care about what's going on in his life, you don't care about who he's seeing. You feel like you could run into him on the street and have a civil conversation without wanting to claw his eyes out (or run and hide).

This is probably no consolation to the hundreds, heck, probably millions, of men and women out there who have found themselves on the wrong end of a break up. But have patience, and stop trying to convince yourself to get over it. Maybe for some time you have to wallow in your anger, sadness and jealousy. After all, it's not called being heart broken for nothing. And in the end, broken hearts, like starfish, will mend themselves. Both take time and are no small miracles of nature.

Have you ever been able to find closure by something you did? How did you do it?

That dangerous "L" word....

There's a word that sometimes spring up into a relationship. Usually, it comes around after a couple has been around for awhile.

The odd thing is it doesn't come out to each other, but to friends, family and associates of the relationship. It's very dangerous and could foreshadow things to come in your relationship.

That word is "let."

Friends and family may be familiar with the word. To guys, it often comes out as "she won't LET me hang out with the guys tonight." But girls are on the receiving end as well. One phrase I've heard is "he doesn't LET me wear things like that." And no, the girl wasn't talking about her father.

However, the word "let" doesn't even have to be used. It could come out as "she doesn't want me to speak to my female friends" or "he doesn't want me to hang out after midnight."

It could even be implied, like when a person in a relationship goes out and gets 10 angry calls from their significant other every time they go out.

Concern shows affection. Permission displays control. Too much control is unhealthy.

Have you ever found yourself using this word? If so, were you O.K. with it? If not, what did you do about it? Have you ever had a friend who used the word and how did it make you feel?

I thought I saw that in the trash ...

Last night I was sitting around my apartment with my boyfriend, and I caught a glimpse of a brightly colored bag near a book shelf.

"Did you keep the bag I brought the saltwater taffy in?" I suspiciously asked my boyfriend. I had just returned from a wedding in Rehoboth Beach, Del., (yes, they have beaches in Delaware), and I brought back saltwater taffy for my boyfriend as a gift.

"Maybe," he said, still looking at the guitar he was re-stringing.

"Oh, OK," I said, but something still didn't feel right. "Wait, did you take that out of the trash."

Silence.

"Maybe."

Silence.

"I just want to remember our special moment," he said.

Special moment or not, my boyfriend has to be the ultimate pack-rat. If you have an extra TV, couch, radio, anything, even if it's broken, he'll take it. I think he even kept the paper I wrapped his Christmas present in.

I'm the total opposite. I don't keep old ticket stubs or dried out flowers. I enjoy our time together doing things, but I don't need pieces of our activity to remember that we did it. (I will confess, I do love pictures, though.) I think sometimes I've hurt my boyfriend's feelings by throwing away things, like a random rock we picked up at the river. Where am I going to keep that stuff anyway?

What is the attraction with keeping every single memento of a relationship? Do you keep everything or toss most of it? What if you break up? What do you do with the stuff you kept then?

Proceed with caution

Those were the best words of advice I could give a friend who called me this weekend with dating news.

First, she called to tell me that a woman told her the man she was seeing also was seeing her, meaning this man was cheating on this woman with my friend. My friend had no idea, and was (rightfully) more than miffed at the news. It made sense, then, she said, that he didn't want to go out in public much and she didn't meet her friends. Of course, she confronted him, and (predictably) he denied it and denied it again.

On Monday, my friend called me again, to tell me this guy was able to explain himself a bit. There are more details than I care to get into, but basically, he said this other girl was exaggerating her story and it wasn't really true. My friend now is willing to give the guy another chance, although even she admits she should keep her eyes open and to be wary of this guy.

For me, I'm pretty suspicious of this guy now. Something about his story doesn't sit right with me (although I know that as a third party, I don't have all the information). So on my friend's behalf, I'd like to take an informal poll: should she proceed with caution or kick this guy to the curb? What are the chances this guy's a straight-shooter, and this so-called girlfriend's an exaggerator?

"I do" choose to marry without interruption....

This weekend, I learned one of my relatives got married recently. No engagement announcement, no anything. Just up and married.

There was no party or reception. There was no dinner. She is now just somebody's wife.

I'm so proud of her.

She threw the fanfare that surrounds announcing an engagement and having a wedding out the window. She didn't have to deal with worrisome relatives giving opinions about her betrothed, her ring or her ceremony. Nor did she have to deal with the jealousy that sometimes comes from friends and family who remain signal. And she avoided anyone questioning whether she was pregnant just because she was getting married.

Don't get me wrong. Engagements can and should be happy occasions. The same can be said for weddings. Sharing these events with others can sometimes make it even more special.

However, I also notice a lot of burden can be removed without the fanfare.

Did you or anyone you know get married on the sly? Do you think it's wrong not to inform your friends and family of your pending nuptials?

Something can be learned from the Flavor of Love girls...

I have a confession to make. I watch Flavor of Love Charm School. That being said, last week's episode provided great insight into the way women often choose the wrong men.

The remaining contestants were given a lesson on the four types of men to avoid: the Player (charismatic womanizer), the Professional (career-driven and career-obsessed), the Pushover (sensitive punk) and the Parolee (the thug you want in the bedroom and only there). And then there's the guy every woman should seek- the Urban Renaissance man who actually embodies the positive characteristics of the four (charismatic, sensitive, career-driven and good in bed).

Then they were introduced to a group of men where each type was represented. The challenge for the women was to pick the Urban Renaissance man. Not a single contestant picked the right one.

Mind you, the guy wasn't the most attractive, nor was he flashy. He didn't have an overabundant amount of cockiness.

But yet, I couldn't help but think isn't that how it often works for us. We'll often look at the bad boy who is much more noticeable than the good guy lurking around. I've done it myself, often opting for the Player. Yeah I admitted it. Though lately, I've taken the more holistic approach to dating men.

Have you dated any of the four types of men to avoid? If so, do you notice that you go for a particular guy? Have you looked over a good guy before?

Living with a boy who's not your boyfriend

One of my friends has an internship abroad this summer in South America (I'm so jealous!), and the program she's with is providing housing for her. As a result, she'll be sharing a house with two guys, who I can only assume are roughly her age.

While it is great that her program is giving her living arrangements and roommates (aka, instant friends), I can't help but wonder how her boyfriend feels about her co-habitating with two other guys. Truth be told, he's a pretty easy-going guy, so he's probably only moderately bothered this, but I can't imagine anyone would feel untouched by the situation.

In any instance where a man or woman lives with a member of the opposite sex, the same worries will present themselves. How attractive is the roommate? Could they fall for each other? Plus the same jealousies will result. The person on the outside may feel that the two roommates spend too much time together and share too much.

Because of the time roommates spend together, they usually get to know each other on a certain intimate level. They become comfortable around each other and let boundaries down. Sometimes, if the significant other isn't around, temptation from an attractive roommate is too much to bear. Just look at any season of the Real World within the past 10 years if you need proof.

I'm not saying any of this is going to happen to my friend. In her last e-mail to me, she said the hardest part about her trip was missing her boyfriend. I'm just pointing out that a lot of the feelings I described are natural to have. The question is what to do about them.

Some situations, like an internship abroad, can't be controlled, but what if your significant other lives in the same town as you and has a roommate of the opposite sex? Would you have any problems with that? Would you allow it? Have you ever had a roommate of the opposite sex? If so, did it remain platonic or, in the words of Harry, does sex always get in the way?

Case of the ex....

Communication, particularly telecommunication, is a great tool, isn't it?

In these times of instant messaging, MySpace, Facebook and e-mail, it's a lot easier for old friends and family to find their way back to each other. It just takes a good search engine and the click of the button. And let's not forget cell phones and text

These improvements in technology also make it easier for your ex to weasel back into your life unexpectedly.

Here's a hypothetical situation: You and your ex broke up about two years ago. He moves away to another state. You boo hoo and move on in your own way. Within about six months of the break-up, he calls you and tells you he has gotten someone pregnant and plans to marry her. Why? Because you really needed to know of course. Then he sends you an e-mail before the wedding about how concerned he is about you. Again, because you need to know. He goes on and gets married. You've find yourself someone. Yet, every time life gets to feeling too good, he sends you an e-mail that just totally boggles your mind. And finally, he sends you an e-mail saying he will be in town and you should get together for coffee.

The curious, yet conniving part of you says "I wonder what he really wants and I want him to see how great I'm doing." The wiser, more experienced part says "I don't need to go because no good can come from this."

I say stick with the wiser, more experienced response. But I also know from even more experience that it's easier said than done.

Have you ever been in a situation like this before? What did you do about it? Did you regret your decision later?

I don't like your girlfriend

In Avril Lavigne's most recent song, "Girlfriend," she unabashedly tries to steal another girl's guy:

"She's like so whatever
You could do so much better
I think we should get together now"

And so starts Avril's quest to knock the other girl down and get the boyfriend to run off with her. All's fair in love and war, right? Well, maybe.

When I started writing this post, I thought about how presumptuous it was of Avril to try to steal this other girl's guy. He's with the girl, so he must like her, plus, as far as I know, she didn't do anything to deserve all this from Avril. Girls should not steal other girls' guys. "What a hoochie mama Avril's being," I thought.

Then I realized that awhile back I was in the same position, and essentially did what Avril is doing. I had broken up with my boyfriend and liked another guy who was still seeing this other girl. Basically one night I told him I thought we should go out. He agreed and broke up with the other girl the next day.

So, since I don't generally think of myself as a hoochie mama or boyfriend stealer, I guess I have to say, "Yes, all is fair in love and war." Besides, if the guy really likes his girlfriend that much, a little temptation won't sway him.

Have you ever tried to steal someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend? How did that work out? Is it OK to try to steal another person's boyfriend or girlfriend?

PS - The "Girlfriend" video is pretty funny, so watch it here if you like:

How long is too long?

Today, I was riding along in my car listening to one of my favorite shows. The topic: women who have been in long-term relationships and how long should they wait out for a marriage proposal.

One caller said five years. Another one said four years.

I say, it depends.

This is one of those aspects of a relationship that should be communicated at length. If you are a woman who sees marriage as a goal, say that and hold true to that. If you know that you'll get impatient after three years, admit that to yourself and your mate. But be warned that men who are issued such ultimatums often don't become happy husbands.

If you're not the type who is focused on marriage, have fun and try not to divert from the plan.

Now the tricky part is when women flip the script. In the beginning, they try to be all casual and like I'm living in the moment. Then, all of a sudden on a whim or because their friends are doing it, they decide they want to get married. Sometimes, it's because they want to. Other times, it's because they feel the pressure.

And then they get all mad because the man is still traveling the course that he thought he shared with them. And, surprisingly, he's unwilling to veer from the course. Maybe it's time for more communication.

Now on to you. How long do you think you can handle being in a relationship without your guy proposing? Does it matter? Should it matter?

'You have a point.'

In the television show "Still Standing," Judy's parents constantly argue with each other. That is, until her husband, Bill, teaches her dad a trick he calls "Wife Away."

It works like this: Whenever a wife is nagging her husband, instead of arguing with her, he answers: "You have a point." The wife is happy her opinion has been acknowledged, and the husband is happy because he's not arguing with his wife. Imagine the following conversation ...

Wife: I'm told you hundred times, and I'm telling you again: put the toilet seat down after using the bathroom! It's annoying and unsightly!
Husband:You have a point.

Of course, the husband's intentions in this case are less than noble. He doesn't actually think his wife has a point, he's just saying she does, so she'll shut up. Still, this dialogue has a point.

The phrase works because it acknowledges the other person, certainly more than a grunt from the sofa would. The trick is, for it to mean anything, you have to actually listen before you say it. This goes for men and women in any relationship. If you want to avoid bickering over petty things -- or even big things for that matter -- actually start listening to your partner's concerns and make an effort to do something about it. If anything, agree to disagree. At least then you'll have made your point.

What do you think about Wife Away? What are some other ways to stop arguments before they start? What are some of the little things you argue about with your partner during a relationship?

Making something out of nothing....

Here's the scenario.

You've been in a relationship for awhile. Everything is comfortable. You've possibly even settled into a routine. No drama. No stress.

Then there's this moment in the relationship where you realize that the "click" is no longer there. There's no spark. Yet, you keep pushing. You try new things.

Nope, nothing there.

Now, this could be the relationship that evolved from a good friendship which you thought conveyed the possibility of a great romantic relationship.

Finally, you realize there's nothing wrong with the actual relationship. It's just ran its course. But the problem is either you have invested a lot or you care too much for the person to let it go.

I'm a firm believer in not trying to make something out of nothing unless it's money. A lot of times, you upset yourself and others as well as waste time.

How far would you carry a relationship that's not going badly, but that you no longer want to be in?

Do you stay together for the kids?

I haven't seen the movie "Knocked Up," but I know enough about it to realize that it's about almost every young, single woman's worst nightmare: getting pregnant after a one-night stand.

Of course, the fear doesn't have to be limited to a one-night stand. It could be any unplanned pregnancy that just seems to happen at the most inopportune time. Awhile back, Roxy wrote about having a contingency plan in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. Say your plan is to keep the baby and try to make a relationship work with the baby's father, but you two just weren't meant to be. Do you stay in the relationship for the baby?

A man I know says that if his girlfriend were to become pregnant, he would marry her no matter what and stay with her even if he didn't love her. At that point, raising the kid would be the most important thing in his life, and his own happiness would be secondary, he said.

That's a noble thought, but definitely not along my lines of thinking. For one, I wouldn't want there to be doubt in my mind that my husband married me just because I was pregnant and not because he loved me. What an awful way to live! Second, if you're not happy in your own marriage, you're not teaching your child about how a healthy relationship works.

While I agree that children should always come first and a couple should at least try to make it work before abandoning a relationship, I think two people can parent together without actually being together. Mom and Dad should show mutual respect for each other and work together on issues involving the child. They also may be married to the loves of the lives -- who just happen to not be each other.

Would you stay in any relationship for a child, even if you did not love your partner? Why or why not?

You wear the pants and I'll wear the MAC

OK, every now and then I hear of certain trends that just disturb me. This article notes a trend that just keeps becoming popular- men who choose to wear make-up.

I'm not talking about Prince or your heavy-metal rock bands or even some news broadcasters. I'm talking about the average Joe who lives around the block.

Men are supposedly becoming more comfortable with foundation and bronzer.

I barely work with foundation and bronzer and I prefer to date men who aren't aware of its existence.

We are entering dangerous territory here. In a minute, guys will be pulling the "no, you'll mess up my make-up" crap. I've already met a guy who was worried about sweating out his relaxer after recently getting it done. So not sexy.

I personally draw the line at men getting manicures and pedicures and that's mainly because I can't stand ugly feet.

As for the foundation, bronzer, lipstick and blush, I will willingly take on that burden in the relationship instead of my guy. Nothing about make-up equates masculinity- at least not to me.


Could you date a guy who wore make-up? Is there a point where you would draw the line? Would you look at your guy differently if he wore make-up?

Could you suffer from 'sleepsex'?

Do you ever wake up and wonder why your partner is having sex with you? Or why your roommates often ask what you were up to last night, even though you slept alone? If so, you may be suffering from "sleepsex."

Researchers already have looked at people who sleep walk or become aggressive during sleep, and now they're turning their sights to sexual behaviors people exhibit during shut-eye, according to this article.

People who participate in sleepsex, as it's been dubbed, often don't know they're doing it. Only men have been found to engage in actual intercourse while sleeping, but women have been known have sexual vocalizations. Both sexes have engaged in sleep masturbation, according to the article.

"Anything that people do during the daytime, we're realizing they can do during sleep, all the instinctual or basic behaviors," Dr. Carlos Schenck, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Minnesota Medical School, said in the article.

Now, I've heard of people falling asleep during sex, but this is a new one. I don't know that I've ever experienced sleepsex, but I think one of my friends may have come close. We often joke that when she sleeps she tends to moan. Maybe there's something raunchy going on in her head, and we just don't know about it.

What do you think about this phenomenon of sleepsex? Do you think it's a legitimate medical problem or just another way for a guy to excuse his behavior when trying to get lucky?

"My friends don't like the fact that I got back with my boyfriend/girlfriend" and.......

....it's all my fault.

At least that is how the quote should usually end.

When an on-again, off-again relationship takes place, the off-season is often used as a time of hurling insults and brutal honesty. When the proper recipient is unavailable, these statements are usually hurled in the direction of a close friend.

Fast forward a few weeks or a few months, the couple is back together and suffering from romantic amnesia. They're all lovey-dovey and the world is great again. That break-up either appears very minute or even vanished.

Unfortunately, the friend cannot be as captivated with the sexy appearance or the great personality that has suddenly returned.

Why? Because the friend has been brainwashed into hating the person (after all you have said) and now cannot return to being happily ignorant of every detail of the relationship. Therefore, the friend has a negative view of the relationship which leads to arguments and slight tears in the friendship.

So, I guess the moral of the tale is that significant other may do things that may be able to win you back, but is that something that they'll be able to receive a good opinion from your friend? If not, you may want to watch it with the venting unless you're sure it's over.

Have you ever engaged in an on-again, off-again relationship your friends didn't approve of? If so, do you think you were the driving force for your friend's opinions?