We've talked before about married couples who choose to sleep in different bedrooms. But what about those who choose to live thousands of miles away from each other?
About 3.6 million married Americans do just that in a trend dubbed "commuter marriages," according to TIME. Take, for instance, the wife who lives in San Francisco and her husband who lives in Denmark. Or the husband who lives in Los Angeles and his wife who lives in New York. They're making out just fine, and, according to TIME, commuter marriages are no more likely to fail than marriages between people who live together.
Commuter marriages often work because it allows both members of the couple to work where they want to. New technologies make it easier to keep in touch. Commuter marriages also may idealize the marriage, especially when you don't see your partner drooling on his pillow every night. In fact, the toughest part of a commuter marriage is adjusting to actually living together when that does happen, according to the article.
A commuter marriage sounds awfully tough to me, but I guess if you're up for it, research and anecdotal evidence show it can work.
Have you ever been in a commuter marriage? How did it work? Would you ever consider being a commuter marriage? Why or why not? Do you think a marriage will suffer if a husband and wife don't live together, at least in the same state?
Monday, November 19, 2007
Married but still miles apart
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16 comments:
I'm in a commuter marriage. We've been married for 13 years, 8 of which we lived together. He now lives in the North East and I live in GA. It works out great for us and we honestly get along much better now that we have our own households.
Anon: I'm curious. How often do you visit each other? Do you mostly communicate via phone, e-mail or video? Thanks for the comment!
I don't think I'd be willing to do it unless it was a temporary situation necessary for my or my partner's career advancement. I only think I could do it for a year or two. I'd need a time table. I'm also curious how you guys manage. I would certainly need to have scheduled in visits at least once or twice a month.
We see each other every couple of months and talk on the phone daily.
Also, it is because of our careers that we live separatly now. We both make over 6 figures and have gotten used to the lifestyle it allows. Neither of us is willing to risk our career or take a pay cut.
Why even bother getting married??? I don't get it...a husband and wife belong together more often than every 2 months or temptations will arise. Or maybe that doesn't matter to you.
"Neither of us is willing to risk our career or take a pay cut."
Wow. Seems pretty selfish. Why did you get married? If your careers and money are the most important things in your life, why do you need a spouse?
There is no need for us to attack the woman who is in a commuter marriage. She and her husband have found what works for them... and at a time when about half of marriages end in divorce, why judge her. congrats anon... why don't you donate some of those frequent flier miles to me, i know you guys have plenty (wink).
I don't think either of them are being selfish. They both obviously want the other person to achieve all of their professional goals. Obviously their situation works for them so I won't be a hater. When you go to college or you build a career from scratch before you meet your partner, it's a big part of your life and it's hard for one person to give that up for someone else especially if you are both successful and both really love what you do and are making the kind of money you want to make. I'm not making six figures, but I understand. I don't want my man to give up his dreams or cut his potential short and he doesn't want me to either. It takes strong people to do that.
We got married young I was 20 he was 25. Maybe it sounds selfish but we worked hard to get where we both are in our careers. We have a plan for both of us to be able to retire comfortably by 50. We will again live together as soon as possible but our plan for our future requires us to stay on the path we are. We will be more comfortable than most and be able to travel anytime we want. We go on a 1 month vacation together every summer. We're not worried about temptation we have our faith and complete trust in each other.
Good Luck !!
Thanks for your post. It really gives me hope and it lets me know it can be done. I'm not married yet, but I really love this person, and we both have so much room to grow in our careers. Thanks again for sharing.
Why get married though? It just seems you are living totally separate lives...it's not a marriage, it's a business arrangement!
who are you to judge what constitutes a marriage and what doesn't? I know we are more devoted to each other than many couples who live together. We know the boring details of our everyday lives because we talk via phone, email or IM all day long. I bet you we actually talk more than most couples married for over a decade. We know each other well enough to know how the other would answer tough moral question, what each would or wouldn't eat at any given restaurant (and trust me I'm probably the pickiest most fickle person about food). Just a slight change in the tone of voice alerts me if something is well or wrong with him before he even says. Most people who know us remark @ how we know, understand and just fit with each other. He is my husband and my best friend. How is that not a marriage?
Maybe the fact that you live in one state and he another...or that money beat out love and intimacy...
I agree with the last comment...it is so important to have someone close by to touch and comfort you or whatever the need arises at that moment. That is satisfied by especially by "physical presence" not by phone or computer. What a copout...a marriage on paper only!!
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