Is a rebound necessary?

There's a new movie coming out that looks incredibly dumb, but I'll probably see because my boyfriend likes Dane Cook and my good friend likes Jessica Alba. That movie, Good Luck Chuck, is about a guy who apparently has some kind of curse on him that makes every woman he sleeps with dump him and then marry the next guy she dates.

So much for a rebound guy.

One of my boyfriend's friends has suffered from Good Luck Chuck syndrome in the past. Time after time, he would date a woman, get in a long term relationship, and -- BAM -- she would dump him and marry the next man she dated.

Many people warn not to get serious with the next person you date immediately following a relationship. However, the above evidence begs me to question whether having a rebound is even necessary.

For some people, a break up can come as a shock. These people often get hurt and go through mourning for the relationship. They need rebounds because they still have lingering feelings for an ex or they just want to have fun without the commitment.

But for others, a break up is an official end to something that actually ended long ago. If a complete detachment from an ex occurred long before the actual break up, it may not be unusual to skip the rebound altogether.

What is the purpose of a rebound? Is it necessary to rebound after a relationship? Is it possible to find true love with the person you were supposed to be rebounding with?

Ruling out love?

When I was in college, I remember telling my friends that I would never date a guy more than five years older than me and I would never even talk to a guy with a child. My other requirement was that a guy could never have been married.

That was back in 2003 and here we are in 2007 and I've done both. Though we didn't hit it off, the guys were nice enough for me to give it a try.

But I know several people who strictly adhere to the rules they set. I know one person who won't date anyone who makes less than $50,000 a year, even though they have yet to make that kind of money for themselves. I also know a person who refuses to date anybody without a college education. I know a person who actually refuses to date anyone from a particular geographic region (of the U.S.) because of assumptions about politics and cultures. And I know several people who would never think to date someone outside of their race.

However, when it comes to setting these rules, a person is also limiting their dating pool, sometimes drastically and unrealistically. For instance, I understand that as I get older, not only do I have more experiences under my belt, but the men do as well. That increases the likelihood a man has a child or has been through a divorce. So, to rule these men out, I'm beginning to look at a population of men that is getting smaller and smaller everyday.

Do you have any rules that you tend to stick to when dating? Are they working for you? Have you ever went against these rules and how did that work out for you?

Securing a first date

A lot of what we write about on this blog has to do with what happens after you acquire the all-important first date. Of course, none of that information is helpful if you can't even get to that point, a fact that many of you recently have pointed out.

Before you post a comment about how I don't understand the difficulty of getting a date past a certain age, hear me out. I understand that getting a date is a lot different for 20-year-old compared to a 40-year-old. I understand that not everyone is thin and looks like Jessica Alba or Matthew Fox. However, there are certain things people of all ages and body types can do to increase their chances of attracting the opposite sex.

The following tips are based on traits I find attractive in the opposite sex.

1. Be confident. And if you don't have confidence, fake it until you do. This piece of advice really can apply to anything in life, from getting a date to getting a job. People who appear confident and sure of themselves make others have confidence in them. Time and time again, I have heard guys say that confidence attracts them to women, and as a woman, I can tell you confidence attracts me to men.

2. Keep up your appearance. Work with what you've got. Fewer people are perfect than imperfect, so it's unreasonable to expect perfection. Simple things like being clean and well-kept go a long way. Think of all the makeovers you see on TV. I always think everyone ends up looking amazing after getting an updated haircut and clothes that fit.

3. Smile. OK, so I stole this from another blogger, but it's true! If you don't look friendly, no one is going to approach you. Think of it this way: Would you rather approach someone who is smiling at you or someone who is frowning? I'd go for the smile every time.

4. Share common interests. Join groups that include people who you would like to meet. For example, if you join a gardening club, you already have a topic of conversation (no worrying about what to say) and a love of flowers in common. To meet people, you have to go places besides work and home. This is one way to do so.

5. Enjoy the life you have. You're not going to meet someone overnight, so you might as well enjoy being single. Besides, everyone always says love comes when you least expect it.

What are some things people can do to attract the opposite sex and secure a first date? What attracts you to another person? What makes you ask a person out on a date?

Married men are great.....

as conversationalists. According to this article on MSNBC.com, single women prefer talking to married men over bachelors.

But why wouldn't we? Married men, or men who are in very serious relationships, tend to be more stable and more confident. They also give us hope that we could one day reel one in for ourselves. and usually, are better at giving advice on relationships than guys who appear to be eternal bachelors. I've also found that your topic base expands way outside the realm of male-female relationships mainly because, most likely, neither party's thoughts on the subject will ever affect the other person. You can completely be yourself because you're not trying to impress them. You can cry on their shoulder and know that they actually care and are not just trying to hop into bed with you.

And, most importantly (unless you're heading into an adulterous situation), you never have to ask yourself the question of what is really going on in the situation. You never have to envision and anticipate that dreaded "relationship talk."

Simply put: single men are scary because of the possibilities, married and seriously-involved men are comfortable because of their stability with someone else.

As women, have any of you found it easier to communicate with men who were in relationships? Why or why not?

Relocating for love

One of my favorite classic songs is "Midnight Train to Georgia." Throughout the song, Gladys Knight is talking her love returning to Georgia after failing to become a star in L.A. How does she deal with the pending separation? She decides to leave with him.

When in love, sometimes you have to make sacrifices and sometimes, that sacrifice is packing up and moving where your significant other resides.

I'm not talking about a move across town. I'm talking about a move to another state or across the country. I've even seen someone move to another continent to be with their significant other.

Sometimes, one person in the relationship must maintain their place of residence for their profession. Other times, it could boil down to economics of travel and who has a greater income. And then there are some cases where one person just gets tired of the distance and decides to move.

How is it decided who will up and move? What factors play a role? If there are people out there who have moved for a mate, is there any resentment or remorse or was it the best decision you ever made? What level should a relationship be at for this type of decision to come into play?

"I'm pregnant...."

No, that was not an announcement about where I am in life. But that is a statement that more and more of my friends appear to be making as we move towards our late 20s.

For some, it's a joyous occasion because they are in a stable marriage or serious relationship where the idea of having a child only seems to be a happy addition. The father-to-be knows and he is excited and quickly sets out to purchase a football (for a son) or a shotgun (for a daughter).

However, there are others who find themselves in those less-defined relationships. It could be the friends with benefits type of situation where you and the person actually have a true friendship, but lack the romance. And then there's the purely physical relationships where you only get phone calls after a certain time of night. And those phone calls only lead in one direction- the bedroom.

Having this type of relationship and learning that you're pregnant can be devastating. It brings about all types of questions about the nature of the relationship. And on top of that, you have to tell a guy who is not in a relationship with you.

My question is, and I would love guys' input on this as well, how and when do you tell a guy that you're pregnant when you're not in a serious relationship?

Why today of all days?

Yesterday, I was having one of those days where I didn't feel the most beautiful.

It was my time of the month, my roots needed touching up and everything just kept going wrong.

So, of course, everywhere I went, some guy tried to hit on me.

Whether it was just standing outside my job getting a breath of fresh air or Autozone trying to pick up a new gas cap, guys were asking for my number.

Now, this isn't the first time this has happened and I have other friends who have shared similar experiences of guys wanting them when they felt like crap.

It's happened while having their hair wrapped in a scarf and enduring a bout with the flu. It's happened while painting a house in overalls straight out of the "Dukes of Hazzard." It's happened on a day where the pimples on someone's face could have literally led to a game of connect the dots.

Now, mind you, sometimes, when you're having a bad day, a good pick-up from a cute guy could turn the whole thing around, but oftentimes, you are too caught up in how terrible your day is.

And, the funny thing is there are days where you get all dolled up and know that you are looking fabulous and don't half as much attention as you expected. And you could be having an all-out good day.

Does anybody have a clue as to why guys sometime choose your worst days to make a move? Have you ever noticed a guy hitting on you when you were not in your best condition?

Having a 'High Fidelity moment'

Relationships generally fail for a reason. But sometimes that reason is not blatantly clear for both parties.

This can lead to what someone recently referred to as a "High Fidelity moment." In the movie, High Fidelity, John Cusak's character goes back and finds all his exes to ask why their relationships ended. Was it something he did? Was it something she did? Is he somehow inadequate all together? He is certainly not the first person to do that, nor will he be the last.


Years ago, I casually dated a guy for a bit until we had a falling out of sorts and just didn't talk again. A few years after not speaking, he IMs me wondering what went wrong and when was I going to come visit him. The answer to the last question was a bit fat "NEVER." Well, after talking to him awhile, I come to find out he had recently broken up with his girlfriend. Because she didn't want him, I guess he wanted to see if I still did.

Of course, sometimes people who have High Fidelity moments may genuinely want to try again. Maybe they recognize the error of their ways, realize they want something different out of life or realize that they really wanted their ex to start with. But it can be hard to sort them out from all the people who just want to feed their own egos.

Why do you think people come back to exes after relationships end? Could it be they're looking for validation or a real relationship? Has an ex ever come crawling back to you? How did he/she act? How did you react?

Too young to marry?

Each time I hear about a young person under the age of 22 getting married, I cringe a little.

When I hear that high school sweethearts marry as early as 18 or that two 20-year-olds not even out of college tie the knot, I can't help but be skeptical. Do they really know, that young, that they have found the person they want to live the rest of their lives with?

Not always, according to an author quoted on msn.com:

“The younger you are when you’re married, the more likely it is to end in divorce,” says Pamela Paul, author of The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony. Forty percent of marriages overall fail. “That number goes up into 50 percent or more for people in their 20s,” she adds.

Obviously older people can marry and still have their marriages end in divorce, but the more time you spend prior to marriage figuring out what you want, the lesser the chance you'll divorce who you eventually marry. People in their teens and early 20s (myself included here), need to date several people, live on their own, start a career and find out what they want from life before adding another permanent person into the mix.

That's not to say that young people do not understand the concept of love. Children and teens can love others, even romantically. The difference is that they don't understand the work that goes into sustaining love. If you don't know yourself, you can't expect someone else to know you. This can only be learned with time.

Do you think age matters when two people marry? When is too young to get married? Is anyone of any age capable of sustaining a marriage, or does it take a certain maturity? Do you think young people can be in love, or do you think that's something that happens only when people are older?

We'll have to base it on sex then

In the movie Speed, Sandra Bullock's character says relationships that are based on a crisis situation never work out.

Annie: You're not going to get mushy on me, are you?
Jack: Maybe. I might.
Annie: I hope not, 'cause you know, relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.
Jack: Oh yeah?
Annie: Yeah, I've done extensive study on this.

Of course, she disregards her own wisdom when she starts making out with Keanu Reeves at the end of the film, but let's ignore that for a minute.

Why might a relationship based on a crisis not work out? For one, following a stressful situation, both parties are running high on adrenaline, a feel-good endorphin that makes your heart race and your palms sweat. Your body also releases adrenaline in the second stage of love, which gauges your attraction to another person. That means what you feel following a crisis could be confused with attraction toward another person, especially if he's of the tall, dark and handsome variety.

In addition, if you base a relationship off of a few hours you spent with another person during a high stress situation, you probably don't know that person very well. Granted, you know how that person responds under pressure, but what about their likes, dislikes and morals? These are all things that should be considered before starting a relationship, not after jumping into one.

The fact of the matter is, if you start a relationship with a firefighter who saves you from a burning building (or a runaway bus), chances are it's not going to last.

Do you think relationships based on intense situations can ever be successful? Have you ever fallen for someone who helped you out during a stressful time? How did it work out?

You're the best!!!!!

Am I the best kisser you ever had? Am I the best lover you ever had? Have you ever dated someone who treated you as well as I do?

These are questions that have actually been asked in a relationship at some point or another. It places the respondent in a position to have to compare and that is not always a fun feeling. Why? Because it often results in comparing apples and oranges.

You may date someone who is not the best kisser, but the way they make you laugh is priceless. Or a person may not be the best in bed, but they were by your side when your relative fell ill or you were in the hospital. You may have dated someone who gave you diamonds for every holiday, but your current significant other may remember your favorite hard-to-find song and burn it for you.

In the few instances I've had to answer these questions, my response has come off something like this: Obviously, there's a reason why I'm with you. Sure, it's a cop-out, but it works. And frankly, because I'm with that person and not the other person, it makes them, by default, the best overall. If I could find better, I would get it.

How do you respond to these quality questions in your relationship? Have you ever asked these questions and how did the other person respond?

The end that wasn't

While I was catching up on an episode of "My Boys" the other night, I was introduced to a new relationship term: open-ender.

The exact definition of an open-ended relationship is debatable, but basically it has to do with a relationship that never really ended. It's a relationship where two people drifted apart, more because of circumstance than a desired break-up.

In the show, PJ had been with this guy in college until they went their separate ways one summer. The relationship never really ended, but both of them had moved on anyway. Years later, the guy wants to see PJ. She gets excited, and all her feelings from the relationship come rushing back, just like the relationship never ended.

Open-enders can be dangerous because you never know if the other person has moved on. Unfortunately in PJ's case, the object of her desire had moved on and was engaged. He said he had needed to see her because of the relationship's lack of closure. He needed to see if the feelings were still there. For him, they weren't.

On the other hand, two people in an open-ended relationship could rediscover each other years later and realize the flame is still burning.

Have you ever been involved in an open-ended relationship? What were the circumstances? Did you meet with the other person years later to find closure or a fresh romance?

Dependent enough?

I do take some weird joy in the fact that I can change a fuse on my car and kill Palmetto bugs in my apartment all by myself. I even own a plunger and a tool set. Living on my own for the past three years has shown me just how independent and crafty I can be and that's no small feat for a daddy's girl.

Yet, I can't help but think of a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago. She was preparing to marry her long-time fiance and I was joking with her about losing her independence when she said something that stuck with me to this day. "It's not that I'm not independent, it's just that I'm dependent enough."

Fast forward a couple of years and I have gotten used to doing everything for myself. So now, when I date a guy, and he asks to do something for me, I'm usually quick to do it myself. Not because I don't want him to, but because it's just habit for me to do things for myself.

For the independent ladies out there, do you find it difficult to learn to achieve that appropriate level of dependence? How important a role do you think independence and dependence play in a relationship?

Looking in all the wrong places

Finding a good mate is a lot like finding your keys. They're always in the last place you look.

You may search your couch and find some loose change, which is useful for awhile, but ultimately not very valuable and eventually runs out. You may look in your refrigerator and find some rotten food that's sure to make you sick. You may check the dresser drawer and find someone else's underwear mingling next to yours, a reminder of a mistake you'd rather forget.

Sometimes, your keys seem missing for good, and you decide to take a break from looking. You'll ride your bike, walk or even order groceries from the Internet. But even though you may be able to do without your keys for awhile, eventually you'll want to rev your engine, and the search begins again. You continue to sift through the loose change and moldy bread because eventually, you know -- or at the very least hope -- your keys will turn up.

No one can tell you where to look, but more often than not, keys show up in the most obvious of places, whether it be a coat pocket or under the driver's seat in your car. Many times they show up when you're not even looking.

So if you're getting worn down scouring the dating scene, stop a minute and look around you. Maybe the person you're looking for was right under your nose all along.

Have any of you found your sweetheart around people you already know? Have you found the love of your life when you weren't even looking? Do you think it's best to look around or just be content until the right person finds you?

I prefer this but I'll take that

A study from Indiana University delivered earth-shattering information last week: When selecting mates, men go for looks while women tend to be more selective.

No duh, right? After getting over the article's explanation of how this all falls into Darwinism and its selection of the labels "choosy females" and "competitive males," I read on further where they said men say they want certain character and professional qualities in a mate, but if she's hot, he tends to forget about those.

Like the men, the women also didn't stick within the qualities they say they want in a guy, but they tended to be more discriminating. Why? Because they wanted a man who was going to stick around. Oddly enough, they never exactly said why the men choose women based on physical traits. I guess they just do.

One of the things that stuck out to me the most was that neither group, male or female, really stuck to what they stated their preferences were. Not that I will ever get this question answered, but I wonder if they wrote down what sounds good. You know the usual suspects in that line-up- ambitious, good-looking, rich, a good person.

Have you ever made a list or noted all of your preferences in a mate? When you date, do you find yourself going out with people with all those qualities or is it just based on attraction?

Nothing compares to good advice

My friend, Abigail, is great at giving advice. And when she does, it's done so matter-of-factly that you can't help but wonder why you hadn't come to that conclusion yourself.

Take for instance, this piece of advice she gave me about driving in some of the sketchier parts of Atlanta: If you are stopped at a red light at an intersection and don't feel safe, look both ways and run the light. If a cop stops you, tell him how glad you are to see him and explain you didn't feel safe and why. He would have to be cold-hearted to give you a ticket.

Makes perfect sense, right?

Abigail is just as good at giving dating advice, and I consider her my go-to person when men start to confuse me. Here's just one page out of her dating advice book: If a guy asks for your number, she says, go ahead and give it to him. But always ask for his number in return. That way if he calls, and you don't want to talk, you can ignore his call. And above all, never delete a guy, specifically an ex, from your phone. This is for the same reasons as above.

I have heeded her advice and still have the phone numbers of all my exes in my phone. Since in general my exes and I have ceased communication altogether, I haven't had to avoid any unwanted calls, but it's still nice to know I can if need be.

Do you have any friends who you regularly go to for dating advice? What makes that person's advice so good? What is some of the best dating advice you've heard?

Breaking the contract

Sometimes, as adults, we find ourselves in relationships for the sole purpose of sex. These types of situations are given many names: the jump-off, booty call, sex buddy and other references which I'm sure you've heard at some point and time.

Either way, agreements are made that we both acknowledge the limited extent of the relationship. The expectation is to engage in sexual intercourse from time to time and that's it. No dinner. No morning after. No meeting the parents. No Valentine's Day presents. Just sex after a well-timed phone call or text.

These types of situations can go on for years without a single bump in the road. However, many times, it never gets that far because someone begins to develop romantic feelings for the other, hence, the breaking of the contract.

Now, one could acknowledge their feelings, which would acknowledge the contract being broken. This has, on occasion, led to rejection and dismissal by the other person. Or the other person could acknowledge that they feel the same way leading to more contemplation.

Another option could be not acknowledging those feelings. People who I've seen try this method usually put themselves through an agony filled with hypotheticals.

Is it possible to be in a purely sexual relationship without ever developing feelings for the other person? Can a successful romantic relationship develop from a purely sexual relationship?

Showing your true colors

At the start of a new relationship, most of us are on our best behavior. It's at this point we remember everything our mommas told us. Stand up straight. Say please and thank you. Smile. Be polite. Tie your hair back. Wear a belt. Cross your legs.

We're dressing and acting to impress, worried that one slight mishap could cost us the man — or woman — of our dreams. In reality, if we lose a person because of one of these little nuances we're probably better of anyway. But we're in new relationships and not thinking logically. We're convinced we can make our date like us, if only we dress and act right.

So women try on 10 different outfits before leaving the house and men open doors for their dates. We don't say what we really think about that witch bringing us our drinks for fear of offending the other person. It's a polite and pretty world we live in.

Then the honeymoon period ends. Women stop shaving their legs for extended periods of time and men stop wearing cologne. We come home to our significant others and without even a "How was your day?" launch into the latest irritation at work. It may sound bad, but really it means that a couple is comfortable around each other and love each other despite their faults.

What do you think about the pleasantries that surround dating and the early stages of a relationship? Do you consider them a waste of time or a chance to build trust with someone new? How long does it take for you to become comfortable with someone and just let it all hang out?

X-ing out an ex

Let's admit it. Some of us are a little bit too nice, even at times a little bit too forgiving.

Even though a person may have cheated on you with a dozen people, you still let them have phone and e-mail privileges after it's over. A person may have announced your breakup to the entire world before letting you in on it, but you add them as a friend on Facebook anyway.

However, sometimes the ex who violated the relationship contract still manages to vex you long after you have bid adieu and given your forgiveness. I've seen situations where a man has impregnated and married the other woman just to call the ex he did wrong to engage in some soul searching. There was also another situation where a friend of mine dated a serial cheater for five years only for him to call her up every year after the breakup to say he's in love with her and wants to be with her despite the fact that he's with another woman. Women do it as well. One of my closest male friends had an ex who cheated on him repeatedly call him up three years after the breakup saying she was pregnant and wished that it was his. The nerve of some people.

However, the biggest problem in these cases is that the lines of communication are still open. Understandably, some people can break up and remain friends. But usually, when someone screwed you over, that's hard to do. And to think the people still find ways to negatively impact your life.

Now, the people in the above situations have used various methods to end their individual vicious cycles. One used avoidance, which isn't working. One changed her phone number, which did work eventually. And one basically disappeared from everybody except those closest to them.

What do you feel is the best way to get rid of an ex? When is the best time to rid yourself of an ex?