Pregnant while dating

When it comes to dating, you should expect surprises here and there.

However, there are some surprises you can never be prepared for- like finding out the guy you’re dating has a child on the way.

I’ve actually known more than one person who has been in that situation throughout my life- whether it was something known from the beginning or it was something that the potential father learned while pursuing another relationship.

In cases where the guy decided to play an active role in the child’s life and the new girlfriend embraced it or moved on. I’ve also seen, sadly, situations where the guy decided to have nothing to do with the child and move on with his new relationship as if nothing happened.

I honestly don’t know what I would do because it’s so far from being a cut and dry situation. There so many factors at play such as how did he get into the situation and the way he handled himself.

Do you think that you could date a man who has a child on the way with another woman? Are there any guys out there who have ever been in the situation where they were preparing to become a father while dating other women? How do you handle such a situation?

Summer lovin'

Perhaps my favorite thing about summer flings is that they have a built in expiration date. There are no expectations about your future couple hood, and as the summer winds down so does your relationship. That's how it's supposed to be. It's called a "fling" for a reason.

Summer flings usually are passionate affairs that move quickly as both parties recognize the ticking clock on their newfound relationship. Perhaps one of you is on vacation, and you only have a few short, but undeniably sweet, weeks together. Perhaps one of you is going off to graduate school in the fall, changing jobs or preparing to be more career oriented come September. Whatever the reason, the couple can be sure to make a clean break come fall, provided they both follow the rules of a summer fling.

1. Throw your dating requirements out the window. So what if the guy lives a little bit on the edge and doesn't have a real job? You two will part in September, and you'll be able continue on with your higher expectations with even more zealous then.

2. Don't plan for the future. Planning to see each other after the summer just complicates a summer fling and sucks the life out of your last few weeks together.

3. Allow yourself to get that giddy crush feeling you used to get in high school. It's healthy and will give you a new zest for dating.

4. Play it safe. Although the above rules sounds loosy-goosy, don't throw safety out the window. Practice safe sex, if you have it, and don't let any one mistreat you.

Do you have any additional rules to add to the list?

Can you just not do it?

Let’s say that you’re a sexually active 20-something year old woman and you begin a pleasant relationship with a guy. Everything is going great. You have great conversations. He understands you. He appears invested in your happiness.

It gets to be about two months down the line and the two of you have been very slow about establishing physical intimacy. In the middle of one of your great conversations, you learn that he is celibate and has been so for several years.

This happened recently to someone that I know. And she was taken aback in the beginning to say the least.

However, she got over it and decided to continue to let the relationship blossom with the guy. She does have her tempting moments, but she determined that good company over the long term is worth more than a moment of physical pleasure.

While I’m not exactly sure what I would have done in that situation, I think that if you’re sexually active, you should not be in a relationship with a celibate person if you don’t have the willpower. That could lead to infidelity or motivating, or forcing, the other person to give in and give up their willpower. And that would not be a good look.

What do you think of a sexually active person dating a celibate person? Do you think it could work? Are you a sexually active person who has tried to date a celibate person? Did that work out for you?

Love without marriage

The usual order of a relationship is as follows: Fall in love, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. But nowadays, more and more couples are opting out of the "get married" part of the equation.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are an example of two well-known people in a committed, yet non-marriage relationship, but the trend is not limited to celebrities.

Around 5 million U.S. households were occupied by unmarried couples of the opposite sex, according to a 2006 U.S. Census report. That's up from 3.4 million in 1999, according to another Census report.

So why are some people opting out of marriage? There are social, political and romantic reasons.

Actor Brad Pitt told Esquire magazine in October 2006 that he and actress Angelina Jolie -- with whom he is raising four children -- have declined to consider marriage until same-sex couples have the right to wed.

Partners choose not to marry for other reasons. (Alison) Hatch, whose dissertation examined 48 committed heterosexual couples choosing to not pursue legal marriage, has spoken to people who feel marriage is a patriarchal institution. Some are against the intertwining of church and state in marriage. There also are emotional reasons why committed couples choose to stay unwed.

"I think that a lot of people like the kind of organic nature that your relationship takes on when you decide not to marry," says Julie Bluhm, 31, a Minneapolis, Minnesota-based clinical social worker and a board member of the Alternatives to Marriage Project, a national nonprofit organization advocating equality for unmarried people. "It's almost a deeper appreciation of their relationship and the privacy of it."

What do you think about long-term relationships without marriage? Are you or anyone you know in such a relationship? Why might it work? Why might it not work? Is a committed, marriage-less relationship something you would consider? What if your partner wanted to wed and you didn't? Or, what if you wanted to wed and your partner didn't? What would you do?

You're too pretty for me to date

I have a friend who refuses to date pretty boys

Her reasoning is that when you date someone that attractive, you will always have to face a greater amount of competition from other girls who are trying to replace you.

Furthermore, she will argue that she doesn’t consider herself to be a pretty girl. So in the one instance where she did date a “pretty boy”, she often felt inferior around girls she felt were more attractive. And she was always concerned that he would cheat on her with one of them.

In my experience, I’ve been out with everything from guys that were deemed really attractive by most females and guys who simply weren’t. When it came right down to it, I can pretty much say they all had at least one other woman who wanted them.

So fearing that someone else will want them is not a good reason to rule someone out. However, if your self-esteem can’t take dating someone that you think everyone wants, maybe you shouldn’t date them.

Would you date someone who you deemed significantly more attractive than you? Have you ever dated you considered that attractive and how did it go?

Waiting for him to come around

Back in college, there was this guy that I really wanted to go out with. We were friends, and for various reasons he said he was interested in me but wasn't ready for a relationship. Stupidly, I said I would wait for him. And as you probably have guessed by now, he never came around.

I see now that his telling me that he wasn't "ready" for a relationship really meant that he just wasn't that into me. (Thanks, Greg and Liz.) I'm pretty sure my friends knew this but were too nice to tell me. But at the time, I couldn't see that, and I held out hope that when he was "ready" we would be together.

So I waited. And waited. And waited. And, whoops! He got a girlfriend all right, but it just wasn't me.

Pain and heartache followed, and it all could have been avoided (or at least dealt with months earlier) if I had just decided to move on and not wait around for someone who wasn't going to be there later. Ruined the friendship, too. That was a bummer.

Has anyone else told anyone they would wait for them? How did that turn out? Has someone told you they would wait for you? What did you think about that? Is waiting for someone ever a good idea? I'm inclined to say no, but I could be wrong.

Tattoos

When it comes to romantic relationships, I'm all for expressing your love for your significant other.

However, when it comes to tattoos, I just cannot advocate the effort.

Mind you, I do have a tattoo and I remember everything about the day, from where I went to who went with me to what I ate before I got it.

So when I hear of people going to the tattoo shop together to get matching tattoos, especially those who have only been in a relationship for a short time, I cringe a little. That's because I know that if the relationship ends, the tattoo will be a constant reminder of a failed relationship.

Worse yet are those who get the person's image or names inked on them. You will never be able to forget the person if the relationship ends. And just imagine explaining it to future significant others. I'm certain it is a bit of a turn-off.

My thing is, for the most part, tattoos are permanent. Relationships rarely are.

What do you think of getting tattoos with your partner or with your partner's names on it? Have you ever done it? Do you regret it? Do you think it matters whether or not you are married to the person?

Is the economy hurting your love life?

It is sad when the economy is hurting the dating scene, and I truly think it is. Raven already mentioned how long-distance couples are seeing each other less because of gas prices, and now we're looking for cheaper dates too.

My boyfriend and I are definitely feeling the pinch on our wallets when it comes to going out. Trips to Atlanta are more infrequent and carefully considered and planned. We used to have lunch together at a restaurant once a week on a regular basis, and that's all but stopped completely. Even simple things, like going out and shooting some pool, have been scaled back. With rising gas prices and rising — well — everything else, we just can't afford to do these things at the same frequency anymore.

As a result, we look for cheap things to do with our time. This usually includes renting movies, cooking dinner for each other and going to the pool. Still fun, but definitely more thrifty.

Has the economy affected how you plan your dates? Have you changed plans in order to save money? What are some ways you save money when dating?

Do you think this affects you more if you are single? Obviously, those who are in a relationship already have a date, they just need something cheap to do. Singles often spend money to get a date (in a non-prostitute sort of way, get your head out of the gutter), such as going out to a bar and buying drinks or generally being social and out in public.

"I do" at a later date

This year, I’m scheduled to be in one wedding and attend two more.

The bright side of all of these weddings is that the bride and groom need not worry about the other person backing out. Why, you may ask?

Because all of these couples are already married.

One couple got married three years ago and didn’t want to have the big event until the bride finished getting her second degree. The second couple got married prior to the groom’s deployment overseas. The third couple just wanted to get married and figured they wanted the ceremony after they saved up enough money.

The one thing I must admit that I like about going to weddings for married couples is the reassurance that a wedding will likely take place. I’ve seen enough called-off engagements happen up to just three weeks before the wedding. So forgive me if skepticism sets in when I open the engraved invitation in my mailbox.

However, one of my acquaintances says having a bigger ceremony down the line is being selfish. To him, it’s just a waste of time considering the action has taken place already.

What do you think of couples who wait to have the ceremony after they have gotten married? When a couple has been married for awhile, do you believe it makes the event any less significant?

Debt = Deal Breaker

We've talked before about dating people with high incomes versus low incomes and vice versa. For me, and I think I've said this before, dating someone with a low income is not a definite deal breaker. Dating someone with debt, however, is.

And I'm not talking about someone who has a normal amount of debt that they pay off on a regular basis, such as a financed car or a mortgage on a house. I'm talking about the people who never pay off their credit cards, always pay the minimum payment and already are piling on the debt with no end in sight.

This is a deal breaker. Part of the reason is because debt scares me. But mostly it's because I know this means that we have different spending habits, and I would be unable to live with his.

With the tough economy we're in right now, it can be rough trying to stay within a budget and control spending. For me, it means eating out less and cutting down on other purchases, like clothes, that I would like but don't necessarily need. For others, it means pulling out the plastic.

Here are three sobering statistics:

* About 43% of American families spend more than they earn each year.
* Average households carry some $8,000 in credit card debt.
* Personal bankruptcies have doubled in the past decade.

This means a whole lot of people in the dating pool have a whole lotta debt.

Is debt a deal breaker for you? If so, why? If not, what amount of debt would you accept? If you have a lot of debt, has it ever affected your dating relationships? Is it fair to judge someone based on the about of money they owe?

Fueling up for love

Here's a funny comment I recently overheard while out at a restaurant in Macon: I'm not going out with her. She lives in Perry. You have to think about gas prices here.

I had to keep my chuckle to myself. But it wasn't the first time I heard such a comment.

As it stands right now, gas prices are going up and show no signs of going down no matter how hard you wish, pray or swear to sacrifice your first born. And it has found a way to take a toll on all facets of life, including relationships.

Slowly, but surely, my friends who are in long-distance relationships have seen the number of visits from their significant others dwindle to about half. Though my friends are not happy, they understand.

Has gas prices had any effect on your long distance relationship? Does it play a role when you are considering dating someone who is not right around the corner?

Not quite perfect

As I get older and more realistic about life and men, I realize that nothing nor no one is 100 percent perfect (myself included).

This means that no man will live up to my ridiculously high standards that were created by the movies. This means that I will have to accept flaws in men and love them anyway.

It's OK if he doesn't clean as well as I would like, if his eyes aren't the right color or he's not tall enough. It's also OK if we don't like all the same music, movies and television shows. These things are ancillary. Of course you need some common ground, but liking all the same things is not necessary.

This does not mean that I will lower my standards. The most important criteria in a man will still stand: must be employed, must be loving and caring, must be good with children.

I'm sure a lot of you have come to this realization already. What I'm wondering is: what is an adequate amount of living up to someone's standards of a perfect guy or girl? Is it as high as 95 percent perfect, or as low as 60 percent perfect? How far up on your list of perfect does a guy or girl have to reach for that person to be considered perfect for you?

The rules to calling

This past weekend, I was reminded of one of my greatest pet peeves about dating.

While I was hanging out Saturday night, I ran into this guy I had met at an earlier event. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. We danced a little and he asked for my number. I gave it to him.

By the time I got home that night, he had left me a voicemail and found me to add as a friend on Facebook. And all of this was before I went to bed. I was a little taken aback by the whole timing.

When I give my number out at night, I definitely don’t expect to hear from the guy earlier than the next day. If it’s any earlier than that, I’m likely to think you’re either desperate or you want something from me.

My general rule when I just met a guy and give him my number is not to talk to him the next day. However, I know I have friends who have their own rules for when they should receive a call which range anywhere between 24 hours and three days.

When it comes to giving out your number, how much time do you believe should go by before you receive a call?

Drinking and dating

It's a known fact that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, and many of us will imbibe in a glass or two during a first, second or third date to lessen our nerves. In fact, one drink or two can actually enhance a date early on when the result is increased flirtation and coy looks in the other person's direction. Nervous hand wringing can be abolished and may actually lead to holding hands!

Too many drinks, though, may be a date's downfall. Several drinks means looser lips that may share facts that the relationship is not ready for. These may include, but are not limited to: how many people you've slept with, what you want to name your future children, or the fact that you are not actually over your ex. Such revelations may turn your date off and may stop the relationship right it in tracks.

Drink even more, and you are sure to run into deal breakers. These include, but, again, are not limited to: vomiting, passing out, being generally disgusting or flirting with other people. Date. Is. Over. For. Sure.

Do you choose to drink on a date? Has alcohol ever played a significant role in your dates? Did it give you the courage to say something that you would have been unable to say sober? Did you do something ridiculous that you later regretted? What have some of your dates done under the influence of alcohol?

“I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now.”

These words have slashed a tiny wound into many women’s (and some men’s) hearts.

The uttering of these words usually come during a conversation about where a situation is going (hopefully not within the first 24 hours because that just seems desperate).

Once they come out, the other party must decide which direction to follow.

For those who want the more serious path, the likely path is to remove yourself from the situation. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to achieve the same goal.

Then there’s what I consider the cruelest road. This road is where the listening party decides that the person who made the statement doesn’t know what they want. In their minds, the other person actually wants the relationship but just needs someone to tell them and show them. More than likely, this type of pressure will lead to a person’s desire for a relationship to diminish.

Then there’s what I consider the middle ground- the wait and see approach. With a great amount of patience, you stick around because obviously this person must be cool because you deemed them worth of becoming a significant other. It could blossom into a relationship, a friendship or just a season in your life.

Have you ever heard this statement and how did you react? What do you think is the appropriate way to react?

Single or not?

Before asking anyone out, it's important to determine if your person of interest is single. While this is not necessary (surely the person will inform you once you do the asking), knowing the person's status in advance can spare some potential embarrassment. Of course, this can be easier said than done.

Eliminating married men and women is a pretty straightforward task. A ring on the left ring finger is a pretty sure sign that someone is taken. Now, if there's no ring, the task becomes tougher, especially if you only know the person in a casual setting and share no friends.

If you come straight out and ask if the person is single, that's a pretty sure sign that you're interested, and you might as well have just asked the person out anyway. For those not so bold, there are some other options. You could ask a co-worker or someone who knows the person well. Of course, then you might run into the chance that the person you ask tells the object of your affection that you're asking about them.

Another option is to work it somehow into conversation. For instance you could ask if she and her boyfriend (or he and his girlfriend) have plans for this weekend. A simple "no," means she probably has a boyfriend. But if there is no one in the picture, she may clarify that no, she doesn't have a boyfriend. Or you could talk about a movie that's coming out and say, "Oh, I bet you and your significant other would love that!" Again, if there's no SO, the person will probably clarify.

There are other more discreet ways as well. You can look for the person on Facebook or MySpace, or you can google the person and see what comes up.

What are the best methods you have for finding out if someone is single? Do you usually take the straightforward or the discreet route?

The fine art of dating a southern gentleman

When it comes to attracting a man below the Mason-Dixie line, it supposedly requires a certain level of finesse.

MSN.com posted an article detailing the way to woo a man of the South.

It listed the following rules as the way to get into a man's heart:

1) Talk to the guy about his special skill set.

2) Acknowledge the major role his mother plays in his life.

3) Act like a lady.

4) Embrace southern culture.

5) Don't criticize his family.

6) Understand that the southern man has a soft interior.

I thought some of these tips were good for not just dating southern men, but men of all cultures. What man doesn't want a lady who is actually interested in the things he cares about?

What do you think of these suggestions? Do you think they only apply to men from the South? Are there some other tips you would suggest for dating southern men?

From crush to dud

Crushes can be pretty intense. They get you all tangled up in your words and and your steps, and all you want to do is be around the other person who makes you all giddy inside. That can be a great feeling.

And when you finally get up the nerve to confess your feelings to your crush and you lean in for that first magical kiss, it's like you two are the only ones there. You can feel your heart beating inside your chest, your hands are clammy and each touch feels like something new. This moment is often the ultimate fulfillment that you've longed for.

Except when it's not.

Instead of feelings to bliss, you feel — well — nothing. You think your breath might smell, or is that his? And her lips are so ... lip-like. No spark. No chemistry. No wham-bam. Nada. Awkward.

Then following the let down that your crush was not the person you expected them to be, you have to come to the realization that you just wasted the last x-amount of time in your life pining over something who makes you feel like you're kissing your sibling. Blah.

Have you ever had an experience where a crush didn't turn out the way you wanted it to? Was there a time when you thought you were falling head over heels only to learn that the math didn't add up? How long were you crushed? How did you find out there was no chemistry? What did you do to recover?

How effective is tit-for-tat?

Recently two of my friends were in very similar situations where their guys were hanging out at levels they deemed unacceptable. Both of these friends have children and were, of course, at home.

And they both came up with the same solution: Retaliation by reciprocity, They both figured that they would go hang out into to the wee hours of the night while their significant others stayed at home with the kids. Then, their guys could experience the same feelings as them.

As far as I know, neither one of them has gotten the opportunity to put their plan to work.

Part of me takes issue with this because I figure it’s better to just communicate when you are upset rather than “act out”. But then again, there are some people who just won’t listen and need some form of demonstration. But if you are going to opt for action, I believe it should be a last resort after communication attempts have failed.

What do you think of retaliating through reciprocity? Do you consider it effective? Do you think there are better alternatives?

First date questions

First dates can be so awkward sometimes. If you've ever run out of something to say on a date, msn.com suggests asking these five questions:

1. What's your favorite scene from your favorite book or movie?

2. What do you love about your job?

3. What's your definition of a relationship?

4. If money were no object, what would you do with your life?

5. Will you share an embarrassing moment with me?

These questions get at the root of what first date questions should be doing: revealing your date's taste and values without being too personal, according to the article.

I've never really had a certain list of questions I felt I needed to ask a date, aside from the usual career and career goal type questions. But I can see how going into a date with revealing questions could help weed out poor matches a lot quicker.

Do any of you have a question or questions you make sure to always ask your date to gauge your compatibility? What are they? What does your question reveal about the other person?

Protocol for dating a friend's ex

O.K. Dating an ex or someone that a friend has dated has already been acknowledged in this blog as a touchy subject.

Nevertheless, it does happen. And when it happens, it should be handled carefully. I know some people who think that you should ask the friend's permission before going down that road.

I believe that when it comes to dating an ex of a friend, the friend should at least be put on notice that you are pursuing the person. There is nothing worse than finding out from somebody else. Depending on what type of person you are, your friend's reaction may cause you to change course or you will just move on no matter what is said.

How do you believe dating an ex of a friend should be handled? Do you believe you should ask for permission? Do you believe the friend should know before?