My boyfriend discovered yesterday that a cousin somewhere on the family tree is a relationship coach for KMOX 1120 out of St. Louis. Her day job is a certified therapist. We listened to her show online last night, and it was quite fascinating.
One of the callers had this problem: The woman who was calling in was black, and her boyfriend was white. (That in and of itself, was not the problem.) The couple went to the boyfriend's house over Thanksgiving where the girlfriend met the family for the first time. Some of the family members were less than pleased with the interracial relationship and seemed to have no problem throwing around the "N" word. Obviously, this made the woman uncomfortable. She said her boyfriend said something to his brother about it, but the comments didn't seem to cease. She wondered what to do because she didn't want to be in the situation but also didn't want to make her boyfriend choose between her and his family.
Here's what the coach said: You can't change people's opinions, but you can ask them to be respectful. The boyfriend should pull offending family members aside and say just that, asking them to be respectful while in his girlfriend's presence. If this does not do the trick, the boyfriend should visit these members of his family by himself, and the girlfriend can visit with the non-offending members of the family.
What do you think of the coach's advice? What would you advise the girlfriend? Did the boyfriend handle the situation appropriately, or was there something else he could have done?
Have you been in an interracial relationship where your boyfriend's or girlfriend's parents did not like you simply because of your race? How did you deal with it?
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Offensive family members and interracial dating
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9 comments:
That's exactly what I did with my family members when I forst moved to the South to escape the snow in the Great White North. I told family members - as soon as they used the N word - that I was not comfortable with them using that word around me and could they please watch their language. I equated it to the "F" bomb, and they understood. Some still slip up occasionally, but never when I have interracial friends with me.
I think that the coach should have advised the girlfriend to strongly consider the future of the relationship.
If the pair are in the throes of a new relationship, they should really consider the consequences of being in a serious relationship or getting married when the family does not support the union.
Imagine having bi-racial children when the grandparents, aunts and uncles are racist? Even if the family is able to "be respectful" can you imagine knowing that your in-laws disdain your relationship and your children?
I would get out before I developed strong feelings for this person, which would make it harder to make a wise decision. Love can't fix everything, and eventually the tension is going to wear on the relationship and the family.
That's pretty good advice I think.
Why should she have to put up with certain comments and attitude. It wouldn't be fair. And if he cares for her, then he'll show it by letting the disrespectul relatives know that their behavior isn't appreciated.
I am in an interracial relationship and my fiance's mom does not like the fact that I'm black. I have know this since we started dating four years ago and I don't think you should tell someone to consider the future of the relationship. My fiance let his mom know from the beginning that he wanted to be with me and she could accept it or not. He has to be happy with who he chooses to spend his life with, not make his mom happy. As far as the disdain for our relationship and future children, that is her ignorance, not ours. She is only hurting herself because I don't need her to like me, I only need my fiance to love me. She has "come around" and invites me over, but there will always be the thought in the back of my mind whether or not she is sincere. Fortunately, she has never used the N word around me or him nor do I have to see her very often. Plus, my family has invited my fiance in with open arms since the beginning.
I'm glad that it's working for you (last anon) but personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I am constantly uncomfortable around my finance's family. I couldn't bare to have my children around someone who didn't approve of them, but that's just me.
I disagree on "getting out while you still can". Some family members disagree even if you are the of the "same color". Do what makes you happy !
It wouldn't surprise me if the last poster were 12.
doing what "makes you happy" is the type of selfish and immature attitude that leads to the break down of all sorts of relationships.
If my fiance's mother couldn't stand me, I certainly wouldn't want to be a part of that family. Can you imagine how uncomfortable every holiday and family get together would be?
The couple being happy is what's important. You can't please everyone even if you tried...
I agree with "doing what makes you happy". If you love someone enough why end that relationship that you might regret doing so in the future. True love is a treasure and rare!!
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