I've been told a story that when my mom was seriously looking at settling down, all the good men that were her age were either married or divorced. She couldn't date the married men and didn't want to date the divorced men, so she went after younger men. And, at age 27, that's how she met my dad -- a man who's five years younger.
On Tuesday, a fellow blogger asked us to touch on the topic of dating divorcees, some of whom have children. Of course, not everyone is adverse to dating divorcees like my mom was. When she got married it was in a different time when divorce was taboo. With the divorce rate how it is now, it's extremely likely that a large number of singles out there have been divorced -- especially as you get older.
The decision to date a divorcee, though, can be tough, especially for singles who have never married. The divorce automatically brings up the question of the person's commitment to marriage, along with musings of the past relationship and worries about maintaining a connection with the ex, especially if there are children involved. There can be jealousy issues, regarding either an ex or the time spent with children.
This is not to say that divorcees are not worthy of another commitment. If you've found someone you're interested in, you shouldn't write that person off simply because of a past marital status. However, you should know how you will behave around an ex or children, and you need to examine how you really feel about taking on any extra responsibility a second marriage would be.
And if you decide that's just not something you want to deal with, that's OK, too.
Have you/would you ever date a divorcee? Why or why not? If you have dated a divorcee, what issues did you have to deal with? What was the hardest part? Was it easier in any way? Would you do it again? Does being divorced have a stigma? Is it harder to find love as a divorcee?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Dating divorcees
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12 comments:
I'm guessing you've never been married and never dated a divorcee because you made a lot of generalizations.
Every relationship, and reason for being in that relationship is different...and people who divorce are all different. Divorce doesn't "automatically" mean someone has commitment issues or that there is any connection to an ex.
Also, I don't think there is any more or less responsibility in a second marriage...all marriage requires responsibility and respect by both people involved.
I am currently dating a divorcee...and it did worry me a bit at first. But none of the generalizations you mentioned ever came into play. There was no ex and no children, there were no commitment issues and we talk openly and honestly about the reason my SO's marriage failed.
It can be worrisome, but it should never be a reason to overlook someone...
Once you get a certain age, you have to date divorcees because that's all that's available. Contrary to what you think, you actually become hesitant to date someone who, by their mid-30s, has never been married.
I think if you enter into a relationship with a divorcee and DON'T consider that there are commitment issues buried somewhere, than you are absolutely fooling yourself.
Marriage should, and i emphasize that word should, be an unbreakable bond, i dismiss all this equality growth fairness people change b.s. and say quite simply, if you make a promise you keep it. There are different types of love, passion doesn't last forever. You need another type. But i'm getting off track
I just want to say that you covered many of the aspects that a divorcee would encounter. It's unfortunate your readers, especially in the last week, have taken such a hostile tone against a great blog with great writers. That is all
Nov. 16 Anonymous...it's good that you came out to support your friends...and even nicer that you qualified them as "great" writers...
Anyway, to address your (slightly ignorant) point, yes, you have to realize that there was a reason for a divorce, but it's not always commitment issues. Some marriages just don't work out, and when it comes down to it, life is too short to spend it unhappy. People change, people grow apart...are there other reasons for divorce? Absolutely, but they aren't all black and white, and they certainly don't signal problems with the individual person.
What about people who have spouses that cheat on them, so they divorce the cheating moron?? It's not their fault the other person cheated...are they supposed to live their life miserable, because they may be viewed as "commitment-phobic" by small-minded individuals like you??
You're right, it's not their fault that their spouse cheated. But I would bet $100 dollars that they knew the person wasn't "quality" when they married OR he or she didn't put enough time and care into their marriage to make the person want to stay. There is never an excuse to cheat, but it think it is ignorant to put it all one person.
I actually know people who have been cheated on, and they originally thought the person who did the cheating would not do anything like that at all...
I'll take that $100...or actually, maybe you should take it and spend it on a class that helps erase some of your close-minded thinking!
If you live in a quarter million dollar house in Malibu and it gets destroyed via fire earthquake tsunami or other, it is YOUR fault. The big decisions in life you live with, you don't casually trade the time or money in investments like marriage, kids or housing. It disgusts me that our society is comfortable with that. Please don't fight me like you did the other anonymous blogger. I think you should start one of your own. I would wager not only would i NOT read it and give it the 5 million hits you give to this one, and neither would the girls you harrass daily. Next time log in as someone instead of keeping your anonymous viel if you have so much coniviction in your thoughts, I will a well. Otherwise, your points are silly and unproven. You gotta be single, overweight and bitter because that's all i hear sister
You might start out believing you married the greatest person in the world and, sometimes, they are. But people change and not always for the best. A person being abused either mentally or physically has every right to get a divorce and should not be condemned for doing so.
Now, the people with multiple divorces at a young age, you might want to be wary of.
(By the way, not all of us anonymous users are the same the same person.)
Isn't it funny that someone who blasts anonymous posters logs in himself as anonymous? Hmmm...hypocrite!
(And I am not any of the above anonymous posters, although I have posted anonymously on this blog before!)
When did the readers get so mean?
It's been awhile since I visited this blog, but when I left, the readers enjoyed and appreciated that the main point of the blog was to entertain.
As an original member, I can say that these girls never claim to be experts, they are just drawing from their own personal experience to draw some conversations and various viewpoints.
If you don't like it, don't read it. But certainly don't bash them for having fun.
I think the real question is not dating someone who is divorced, but someone who re-marries someone who is divorced. Some people who wish to remain true to their religous/spiritual convictions, their convictions prohibit marrying a divorced woman while their previous spouse is still alive. I would also venture to say the decline of the family unit and thusly, civilization can be attributed to the breakdown of the family unit and imposing stepfathers on children without their consent or input.
I especially think that those who have never been married and are in their 30's or 40's would rather marry someone younger like somebody in their 20's and early 30's who has a clean marital slate than someone who might be like-aged but has more marital and/or parental history than them. The never-married may be overwhelmed at the inequality because the person of higher martial/parental status may wish to govern the realtionship via experience.
I think if some people wanted to be "mothered" they would have stayed at home. Like an old saying states, "Never make anyone a priority that's only made YOU an option!"
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