Dating while inseminating

I almost laughed out loud at my desk this morning when I read the following sentence: "Welcome to the newest dating frontier -- dating while inseminating." Yes, someone actually wrote that.

Turns out, as single women age, more of them now are turning to an artificial route to pregnancy to satisfy that ticking biological clock, according to this article on msn.com. Women who continue to date while doing so face the awkward moment of telling the man they're seeing that they're trying to get knocked up with a stranger -- a medically approved stranger, of course. One such woman noted the irony of using a condom with her date, only to go to the doctor's office to be inseminated with sperm the next day.

Men react to this news in a variety of ways from being cool with it to running away in fear. From the woman's point of view, she doesn't want to run out of time to bear children, and she wants to be able to enjoy them while she's still young. From the man's point of view, this sort of takes away his chances of being a biological father for a child.

Women: Have any of you considered artificial insemination or already been artificially inseminated? Would you/did you date while you were having it done? How did you approach the subject with your dates? What were their responses?

Men: How would you react if a woman told you she was trying to artificially inseminate? Would that be a deal breaker? Why or why not?

Holiday break-ups

There is never a good time to break up a relationship. But it's even more tricky around birthdays and the holidays. And here we are, smack dab in the middle of the holiday season.

I have been faced with this dilemma twice. The first time, I waited until after the holidays to break up. I'm not sure exactly why. We were spending the holidays apart, so it wasn't hard to sweep the issue under the rug. When we returned from our respective homes, I realized how unhappy I was and called it off.

The second time, I called it quits mid-December. This decision was made partly in part because I was supposed to fly north to meet his parents around Christmas. I felt like doing that would be too insincere since I really wanted to break up with their son, so I called it off before the trip. Neither of these decisions were easy.

What do you think is the best way to handle a break-up around the holidays? Should you do it before or after holidays, birthdays and big events?

Have you been in this situation before, either as the one doing the breaking up or the one being broken up with? How do you think that situation was handled? Would you do it differently?

Offensive family members and interracial dating

My boyfriend discovered yesterday that a cousin somewhere on the family tree is a relationship coach for KMOX 1120 out of St. Louis. Her day job is a certified therapist. We listened to her show online last night, and it was quite fascinating.

One of the callers had this problem: The woman who was calling in was black, and her boyfriend was white. (That in and of itself, was not the problem.) The couple went to the boyfriend's house over Thanksgiving where the girlfriend met the family for the first time. Some of the family members were less than pleased with the interracial relationship and seemed to have no problem throwing around the "N" word. Obviously, this made the woman uncomfortable. She said her boyfriend said something to his brother about it, but the comments didn't seem to cease. She wondered what to do because she didn't want to be in the situation but also didn't want to make her boyfriend choose between her and his family.

Here's what the coach said: You can't change people's opinions, but you can ask them to be respectful. The boyfriend should pull offending family members aside and say just that, asking them to be respectful while in his girlfriend's presence. If this does not do the trick, the boyfriend should visit these members of his family by himself, and the girlfriend can visit with the non-offending members of the family.

What do you think of the coach's advice? What would you advise the girlfriend? Did the boyfriend handle the situation appropriately, or was there something else he could have done?

Have you been in an interracial relationship where your boyfriend's or girlfriend's parents did not like you simply because of your race? How did you deal with it?

Celebrity marriage, divorce

When it comes to love, I'm glad I'm not a celebrity.

While it seems that celebrities have all the fun when it comes to dating (come on, who wouldn't want to date Colin Farrell?), they certainly seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to marriage.

This proved to be more true than ever when the story broke that Hulk Hogan's wife had filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. (Not to mentioned it must have sucked for the Hulk to find out about the divorce from a reporter. In the words of Telegraph reporter Travis Fain: whammy.)

It's not very often that you hear about a successful celebrity marriage. Many of the more high-profile marriages are relatively new and haven't had sufficient time to fail. I imagine that being in the spotlight puts a significant strain on a marriage. It must be stressful to have every one of your actions scrutinized by the public eye.

Of course, in the case of the Hulk, the family chose to be on a reality show, and I wonder if that very decision led to the downfall of their marriage. It's probably safe to say if it weren't for their reality show, the couple probably would have lived a quiet(er) life out of the spotlight.

Why do you think celebrity marriages seem to so often fail? Have you ever been in a marriage in which you felt unnecessary attention to the relationship caused a strain?

With first impressions, looks count

Everyone says that it's what's inside that counts. For those who aren't so blessed in the looks department, we say, "But he's so smart!" or "She's got a great personality!"

But, let's be frank. Dating is all about first impressions, and most first impressions are based on people's physical qualities, no matter how smart or funny one may be. Most people do not approach another person because they heard a great joke from across the room but rather because they caught the eye of someone they find attractive.

I'm sure many people can relate. Within almost every group of friends there's "the hot one," who gets more dates and attention than all the others, even if his/her personality is not so great. Not that you would be friends with people without great personalities ;)

Before you call me shallow, this is not to say that being smart and having a great personality is not at all important. These attributes are probably some of the most important, but usually only are discovered after you've started dating someone. I'm talking about meeting someone before you even get to this point.

Also keep in mind that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, and what is beautiful to one person may be plain to another. Just think of any celebrity the masses are gaga over but you're not. (Angelina Jolie, anyone?)

Given that dating is about these physical first impressions, do you feel that your appearance has hindered your dating experience? Do you feel that you would have more success dating if people got to know you as a person beyond the exterior? Have you tried to minimize the impact of appearance by online dating or some other mechanism?

How important is a potential date's physical appearance? Have you ever gone out with someone you did not initially find attractive but then later developed feelings for because of other qualities? Do you approach non-attractive people for dates?

If only you knew ...

Sometimes when dating, it helps to possess certain knowledge about the individual you are going out with.

For instance, the man who makes the perfect dinner doesn't want to find out after the baby-back ribs are on that table that his date is a vegetarian. And the woman who wore her new perfume doesn't want to send her date to the hospital when he's allergic to it.

So today the topic is short and sweet: What is one thing you wish your date knew before going out with you? Or, on the flip side, what is one thing you wish you knew before going out with a certain someone?

So where do we feast?

First, let me say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Now on to the blog topic.

When Thanksgiving rolls around, some couples have to make a difficult decision. They must decide whose family to eat with.

Most of us, when we're in a relationship, want to spend the holidays with our significant other. But it can be a daunting task to figure out how.

For couples who live in the same city, making this decision can be a little bit easier. Each person can spend a little time with both families and everyone will be happy.

However, if you're in a long-distance relationship or either party's family lives out of town, it can become a little more difficult. It becomes a choice of one or the other, or possibly neither and spending the holidays without your honey.

And let's not even go into the repercussions such a decision can bring. If you choose your family and your significant other can't go, they could be mad. If you choose your significant other's family, your family could be a little peeved. Then, there's my favorite option: having dinner with just the two of you and possibly upsetting both families. But you will be with your significant other.

How do you make the decision over where to eat for the holidays when you're part of a couple? What was the reaction from those around you?

Danger in online dating?

The New Jersey legislature is considering enacting a law that would supposedly make online dating sites safer. The law, if passed, would require online dating sites to notify New Jersey residents if they conduct background checks.

On the plus side, it could screen out criminals. On the minus side, people can (and d0 -- especially if they're criminals) use fake names. On this one, I think I agree with a Yahoo! spokesman who said all this would do is provide a false sense of security. It definitely has the potential of making people less likely to follow safety guidelines if they think a person is clean.

I wonder, too, if there are any statistics available for how many people have had bad things happen to them as a result of online dating. I'd also like to see how this compares to traditional dating. I'm skeptical that online dating really has a larger risk than just meeting some random guy in a bar.

Bottom line: if you're into online dating, take the proper precautions. Meet in a public place, let someone know where you're going and when you'll be home and follow those gut feelings. Of course, those rules should apply to anyone who's dating, not just online daters.

What do you think about dating Web sites conducting criminal background checks? Do you think that online dating is not as safe as traditional dating? Why or why not?

Putting it all out there...on the Internet

Recently I was checking my friends' status updates on a social networking site. As I read through them, one stuck out way more than the rest.

One of my female friends listed, to paraphrase in the nicest way possible, her ex-beau's whole name, what his flaws were and how he could take a trip somewhere very hot.

I am all for expressing yourself and I know that venting in an old-fashioned journal or online blog can be very self-cleansing.

However, I couldn't help but wonder if this little status update was really right.

When you put something out that for the whole world to see, it shows that you are bitter. It also shows that you are concentrating on something that, by your own admission, was not worthwhile.

And let's not forget the object of your lack of affection finding it. They get the ego boost or the annoyance that you are still focusing on them when they may have moved on.

Basically, though tempting, there are very few ways, if any, putting something like that on the Internet makes you look any better. It may make you feel better for a little while, but that's about it.

Do you think it's right to put out dirty laundry about your relationship on a social networking site? Have you ever done it and what prompted you to do it? Was there any reaction to what you said?

Married but still miles apart

We've talked before about married couples who choose to sleep in different bedrooms. But what about those who choose to live thousands of miles away from each other?

About 3.6 million married Americans do just that in a trend dubbed "commuter marriages," according to TIME. Take, for instance, the wife who lives in San Francisco and her husband who lives in Denmark. Or the husband who lives in Los Angeles and his wife who lives in New York. They're making out just fine, and, according to TIME, commuter marriages are no more likely to fail than marriages between people who live together.

Commuter marriages often work because it allows both members of the couple to work where they want to. New technologies make it easier to keep in touch. Commuter marriages also may idealize the marriage, especially when you don't see your partner drooling on his pillow every night. In fact, the toughest part of a commuter marriage is adjusting to actually living together when that does happen, according to the article.

A commuter marriage sounds awfully tough to me, but I guess if you're up for it, research and anecdotal evidence show it can work.

Have you ever been in a commuter marriage? How did it work? Would you ever consider being a commuter marriage? Why or why not? Do you think a marriage will suffer if a husband and wife don't live together, at least in the same state?

Yours, mine or ours?

Making the decision to move in with a significant other is already a major deal.

However, the decision of whose place to choose can cause its own set of problems.

A lot of times factors such as costs, size and proximity come into the equation. A couple usually tries to pick the place that is most accommodating for both parties.

However, when moving in as a significant other, you make the transition from permanent guest to permanent fixture. This could mean changes in decor, schedules, grocery shopping habits and the like.

And I've even heard some people who, once their boyfriend/girlfriend has moved in, still manage to use the word "my" on a regular basis. (Ex: "my apartment", "my house", "my bathroom"). They've even gone so far as to tell them to get out in the middle of an heated argument.

That's a lot of changes and a lot of defiance to possibly go through.

I'm a proponent of temporarily living in one person's apartment until the lease is up and selecting an apartment together. This could even be done straight out the gate. This way you will be able to create a home that belongs to the both of you from the start.

For those that decided to share a place with their mate, how was the decision made? How did the transition work for you?

Dating divorcees

I've been told a story that when my mom was seriously looking at settling down, all the good men that were her age were either married or divorced. She couldn't date the married men and didn't want to date the divorced men, so she went after younger men. And, at age 27, that's how she met my dad -- a man who's five years younger.

On Tuesday, a fellow blogger asked us to touch on the topic of dating divorcees, some of whom have children. Of course, not everyone is adverse to dating divorcees like my mom was. When she got married it was in a different time when divorce was taboo. With the divorce rate how it is now, it's extremely likely that a large number of singles out there have been divorced -- especially as you get older.

The decision to date a divorcee, though, can be tough, especially for singles who have never married. The divorce automatically brings up the question of the person's commitment to marriage, along with musings of the past relationship and worries about maintaining a connection with the ex, especially if there are children involved. There can be jealousy issues, regarding either an ex or the time spent with children.

This is not to say that divorcees are not worthy of another commitment. If you've found someone you're interested in, you shouldn't write that person off simply because of a past marital status. However, you should know how you will behave around an ex or children, and you need to examine how you really feel about taking on any extra responsibility a second marriage would be.

And if you decide that's just not something you want to deal with, that's OK, too.

Have you/would you ever date a divorcee? Why or why not? If you have dated a divorcee, what issues did you have to deal with? What was the hardest part? Was it easier in any way? Would you do it again? Does being divorced have a stigma? Is it harder to find love as a divorcee?

Who runs this house again?

Living in a military town has certainly opened my eyes to the strain that can be placed on a relationship when a loved one is in the service.

That strain increases during a deployment and can even become worse after a long deployment.

While some of the people speak of being excited that their person is home, they also talk about what a transition it can be for the family.

In households where the military partner handled many of the household functions prior to deployment, a shift occurs. For a period of anywhere from six months to years, one partner has gotten use to controlling the finances, maintenance and every other aspect of the household.

When the military partner returns, some significant others are ready to relinquish all the duties they assumed in their absence. Others may like the way things operated while the significant other was away and may choose to maintain that way of living.

For the military partner who may have assumed that everything would return to normal, this can come as a surprise.

Are there any military wives or husbands out there who have dealt with this? How did you deal with it?

Give and take

Sometimes in a relationship, you do things that aren't particularly exciting to you simply because your partner wants to. Sometimes the company of the other person overrides any potential unpleasantness you might experience.

This week is one of those weeks for my boyfriend and me. Tonight, I know will not be my BF's cup of tea. We're going to see Disney on Ice: Princess Classics at the Macon Coliseum (we got free tickets, OK?), which I probably will get a kick out of , and he probably will groan through. Not to mention we'll probably be the only people in the audience without children.

But on Wednesday, it will be my turn to acquiesce when we go to Atlanta to see Tori Amos at The Fox (again, free tickets ... we got really lucky this week). I don't exactly listen to her music, but I know I'll have a great time just hanging out with the BF. Plus, it's at The Fox. Almost anything is good as long as its at The Fox.

For me, it's not about what you're doing, but who you're doing it with.

Have you ever done something you weren't interested in because it interested your partner? What are some of the things you've done? What are some things your partner has done for you? Why do you do these things? Do you think it's important to have this give and take in a relationship? Or do you feel that some interests are better kept separate?

Not having enough sex?

We all can recall the days of watching the sitcoms where the husbands complained of only having sex with their wives on holidays or on special occasions. Or better yet, some of us even have male friends who speak of how their sex life was better with their significant other in the beginniing of the relationship, before they got married or before she had a baby.

Understandably, some ladies are just tired. Working day in and day out takes its toll when you also have to be the manager of your own home.

According to some experts, not having enough sex can cost women more than they realize. The linked article shows how devastating it can be to your wallet to not have sex for three months. A lot of money goes towards painkillers and movies as well as spa treatments and therapy.

Now, some of the figures, I'm a little wary of. (Who pays almost $300 for a vibrator?) And I feel even if you have an active sex life, sometimes it feels good to be pampered and talk it out on someone's couch.

But there is something to be said for the uplift in mood that comes after having sex, particularly when done safely in a monogamous, fulfilling relationship. It's exercise and relaxation all rolled into one.

Do you feel that you are having enough sex? If so, why not? Do you agree with the article's statement of costs related to not having sex?

He moved on, she didn't

One of the hardest blows to a person's ego is finding out that a former lover who you are still trying to get over — or who you thought you got over — has actually moved on before you.

And it's one thing if you had only been dating a few months. It's a completely different thing if you had dated for years. The other night I read online (I don't remember where, or else I'd link it), about a woman who learned her ex was engaged to another woman, just months after they had broken up. And she and her ex had dated for five years!

The woman had all the obvious feelings: jealousy, betrayal, disappointment, sadness. A situation like this automatically makes you question yourself about what's wrong with you. You wonder why — after so many years — your partner didn't propose to you but rather someone he barely knows (comparatively speaking).

These feelings are normal, but in such instances it's important to keep in mind that what one person does post-break up, has nothing to do with the other. Even just months apart can change a person, and two people can be drastically different than when they dated.

Have you ever been in a situation where your ex moved on or got married before you did? Did it bother you? If so, how did you deal with it?

I'm not your alibi

Here's the scenario: Your close male friend who is dating a mutual friend calls you up and says "If she asks where I was at Saturday night, tell her I was with you."

Now, of course, your male friend is doing something he is not supposed to be doing. By making this request, he's putting you in the position to be right in the middle of it.

You have a few options. You could tell him to go shove it and leave you out of it. You could tell him to come clean with the mutual friend. You could also tell on him.

When situations include more than one friend, it tends to become messy. If you tell, the mutual friend may still wonder how long you knew the guy was a jerk. You may lose her trust. Backwards, I know, but we all know how logic can change when emotions are involved. If you try to convince him to tell or threaten to tell, he's going to be upset with you. Or worse yet, he may pull one of those "well Raven told me I should tell you" again showing you possessed knowledge before she did.

My usual thought process is to stay out of it. If the mutual friend calls you that night, make sure you're screening your calls and don't answer it.

So how do you believe you should handle the situation? Should you serve as the friend's alibi? Should you tell the mutual friend? Should you stay out of it completely?

'We were on a break!'

In perhaps one of the more memorable Friends episodes, Ross and Rachel argue about whether it was acceptable for Ross to sleep with someone else while he and Rachel were "on a break."

In Rachel's eyes, the break did not signify a permanent decision, nor one that allowed the pair to sleep with other people. It was just some time off from each other. In Ross's eyes, a break was just that -- a separation from the current relationship.

Before taking such a break, couples should discuss the terms of the break that they expect each other to adhere to. From the above example, it is obvious that people have different ideas about what actions are allowed in a break and what aren't. For example, can you date other people? Can you kiss other people? Can you sleep with other people? These should be questions asked before a break goes into effect.

Personally, I think that if you need a break, you might as well break up for good. However, I know it is possible for some couples to take breaks and come back and have successful relationships.

What defines a "break" for you? Have you ever taken a break from a relationship? What were the terms? Did you end up staying with the person you took a break from?

Could it be as easy as breaking the rules?

Every woman knows the rules about dating when to call, what to say, how long to hold out, etc. The basis is manipulate, bait and then capture.

Yet, some women follow this rules to the letter and they're still single.

This article breaks down how the rules may be the wrong way to get a man.

In the article, the author points out that the basic form of dating most people engage in is like a game of the predator and the prey with the roles continuously switching.

Instead of engaging in this tiresome activity, the author encourages women to stop thinking about relationships and focus on themselves.

Her basic three steps to find a soul mate are gain self-awareness, self-worth and self-engaging.

What do you think of using this dating tactics? Have you used this tactics or similar tactics with success?

Proposal pressure

One of my best friends got engaged over the weekend (congrats Linds and Spencer!), and it got me thinking about all the pressure men face to make the perfect proposal.

First of all, the man is the one expected to make the proposal. Even though we're in an age when women frequently ask men out and pay for dates, it's still taboo for women to pop the question. Even if we've discussed it with our SO, we still want to be asked.

And once he's about to pop that question, we want to experience that "special moment." Now that special moment may differ from woman to woman, but I think I can safely say few women want their men to nonchalantly ask those four words while watching TV and scratching themselves.

The pressure that has mounted on wedding proposals, I think, has only been intensified by the increasing importance put on other events such as prom. Nowadays, an invitation to prom could consist of a scavenger hunt and dozens of red roses. A woman who received that treatment as a teen is only going to expect more as an adult.

I could go on a slippery slope here and say giving extravagant proposals means spending more money which means more couples start out their married lives in debt, but I won't go there.

Why do you think it's still the man's job to ask a woman to marry him? Why do you think proposals are getting so extravagant? Men: Do you feel pressure to perform the perfect proposal? Women: Would you be disappointed if a man's proposal did not live up to your expectations?

Why get married?

To quote a recent statement by one of my friends: Marriage was a sacred institution.

Ok, maybe that was a little extreme, but I've been reading more columns and hearing more people question the need for marriage in a relationship.

Some have said it has no purpose, especially for those who are not highly religious. Marriage is a fundamental part of most religions and therefore, creates no need for people who are not religious to engage in it. Or so the argument goes.

Others note that marriage comes with financial and insurance breaks, but even some insurance companies are acknowledging "domestic partnerships".

And then there's the whole children argument, but there are single women opting to adopt and checking out their local sperm banks. And as we have seen on this blog, finding an eligible member of the opposite sex that you're willing to have a child with is not as easy as it seems.

And then let's not forget how many people out there have lost hope in fidelity. If you listen to some people, everybody cheats. No one can be with anybody for a long time without cheating. So, to them, the second the vows are made, the partners have already told their first lie.

I honestly believe that at the very least marriage is a long-standing (read forever) social contract between you and your partner where you commit to loving and caring for only each other through good times and bad. And, unlike dating, the community acknowledges and in most cases, celebrates it with you.

So today's question is simple. Why should people get married?

Ditching bad dates

Sometimes you need to get out of a bad date fast.

Sure, you could ask your friend to call you at a specific time to check up on you, but if he forgets, you'll be stuck with Mr. Boring or Ms. Stuck up for the entirety of the date.

Instead of wallowing, you could plan ahead.

That's part of the pitch for PopularityDialer.com, which will call your cell phone at a time you designate. (The other part of the pitch is that taking lots of (fake) phone calls will make you popular. I think that just makes you lame.) The automated voice will prompt you to carry on a conversation, and then, if you so choose, you have an instant out. Calls you can choose to receive include: a male voice, a female voice, a call from "your boss" or a call from a cousin in need.

Many daters have back-up plans, albeit probably not this outrageous, in the event a date sours. Some daters suddenly "feel sick" or fake a phone call that informs of a family emergency.

I tend to just suffer through bad dates because I'm afraid of hurting the guy's feelings. But many people have other ways.

Have you ever ditched a bad date? What was your excuse? Did you feel bad about it?