Couples therapy

While watching one of my favorite romantic comedies the other night, "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days", the subject of couples therapy came up in a scene where the lead male character was trying to salvage the mess created by the female lead character.

As the title implies, they had only been dating a week, so the realistic side of me was thinking it was a little too soon to be dropping dough to solve problems in a barely there relationship.

But I couldn't help but wonder how deep do you have to be in a relationship to think going to a counselor would be a valuable investment.

I've never done it, nor do I know anyone who has gone through couples counseling, but I think the concept is great. You're confronting your issues with the person you have the problems with and there is an objective third party present.

Have you or someone you've known participated in couples therapy? How was the experience and what came from it? Would you suggest couples therapy to other couples?

'You're too picky!'

After being out of a relationship for awhile, many singles start to hear the phrase, "You're too picky!" tossed around. Maybe you've even said it to somebody or been told it yourself.

But what is "too picky"?

Some people know to a tee what qualities they look for in a significant other. These can be as specific as: blonde hair, blue eyes, has a six-figure bank account, wants two children (a boy and a girl) and ALWAYS does the dishes.

When you get as specific as this, it can be hard to compromise. Someone who fits into every category but one may get the boot, and, to me, this is indeed "too picky." Maybe it's OK if your dream boat has brown hair and fits the other characteristics. Maybe it's OK if the person makes fewer than six-figures but would make a great parent to your two kids.

I'm not talking about settling. That implies you are getting less than you deserve. I'm talking about deciding what qualities are most important to you (ie, deal breakers if the other person doesn't meet them) and then letting the other things fall off the list. You keep more options open that way.

What do you think makes someone too picky? Have you ever been accused or accused someone else of being too picky? Do you think you're too picky? Do you see being picky as a good or bad thing?

Could you at least ask me?

Recently, a friend of mine received a diamond ring from her boyfriend of more than five years. However, you will not find her calling it an engagement ring.

The reason for this is when he gave her the ring, he said "I know you would just say yes so I don't have to go through all of that." In his mind, no proposal is needed.

I can understand where the expectation that she would say yes is coming from. I mean when you're living with someone and been together for five years, most people would say that's the next logical step.

They've been through years of ups and down and have stuck by each other's sides the entire time. A lot of engaged and married couples can't say they've been through half the things this couple has been through.

Enduring all of that shows even further why he should do it properly. So after all this time and work, I think it is fitting that the guy takes the time to get down on one knee and ask the question. He doesn't even have to get down on one knee, but he should at least ask.

I know that as a relationship gets older, a lot of people say the romance grows stale. But if you're going to propose, I think you should do it right.

What do you think? Is it acceptable for a guy not to ask for your hand in a marriage when in a long-term or live-in relationship?

Just like Mom and Dad

It has been said that people often have relationships like that of their parents.

For example, if your parents were respectful to each other and compromised, you're more likely to model that in your relationships. Conversely, if your parents solved arguments by yelling at each other, you're likely to pick that up as well.

Basically, we learn to model our relationships after our parents' because they're the only ones we know.

I wonder then, if from this, we can accurately predict how a significant other may behave in the future based on how his or her parents behave. If his parents are divorced, does that mean he is more likely to divorce in the future? If her parents stayed together for the kids, does that mean she'll want to keep an unhappy relationship alive even when it would be better off dead?

Do you think you can accurately predict your SO's behavior based on his or her parents? Do you see yourself modeling your own parents' relationship?

Realizations made post-Oscars about relationships

I'll admit it. I do not watch the Oscars. I watch the pre-show to see what people wore and who people brought. I'll watch the post-show to see who won, who lost and who bored everyone with their acceptance speeches.

One thing I noticed is how the event is always a big partner swap. Throughout the pre-show coverage, it is not uncommon to make the statement "I thought he/she was with......" I always seem to ask that question about George Clooney.

And it's always such a cordial affair. Either the old flames just say hi, actually greet each other like they care or avoid each other. In the real world, I'm almost certain there would be a lot more tension. But then we are talking about a place where the suggestion of not dating someone you work with falls on deaf ears repeatedly. With some people in Hollywood, it seems like whoever their co-star is in their latest project, that's their co-star in real life.

Also, if you forget to mention your husband in the acceptance speech or it takes you a moment to think to mention him, there's a problem. Just ask Chad Lowe (former husband of Hilary Swank) and Eric Benet (former husband of Halle Berry).

Another thing I love to see year after year is how often people are referred to as the significant other of their more famous half. It takes you back to the days when women referred to themselves as "I'm Mrs. John Doe." However, at least there's gender equality in Hollywood with that one. Just ask the former Mr. Halle Berry and Mr. Hilary Swank.

Am I the only one who notices these things? Are there some things you think I left out?

Dating gripes

Everyone's got a gripe about dating. Now it's your time to share it.

I'll go first:

• I hate waiting by the phone for a guy to call. As much as I try to distract myself, when I'm really interested, it's all I can seem to think about.

• I hate not knowing automatically whether another person is worth my time. It would be great if there was some kind of timer that would let you know how long a person's interest in you will last.

• I hate looking for dates. Advice columnists say going out in groups is intimidating, but it's so awkward going out by myself.

• I really, really hate pushy guys who think you owe them something — as in sex — because they bought you a few drinks or dinner.

Now it's your turn. What's the absolute worst thing about dating?

Is it really that hard out there? No, seriously.

Since I've come on to this blog, many of our readers, particularly older female readers, have pointed out the difficulties in finding a mate.

However, times can never be difficult enough for a woman to have to resort to this.

Now I have seen enough of those crime analysis shows to know such a woman can suffer from various psychological and health issues. I'm sure I could even find a very small percentage of people who would say a 36-year-old woman could have truly found love with a 15-year-old.

Mind you, I don't know the surrounding circumstances, but I can't help but think that sometimes women get involved in such situations because they start getting desperate and are more open to guys that are more accessible to them. And we all know accessibility and quality are not synonymous.

I've seen women get close to the age of the teacher and date unemployed men who use them for money, throw themselves after married men because they want attention or even start saying they have a boyfriend in a pen pal from prison (yes, I've actually met someone who did that). Why would a women choose to do this? Because she knows these men through one avenue or another. Standards go out the window and it just becomes ever so important to have a mate.

And the scary part is so many women I know or have heard about have been through similar situations.

I don't believe any woman sits around planning to become desperate for a mate. It's something that derives from loneliness and a fear of an eternal state of being alone.

Having said that, do you think that nearing middle age and being single automatically lead to one going down a road of desperation? Why or why not? Are there ways of staving off such a feeling?

Do you believe in fate?

One of the greatest romantic movies has got to be Serendipity, a story about a couple that meets and falls in love but separates, leaving their reunion up to fate. Basically, the idea is that if they're meant to be together, it will happen, whether they intervene or not.

But the fact of the matter is that after awhile, they start searching for each other, and it's the result of that action that draws them together again. So the question becomes whether fate pulled them both to start looking, or if they acted on their own free will, throwing fate out the window.

Sorry for getting cheesy on you, but I like to think that it's fate that led my boyfriend and I to one another. You see, we both used to live in Aurora, Colo., but just never met until moving to Macon, Ga. A little eerie, right?

Do you believe in fate? How much of a role do you think fate plays in your love life? If you see someone multiple times in several places, or a person unexpectedly keeps showing up in your life, is that a sign that maybe you were meant to be?

Bad relationships=terrible addiction

It's no secret that oftentimes people become attracted or addicted to things that are not good for them. Chocolate, alcohol and cigarettes are just a few things that come to mind.

But some people just seem to always find themselves in disastrous relationships. And for these people, they continually seek these forms of bad connections.

For instance, some people always wind up in relationships where they are enablers. Whether their significant others are suffering from some actual form of illness or just have a lot of bad habits, they feel that one day it will get better and they will stick by their side. More than likely, it never gets better and the results are often disappointing.

Another example is people who always choose abusive types. Whether emotionally or physically, they always go for people who seek an excessive amount of control. While I don't think anyone says "I want someone who will hurt me", some people, for whatever reason, never learn to pick up on the signs that someone may be abusive.

I'm sure many of us can think of so many other examples whether it's us or our friends or family members. Whatever type it is, the addiction often leads to disappointment and possibly even lower self-esteem.

Do you or someone you know suffer from this terrible addiction? Was there ever any recovery? If so, how did recovery take place?

How would you describe your love?

First off, I apologize for such a tardy post today. I spent most of the day driving around Crawford County surveying storm damage and talking to people whose homes were destroyed in the tornado Sunday night.

One of the women I talked to was not in one of the homes hit by the tornado, but her boyfriend was. She said she stayed on the phone with him the whole time, and it was almost as scary as being there.

When a loved one is in such imminent danger, it can be hard to think straight. Sometimes you just want to go out and find the other person, just to make sure they are safe. It is during these times, too, that we say all the things we've always meant to say but never could.

Take for instance the crash of United 93, one of the planes involved in the 9/11 attacks. We're told that some of the passengers' last calls were to their loved ones, just to tell them how much they love them and say good bye.

If you knew you only had one chance left to tell someone how much you love them, how would you do it? What would you say?

Valentine's Day: a display of love or a display for others?

I had an interesting post-Valentine's Day conversation with a friend of mine.

See, she's been married for awhile now and as of Wednesday, she was touting how Valentine's Day was no big deal and how her husband spoils her every day.They just don't do Valentine's Day.

However, then we get to Thursday night and she has seen no card nor truffle from her husband. Of course, I am inclined to repeat what she said Wednesday. Then she goes off about how all the women at her job were receiving flowers and candy at their desk. She, however, received nothing.

Valentine's Day is a romantic occasion that puts people on the spot. I can't think of any woman that happily says "nothing" when asked "What did she get for Valentine's Day?" Even if she knows deep down inside your boyfriend or husband loves her to death, she wants to produce evidence showing such. If she can't, it's not a good feeling.

The big difference between Valentine's Day and every other day is it puts everybody on the spot. So while you may say you received "nothing", your cubicle partner may have received a dozen red, long-stemmed roses.

Do you think it is possible for a woman in a relationship to not care about receiving a Valentine's Day gift? Are there any women out there who thought they were fine without a Valentine's Day gift until they went into work or school?

Cheating with no repercussions

I am a complete reality show junkie, which means I get sucked in even to the bad ones.

Last night I watched about 15 minutes of the show "The Moment of Truth." In the show, a contestant is asked various questions, and a lie detector determines whether the answers are true or false. The more questions answered truthfully, the more money you win. The caveat: the contestant is asked a series of potentially hurtful questions in front of his family and friends.

Last night, one of the questions asked was this: Would you cheat on your wife if you knew you wouldn't get caught?

While the contestant contemplates his answer, the camera cuts to his nervous-looking wife on the sidelines. Luckily for her, he says, "No," and the lie detector confirms his answer. But I think it's safe to say that many people would jump at a chance at cheating if they knew there was no way to get caught.

Now, there's no lie detector here, but today I pose that same question to you: Would you cheat on your significant other if you knew you wouldn't get caught?

And here's a special Valentine's Day message for you!

Single and loving it on Valentine's Day

So, we're back here again. It is the eve of the much-anticipated or much dreaded Valentine's Day, 2008 Edition.

For us single people, we have been inundated with jewelry commercials, fragrance promotions and excessive images of pink and red that have no relevance to our daily lives.

You can either look at all this and think the grass is greener on the other side or choose to look on the bright side and decide to enjoy the day.

I've found a few lists that show you just how to do that: List 1, List 2, and List 3.

As you can see from the lists, many outlets are willing to offer their advice on "surviving" Valentine's Day. I feel as though if you are willing to recognize it as a holiday, do something enjoyable and beneficial for the person you are supposed to love most: yourself.

Here's a few things I would like to add to their lists:
1) Try a new dessert at lunch. At dinnertime, every restaurant in town will be filled with couples. However, during the lunchtime, you can sit there and peruse the menu for that dessert that you've been wanting to try for months. So why not do it that day. And the best part (for those who may be suffering from relationship envy) is you won't be surrounded by couples.

2) Get an HIV test. I know it's not the most enjoyable thing to do, but it is very beneficial if you are sexually active. The Rainbow Center provides free testing between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m. Monday through Friday. You will come away with knowledge of your sexual health status.

3) Sometimes I think single people forget there can be a positive side to being single. Therefore, Valentine's Day may just be the right day to sit down and make a list for safekeeping. For instance, something I love is being able to travel at a moment's notice without having to contact anyone or consider someone else.

Valentine's Day: A 'girls only' holiday?

Yesterday I was talking with a co-worker who said she had an interesting conversation with a female high school student.

Apparently, the young lady said she did not plan on getting her boyfriend anything for Valentine's Day because it was a holiday for girls, and the guys were the ones who should be doing all the work. My co-worker said she was shocked to hear this and wondered if this was how women think nowadays.

Granted, we are talking about a high school student who is probably a little immature. But I would venture to say that her attitude is shared by many women of all ages.

Think about it: All of the commercials for Valentine's Day gifts are directed toward what women would enjoy -- jewelry, chocolates, flowers. When was the last time you saw a commercial declaring how a woman can celebrate Valentine's Day by giving her man a power tool? Not ever, as best as I can recall.

Valentine's Day should be a two-way street, but it's often not. Maybe it's because most women expect to get a gift for Valentine's Day, and most men expect nothing at all.

You tell me: Is Valentine's Day a holiday that's more for women than for men? When you're in a relationship, how do you usually celebrate Valentine's Day? Do you expect a gift for Valentine's Day?

When you comment, let us know whether you're a man or a woman, so we can see how (and if) men and women's opinions differ. Thanks!

Could hooking up be unhealthy for women?

If you ask some people, the whole notion of actually "dating" is dead. They will say that people are all about hooking up these days.

But Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp spent a whole year determining how the "hooking up" culture can leave women feeling especially "unhooked."

Unhooked, as Stepp deems it, is a sense of denial that women go through after a hook-up. Though a woman may say she's fine with just getting physical gratification, the actual truth is she may want more. And that weighs on her intensely.

The burden could lead to emotional turmoil, depression, alcohol dependence and eating disorders or at least that's what the article says. But not only that, women, who often are thought as the ones wanting love the most, are slowly but surely developing habits making them almost incapable of experiencing love. Through hooking up, they are gaining a lack of trust while not using communication skills vital to healthy relationships.

Now, you would think with "Sex and the City," "Lipstick Jungle" and whatever other show that depicts that women are just as bold and brash as men when it comes to casual sex that Stepp is being completely contradictory of what pop culture, some surveys and out surroundings is feeding us. But hey, who do you trust more HBO, MTV and Cosmopolitan or a news reporter?

But that is not the real question here. The real question I pose is what do you think of Stepp's stance on hooking up being unhealthy? Do you and your friends engage in the "hooking up" culture? If so, have you or your friends ever become "unhooked"?

Addicted to love

Robert Palmer might have been on to something when he penned his song, "Addicted to Love."

Some people believe in what is a called a "love addiction" or "relationship addiction." This is when a person is excessively attached to another person. From there, the waters muddy a bit, and different experts say different things about the reasons and characteristics of a love addiction. Either way, most seem to agree that a love addiction is as real and as serious as any other addiction.

One therapist describes two different types of love addicts. The first type is someone who is addicted to the idea of being in any relationship at all, regardless of the partner, and the second is a person who has an addiction to a particular partner.

These people are not just infatuated with another person. They believe that they cannot live without the other person.

Another therapist lists these characteristics of love addiction:

• Consuming, all-pervasive need for the other person.
• Difficulty defining ego boundaries.
• Partners that exhibit sadomasochism.
• Each person being afraid to let themselves go and take risks either as individuals or as a part of the couple.
• Resisting and being fearful when a partner tries to grow personally.

As with most addictions, this one comes from some underlying problem, like a lack of nurturing or attention from parents when young. Also like other addictions, with proper treatment, it can be cured.

What do you think about a love addiction? Do you think it's real or a bunch of mumbo jumbo?

Is there ever a right time to announce you've broken up?

I've been there. Most of my friends have been there.

You've been in a relationship for awhile and you and your partner decide that it's just not working. So now, you're technically single, but depending on many factors, you may not be ready to move on.

I've actually been known to let a couple of weeks go by before I let people know I've been through a break-up. I honestly need some alone time where I can meditate on what happened and figure out where I'm at.

However, I know some women (and men) who, the second they are out of a relationship, are either on the phone crying to their friends or out partying like it don't stop.

In this world of MySpace and Facebook, the announcement is even less subtle. How many of us don't notice the updates that say "is no longer listed in a relationship." It may give a suitor who has been wanting you indication that they have a chance.

And let's not forget that slim chance that you and the person you were dating may decide that maybe it wasn't so wrong after all. So now, you have to explain to everyone that you're back together and if you break up again, friends will look at you sideways.

So is there ever a right time to let people know you've broken up with somebody? When is it? What factors do you think come into play?

iBreakUp with you online

Break ups have reached a new low. For those who are too spineless to break up with someone in person, by phone or even by personalized e-mail, there is iBreakUp.net. It's almost too unbelievable to be true.

Here's how it works. Once at the Web site, you click on whether you're breaking up with "him" or "her." After entering the e-mail addresses of you and the poor soul you're about to ditch, you are taken to a page that allows you to preselect a reason for the break up. Possible reasons range from the usual, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," to the absurd, "I cheated on you with one of the Backstreet Boys," to the probably true but rarely said, "I only loved you because you had a puppy!"

There also is a space for you to write your own personalized message.

Then choose your closing from a drop-down menu, click send, and you're done! Well, that is, until the person you just broke up with sends you a similarly witty make up message back.

What's the worst way someone has broken up with you? What about the worst way you've broken up with someone else?

Tagging along to disaster?

Last night, I watched a new episode of Making the Band 4 that took me back to an all-too familiar place.

For those who don't know, this season is focused on a girl group, known as Danity Kane, a solo artist and a male vocal group trying to create their albums. In between, there is supposed to be all kinds of hooking up and drama.

Now that we have that out of the way, in last night's episode, one of the guys in the group, Q, is interested in one of the girls from the group, Dawn. Well, in an effort to get a date, Q decides to bring his friend Robert and Dawn convinces D. Woods from her group to engage in the double date scenario.

Long story short, D. Woods and Robert get into an heated argument resulting in Dawn and Q going out by themselves and having a nice date.

Watching this made me think of times when my girl friends were interested in guys who were stopping by or going out with friends and my friend would find herself in the mix. Sometimes, they would call on me or another friend to "keep the friend busy."

Sometimes, the friends would turn out to be cool. It may not go anywhere but you were able to hold down a conversation for the better portion of a night.

Other times, however, were not so easygoing. Sometimes, there would be no chemistry whatsoever so you're sitting there in awkward silence. In some cases, the other person may just be a jerk. And then there's the good old-fashion case where the two of you just disagree on everything which could lead to an argument somewhere down the line. And let's not forget the guy (or girl) who is seeing this as an avenue just to get some action. Either way, the whole episode ends up feeling like a waste of time.

Have you ever been the tag-along or asked your friend to tag along? Are these ventures usually successes for you or have they led to dating disasters?

Great date, then cold shoulder

Sometimes it's fairly obvious a date is going nowhere.

There's a lack of conversation, a lack of chemistry and all you can think about is how you want to go home and take a bubble bath at the end of the night. It's not shocking at all when you awkwardly hug goodbye and never hear from the other person again.

But other dates seem so optimistic. The conversation is equal and fulfilling, you look dreamily into each other's eyes and feel a rush of adrenaline when it's time for a good night kiss. With such a good first date (or even second or third), you just know you'll receive a phone call soon. That's why it's so devastating when you don't.

Many daters have had great dates but no call backs, leaving them to wonder what went wrong and why they suddenly are receiving a cold shoulder from someone who they thought they connected with.

There are basically two ways to deal with such a situation: put the whole date (and person) out of your mind and chalk it up to experience or call the other person yourself and ask what happened.

More likely than not, forgetting the date is probably the best way to go. Most of the time, a lack of a phone call means that, for whatever reason, this person is not interested. But there are those slim chances that the other person lost your number or is really too shy to dial the digits.

From there, the burned dater just has to decide if it's worth possible embarrassment to find out why a person didn't pick up the phone.

How do you deal with getting the cold shoulder after what seemed to be a great date? What are some reasons someone might not call, even if the date was good? Do you have any personal experience on either side?

The politics of a relationship

Next Tuesday, Georgia voters will head to the polls along with voters in 20 other states around the country for their presidential primary.

But what happens when you plan to vote for John McCain and your significant other is a staunch Barack Obama supporter?

On the surface, politics don't appear to play any significant role in a relationship. I don't think anyone asks for someone's party affiliations when retrieving the vital information.

However, how you feel about certain issues can be an indication of your values. Values, as we all know, play a very important role in every relationship. If two people do not share enough of the same values, their relationship will likely fail. There may be some passionate, heated arguments in between, but unless common ground can be met, it's likely a no-go.

Do politics matter in a relationship? Do you think two people who believe in two completely different political philosophies can have a successful relationship?