One piece of sage advice for dating and relationships: Don't get involved with someone who has more problems than you.
I can't remember where I heard or read that, but I think it has at least an ounce of credibility. I have one friend who always seems gets involved with guys who have more problems than her. They smoke pot, they're lazy and seem to have no driving ambition in life. Friends have speculated that she has "Florence Nightingale Syndrome," that is, she thinks she can help or save these guys from their own inevitable demise. Usually these guys just end up freeloading off her and they inevitably break up when she realizes what crappy boyfriends they are.
People can have other types of problems, too. They can have financial problems, health problems, past relationship problems (ie, crazy exes), cheating problems and the list goes on. And although I generally agree that you shouldn't get involved with someone with more problems than you, I can't help but feel there are some problems that may be forgiven.
For instance, what if you are dating the perfect man in virtually all aspects, but he is $20,000 in debt and has problems managing his money? What if you are dating the near perfect woman, but she has to have a restraining order against her ex husband? Both of these situations would cause extra stress on the relationship as well as your own personal life, but if you didn't accept them, you would not have this other wonderful person in your life as well.
Are there some problems that couples can cope with together? Or is it just sound advice to never get involved with anyone who has more problems than you? Should we just look for someone whose life is as equally messed up as our own?
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Dating someone with more problems than you
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3 comments:
Most people come with extra baggage in some form or another. The thing is, it needs to be all out on the table. You can handle anything in a relationship as long as you know up front how heavy the baggage is. If their baggage is more than you can handle, let someone else carry it.
To quote one of my favorite musicals... I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.
Everyone has something wrong with them, it's a matter of finding someone who balances well with you. Maybe my man will have financial issues... I'm pretty good with money. I probably need someone who is punctual and plans well.
I dated a girl one time who had a child at 17, gave the child up, had an eating disorder, had seziures because of the child, parents divorced, step brothers were perverts,. . . .I'm probably leaving some stuff out. . .anyway we dated for a while and we had our problems. . . but it wasnt until I screwed up that we broke up . . . .I guess my point is that "baggage" is over-come-able if both parties are willing to work . . .and I dont think it all needs to be "on the table" when you start. You wouldnt ever date anyone if the moment you met, they told you everything that was wrong with them (i.e. the crazy at the bar that insists on sharing their life story after 3 or 4 jager bombs) granted it needs to come out eventually. . . .but dont go publishing your problems on your myspace
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