A dear friend of mine is afraid of commitment. Not entirely uncommon because many people have a hard time making the transition from single to relationship, but this person is extra special when it comes to relationships. Predictable, even. My friend will meet someone that is truly interesting, they may have a bond and it will go well for say, three months.
Seriously, a clock needs to be started because it's all of three months. And then when it apears that the relationship may be headed for something serious, my friend is out the door. No real reasons, except, perhaps the "clingy" excuse or the "moving at different speeds" excuse. Nothing that can't really be cured with a good sitdown talk and coming to some understanding.
But instead of having a talk about slowing the relationship down or perhaps explaining why my friend gets to feeling that way, the relationship just ends. Clean and simple...no problems, really. Except for the other person who is wondering what exactly just happened and why? With no talk, there are no answers.
There's no real explanation for the commitment-phobe, except, of course, that this person got incredibly hurt in the past and is now excessively cautious. But aren't we set up to get hurt and bounce back and try again? Isn't that what this whole relationship deal is all about? I am always confused as to why someone who hates commitment than repeatedly tried to find a significant other...if you don't want to get serious with someone, why date in the first place? It's just one big confusing drama — want to have companionship, but not a relationship. One doesn't happen without the other.
Have you ever dealt with or gotten into a relationship with a commitment-phobe? Or are you one yourself? What's going on there?
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Commitment-phobes
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4 comments:
haha, you might as well be describing me! I also freak out at about 2-3 months or so. There have really only been two people who have made it past that, one being my current boyfriend. I quietly freaked out with the first guy, but made it through for another couple of months. At 3 months with my current guy, I had no feelings of even slightly wanting to bolt. For me that is very significant. This relationship shows some very very good potential. I even tried to freak out and I couldn't. I can see a future with him and I have never been able to do that with anyone before. It has now been about 8 months, no freak out in sight!
I call it growing. . .
Haha, anon., that's funny that you tried to freak yourself out.
I don't know that commitment phobes really exist. Sure there are people who never commit, but perhaps it's because they don't want to commit with the person they're with. When the right person comes around, like in anon's case, I predict the commitment phobia will disappear.
I'm going to take a line from a now famous book in this case: if your significant other is acting like a commitment phobe, I'm sorry, but "he's just not that into you."
Interesting. I have a friend whose "relationships" last him six-eight weeks. And yes, he had a traumatic experience with a girl he was engaged to, a few years ago. He's in his thirties now and he has quite a reputation for being a flirt, immature, manipulative and fickle minded. And it's a shame because he's a wonderful man... I hope he learns how to deal with people, especially women, before he gets too old. And I hope he learns to deal with his own ghosts. I think he doesn't really love himself enough. Arrogance is not self confidence.
Wow--- amazing....Im so glad that Im not the only one.... I just went thru this...except my relationship lasted a tad longer. Then all the sudden...I got the..Im not ready to go where this relationship is going and poof..it was done. I had no say and was left out in the cold... as the months have past I finally got past " what did I do wrong" and realized... he is a commit phobe~ amazing the way this works out.. BIG SIGH....
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