Caught red-handed and still lying

Back in college, one of my friends dated a guy named Jason. We all thought he was a pretty cool guy, nice and fun to hang out with. That is, until his girlfriend contacted my friend and informed her that he was playing both of them.

Some quick Internet sleuthing confirmed her story. My friend, who unknowingly became "the other woman," confronted Jason. He denied everything. She laid out all the evidence of his cheating ways, and he still had the gall to look her in the eye and lie to her. Ridiculous. Since my friend's a smart girl, she stopped seeing him, of course.

It baffles me why some people continue to lie after being caught -- with pretty hard evidence no less. An answer to a question posed on www.truthaboutdeception.com, offers some insight to why this is:

From your husband’s point of view there are two possible outcomes: 1) lie about what happened with the hope of diffusing your anger with confusion. Or he can 2) tell the truth and get punished even more.

By nature, people are designed to avoid punishment – often resorting to telling lies when necessary to do so. Often this is an unconscious response, which is developed early in life (see, lying comes easy). Given this dynamic, it is easy to understand why most cheating spouses lie, even when confronted with evidence of their actions.

I'm a little dissatisfied that the answer basically says that it's human nature to lie, but I guess that goes back to the innate aim of self-preservation.

Have you ever caught someone in a lie and they continued lying? What did they lie about? How did you respond? Have you ever been caught in a lie and kept lying to try to ward off punishment? Why do you think some people continue to lie even after being caught?

Put me in coach, get me ready for Valentine's Day

Television talk shows have recently taught me that men are willing to boldly go where they never gone before.

In these days of televised marriage proposals and outlandish expressions of love, more and more men are willing to seek the help of a relationship coach to move beyond the typical flowers and candy. And if they are sticking with that tradition (because obviously, it's not a bad one), they want to learn how to make it more special.

On the one hand, I think it's great that some guys realize they need help and seek it. On the other hand, a part of me wonders if this leads to less creativity and originality on a guy's part. For me, one of the best parts of a relationship is when a guy digs to learn enough about you to make any romantic occasion special. Even if the results aren't perfect, you know it's sincere. With a romance coach, you have to wonder if your guy is following the same exact advice as hundreds of other men on the coach's client list.

For guys, would you consider consulting a relationship coach for Valentine's Day or any other major romantic event? For gals, does it matter to you if a guy seeks this type of assistance on Valentine's Day?

How close is too close?

I'm pretty sure almost all of you agree that it is acceptable for members of a couple to have friends of the opposite sex. That's pretty universal and generally accepted.

But is there a point when a friendship becomes too close? I'm not talking about close physically but rather close emotionally. Does the relationship ever reach the point in which a member of the couple is having an emotional affair?

For instance, if a man and a woman have been close friends for years before an established relationship and have long, heartfelt discussions with each other, does this constitute emotional cheating? Is it different if the man and woman in question became friends after the relationship started?

Emotional affairs can be dangerous because they often lead to physical affairs. Eighty-two percent of affairs happen with someone who started out as "just a friend," according to an infidelity researcher.

Although emotional affairs probably have been going ever since people started coupling up, they have really only gained attention recently, probably because of the widespread belief that if someone's not physically cheating, it's not really cheating. My boyfriend and I were discussing the topic of emotional affairs the other night, and he hadn't even heard the terminology before.

But back to the question at hand: how close is too close in a friendship? How would you define emotional cheating?

Online dating blunders

Many of us today use the Internet as a way to meet potential romantic partners.

However, like mentioning your ex too much on a first date, it comes with a slew of catastrophes in just trying to know the person. And they can be quite irritating if you keep running into the same problems after awhile.

When it comes to online dating services, there's nothing better than the high school photo of a 45 year old who is divorced with three kids. There are also the people who cannot write a single sentence without using incorrect grammar or misspelling everything. Let's not even go into those that think that overuse of current slang and profanity must be a turn-on.

It's not just limited to online dating services. Everybody loves the guy who finds you on MySpace and just says "Hi there." If he does say more than that, it may be a cheesy pick-up line or an inappropriate comment about your profile photo.

And no matter where you go online, lying about your living situation or whether you have children is not appealing.

What irks you the most when trying to meet people online?

Penciling in "me time"

Sometimes everyone just needs a little alone time.

Whether you're in a relationship or married, being around the same person day after day can wear on your nerves if you don't get a little time to yourself. Call it "me time."

My boyfriend spends most of his "me time" playing video games -- something I'm not very adept at or even wish to do.

I spend most of my "me time" watching chick flicks or going shopping.

What do you do for your "me time"? Are there some things that you would just rather do alone? Or are there some things that you do yourself because your SO isn't interested?

Hiding your relationships

When you're getting to know someone, maintaining a low-key profie is completely understandable. The person may not be around after awhile and you don't want to hear "what ever happened to........?"

However, if you've been in an official relationship with someone for a good amount of time and your family and friends don't know, that may be a problem.

I think you have to ask yourself why are you keeping this from them. Is it because you think they won't approve? Are you embarrassed about the person you're dating? Or is it that you think telling people you are happy in a relationship will have an adverse effect on the relationship?

Mind you, I have witnessed someone telling her family "my husband and I are having a baby" only for everyone to respond "You're married?" She had been married for a year and wanted a period of wedded bliss without interference from the family.

Do you think it is right to ever hide a relationship from your family and friends? If not, why do you think that way? If so, what do you think is an appropriate amount of time?

Paychecks big and small

Does the size of a significant other's paycheck affect whether you would marry him (or her)?

The socially acceptable answer is, "No, of course not!" Love trumps money, after all.

But let's play devil's advocate for a moment. How much money a significant other makes greatly affects how you will be able to live your life. Marrying someone with a hefty paycheck allows for vacations, a big house, nice cars and a new wardrobe every season. Marrying someone with a modest paycheck means watching every penny you spend and always ordering the least expensive thing on the menu.

For someone who grew up wealthy, it might be hard to adjust to live in the same world as a sexy starving artist.

That's not to say it can't be done or that a person's financial profile is more important than their personality. It's just an example that shows there are some arguments for factoring paychecks into the equation.

So now I leave it to you: How much does a person's paycheck matter? Do you have a rule, like "I will never marry anyone who makes less than X amount of dollars"? Would the reason why a person makes little money matter at all? For example, if someone worked for a cause they really cared about but made no money, would that be different than flipping burgers and making no money?

So what do you call him?

Recently, my friend told me the story of one of her aunts hitting the dating scene after getting a divorce at 37. Her aunt finally found someone who was worth her time, but whenever she would introduce him to other people, she would just say "my friend."

Of course, my friend had to ask her why she didn't use the term "boyfriend." Her aunt's response: "Boyfriend is a term I haven't used since college."

My friend nor I knew that the term shouldn't be used after a certain time. Plus, I think it's cute when senior citizens use the term, especially when they go out on dates. I mean you could use terms like companion and significant other, but I've found that unless your people know who you're dating, they begin questioning the person's gender. And that leads you down the road to a whole other blog.

Do you think "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" are terms that expire at a certain age? If you don't use those titles, what do you call the person if you're not married?

Getting lucky tonight?

When I saw an article on askmen.com titled, Top 10: Signs you'll get lucky, I was interested to know what men thought women did when they wanted to "get lucky" on any given night.

Most of the signs relate to good flirtation and do not necessarily mean a woman is going to sleep with a man. Perhaps the article instead should have been titled, "Top 10: Signs a woman is actually interested in you."

But No. 3 really clinches it for guys wanting to get down: She starts talking dirty.

Really, if a woman starts talking dirty to a guy shortly after she meets him, there is nowhere else that relationship is going except immediately to the bedroom.

The rest of the top 10 include:
10. She buys you a drink.
9. She touches you.
8. She compliments you.
7. She's making eye contact.
6. She lets you touch her.
5. She leans in.
4. She shares private details.
3. She starts talking dirty.
2. She shows you her tattoo.
1. She splits a cab with you.

Anyone have anything else to add to the list?

A possible combination: single, happy and female

Recently, Rose blogged on being single and loving it. However, oftentimes, I meet women who cannot grasp that being single can be a positive thing. (Not saying there aren't men like that out there. I just have a feeling there will be more women on Valentine's Day moaning and groaning about having not having someone than there will be men.)

Therefore, instead of just throwing the concept out there, I found ways to become a happy, single woman. The author offered 10 ways to stop thinking being a single woman is gloom and doom. The gist of her instructions are be positive, self-loving and even a little selfish.

I liked her top 10 so much that I thought I would add a few more.

1) Hang around true guy friends. I'm not talking about the ones you secretly want to date. I'm talking about the ones who are so true to themselves when they are around you that you have to wonder if they still classify you as a woman. Do this around Superbowl time or football season and you will have a fun-filled testosterone fix in no time.

2) Become involved. We can't say this enough on here. Find a cause that you're passionate about or an organization you want to join and become active. Take it from me, if you really love it and you truly participate, you will be too distracted to think about anything else. Your calendar will fill up with tons to do.

3) Fake it until you make it. There are some days where you just have to tell yourself that you're happy and plaster on a smile. On these days, I suggest throwing on your personal feel-good music (I prefer rocking out to Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T.") and just trying to be positive when everything isn't going exactly right. By the end of the day, even if you still aren't 100 percent happy, you're still going to wind up feeling 100 times better than if you had let the doldrums take over your day.

Are there any happy, single woman out there? What tips would you give to other single women on how to take advantage of their current status and be happy?

Inter-relationship lending

I have a rule that I will never lend money to anyone. It doesn't matter if it's $5 or upwards of $100. It doesn't matter if you're my boyfriend, best friend, sister, co-worker or casual acquaintance. It's not personal; it's just a policy I have.

You can call me stingy if you want, but my reasons are much more important than money. Time and time again relationships are ruined over money. Loans that aren't paid or paid in a timely matter can result in fights, or even court cases, between two friends. I learned this from all the years my parents' have religiously watched "Judge Judy."

Even if I completely trust the other person to pay me back, there is still the possibility of feeling resentment toward the borrower. If, following the loan, the other person spends money on what seems to be "wants" rather than needs, I'll wonder why that person is spending so frivolously when he or she still owes me money. Insert arguments here.

For these reasons, I believe it's best to leave money out of the relationship.

Would you ever lend money to a significant other? Why or why not? If have have lent money before, how did it turn out?

Dating after death

One of my favorite songs of the moment is "Like You'll Never See Me Again" by a little-known artist named Alicia Keys.

The entire premise of the song is to show as much love as possible to someone while they are alive because you never know when they will meet their end.

And when that end comes, the living partner must move on with their life. But when and how should they go about doing that?

This is one scenario where I have no personal experience. However, I have known people, both fairly young and old, who've lost a significant other. The one thing I can say from observing all their situation is it is not something that is easier to deal with just because you're older.

The older people I know opted not to date and became more involved in social and community activities. The younger ones eventually got back out there after timetables of their own choice. When they made this decision, they admitted feeling guilty and tackling people's perceptions of them.

Do you think there is an appropriate timetable to date someone after SO died? When someone does take that leap, how should they approach it?

Plan B

... and no, I'm not talking about the emergency contraceptive.

I'm talking about the fall back plans people make when the first fall-in-love-and-marry-the-person-of-my-dreams plan doesn't work out exactly as planned.

Some vow they will just stop trying if they reach a certain age and remain unmarried. Others may decide they'll settle for the next least offensive person who walks through their door. And some make pacts with friends, agreeing that if neither of them are married by a certain age, they then will marry each other.

The problem with Plan B, though -- and this really applies to all Plan Bs -- is that it's a second choice, the not preferred option to go with. Does this mean that, ultimately, people who choose to carry out Plan B are doomed to be unhappy because it is not what they really wanted?

On the flip side, you could argue that having some choice is better than no choice at all because at least then you have some control over the situation.

Do you have a Plan B? What is it? Do you think it will make you happy? Have you or anyone you know gone through with a Plan B? How did it work out?

Playing private eye in your relationship

Having survived a quarter of a century on this Earth, I can admit that my curiosities have gotten the best of me in a relationship and led to a snooping spree. I mean cell phone records and e-mail as well as looking through texts.

Since this is a public domain, I will not put forth my secrets because they may be needed for future. But playing private eye in a relationship, especially in these times of MySpace and Facebook, is something many Web sites indicate that most women, and some men, do.

The only thing about snooping is you are almost never prepared for what you find. You may find that an ex-SO is still around. You may find that they are on the prowl for the next SO. You could find that while you think you are exclusive, you are only one of many. Heck, you may find they want or have another SO of the same gender. And usually,the big shocker is when you find nothing and either feel bad because your actions were unmerited or your SO is just that good at hiding their dirt.

And of course, if you feel the need to snoop, it may show there's at least a small lack of trust in your relationship. The act of snooping itself sometimes speaks more volumes than the uncovered information..

Have you ever snooped around when it comes to your SO? How did you do it and what did you find? How did you react?

The No. 1 reason people get divorced

It's long been said that money issues are the No. 1 reason why people divorce.

But not anymore, according to a new poll commissioned by Divorce360.com, a support site for people going through a divorce. Financial reasons fell to No. 2 on the list of top causes for divorce.

So what's the new No. 1 reason? Physical or verbal abuse, according to the poll. Thirty-six percent of respondents said abuse was the cause of their divorce. Twenty-two percent said they divorced due to financial issues.

The results can be taken several ways: Either more people are getting out of abusive marriages (which is good) or there are more abusive marriages (which is bad). This also could mean that couples are finding more ways to compromise on finances and work through tough problems involving money.

What do you think of the results? Does it even matter what the reasons are that cause people to divorce? If we know the reasons, can we avoid them?

When diamonds aren't forever

Now we are transitioning from the Christmas season where you are bombarded with jewelry commercials to Valentine's Day when you are overtaken by even more commercials displaying diamonds as a way to a girl's heart.

But what happens when that diamond is set in an engagement ring that you no longer have any use for because the good times are over. He may just realize he cannot be married to an obsessive compulsive woman or you may have just caught him cheating on you with the woman up the street. Whatever the reason, the party is over and now this symbolic gesture has turned into a hassle.

For those of you who sneer when the DeBeer's commercials run across your screen, just know that broken engagements are common enough that states have laws on the books regarding who gets the ring in the end.

I think no matter what I would prefer to just give the engagement ring back. Once the wedding's off, who needs a symbol of what is never going to happen.

Who do you think should get the ring in a broken engagement? Have you ever been in this situation and how did you handle it?

Single and loving it

I stumbled across a site last week, SingleEdition.com, that calls itself "a lifestyle destination that embraces the culture of single living."

There are no profiles or matchmaking services. This site is meant solely for singles who believe there's more to life than dating. The site offers a variety articles, advice columns and how-to tips for singles (although those in a relationship could benefit from some of the knowledge as well). Right on the homepage, singles are offered fashion tips, an opportunity to connect with other solo travelers and an examination of whether those not in a relationship are falling in love with their work.

Although the purpose of the site is to keep singles from feeling like their lives are not as rich because they don't have a significant other, an article in The New York Times about SingleEdition.com points out a potential pitfall.

Sasha Cagen, author of “Quirkyalone,” which spawned a Web site for singles (quirkyalone.net), said that Single Edition seemed like a “great concept,” but that “their challenge is very tricky: there’s this edge of pathetic-ness that you have to be careful not to go that far into.”

She gave the example of a coffee maker featured on Single Edition that brews just one cup. “Products that imply perpetual singlehood make the user feel like this is it, single forever,” Ms. Cagen said.

That example might be a bit extreme, though. It's not like you can never buy a new coffee maker.

What do you think about the concept of embracing singledom? Admittedly, some people do this better than others. Do you typically do what you want even though you're single, or do you focus all your energy on finding the next date? Are there some things that are just better when you're single? Are there some things that are just better when you're part of a couple?

The hibernating female

If your female friends are anything like mine, they go missing once they enter a new relationship- a time that I like to deem the hibernation period.

They stop taking phone calls. Or, if they do take phone calls, it's right before they are headed to their new lover's place or right before he is about to come over. And, of course, the new beau is the hot topic of discussion (much to the chagrin of your single friends who haven't had a guy since Beverly Hills 90210 was the show to watch). If you can get a few minutes of their time in person, they are watching their cell phone and their watch like a hawk because they're counting down the minutes until they hear their guy's voice or see their guy's face.

Now, I think it's okay to be this way for maybe two to three months. The relationship is new and you want to relish every moment of it.

However, I've seen people act this way throughout the entire course of a year-long relationship. Actually, when the person started returning phone calls almost a year later, everybody knew the relationship was over.

And, as more and more people that I know get married, I'm noticing there can be a second bout of hibernation during the newlywed phase. They can't do anything without the other present. Don't even attempt to call them during the first six months.

Now, I will admit that I have committed the same crime myself when starting anew with a significant other. However, it usually doesn't last for more than two to three months because eventually I realize that I have to notify some people that I am alive. Then I return to my friends, who of course have to admonish me for my disappearance before they acccept me with open arms. They have to because they know the second they meet a special someone, we will just trade seats.

When you enter into a relationship, do you enter this hibernation phase? If not, how are you able to avoid it? If so, how long does it usually last?

Couples who can't agree on marriage

Ask and you shall receive. A fellow blogger has suggested we discuss views on marriage, since one of his/her resolutions for the new year is to determine whether to stay with an SO who has a different view on marriage.

To most people, marriage signifies a life-long commitment. It is a symbol that two people have agreed to devote their lives to one another. But because of the fact that now a majority of marriages fail, some people do not view marriage as the symbol that it once was. The act of marriage, to some, has become meaningless. To them, staying together for eternity without what can be seen as an obligatory bond, is much more meaningful than just saying a few vows that all too often are broken. Staying together because you want to be together -- not because a piece of paper says you should be -- shows true commitment.

Obviously, this would be a difficult thing to compromise or meet in the middle on. You're either married or you're not. So what do you do when one person wants to get married but the other doesn't? Let's assume for the sake of this conversation that both members of the couple are in a committed relationship, and they genuinely want to spend the rest of their lives together -- just one doesn't want to make it official legally/in the eyes of God.

In the instance that two people share these differing views, they should sit down together and truly discuss what matters more: the view of marriage or the person they're with. If the person who wants to get married would be unhappy by staying with someone out of wedlock for the rest of their life, then perhaps this is a hurdle that is too tall for the couple to jump together. On the other hand, if the person who is against marriage as an institution finds that an SO is more important, that person could agree to be married for the sake of the SO.

In my personal opinion, I think that if you plan on being together forever, there is no harm in marrying. In fact, it gives you a chance to prove that marriages do work and maybe lower that divorce rate a little.

What do you think? Is it possible for two people with different views on marriage to continue a relationship? Have you been in the situation where one of you wanted to marry but the other one didn't? What were the reasons? How did the relationship work out?

Old crap and new year don't mix

I look at moving into a new year like moving into a new house. When you're in the packing phase, you get to decide what you want to take and what you want to leave or throw away.

Over the past few weeks, I've discussed this notion with friends, both male and female, especially when it comes to relationships. Honestly, some relationships are just not good for you and you have to let them go.

I'm not just talking about serious relationships. I'm talking about sexual relationships where one person may become attached while the other one is just into the physical. I'm talking about the person who knows you are into them and plays with your emotions knowing they will never see you that way. They just like the attention so they keep it going.

There is nothing positive about such a relationship. It leaves you feeling sad and emotional over someone who truly is not worth it. They obviously don't respect you so there's no point in letting them fill space in your mind or allotting them any more of your time.

That's why I say what better time is there to put an end to it than a new year. I know we're a few days into it but there's still time to get rid of old garbage.

Are there any situations or relationships that you decided to leave in 2007? Have you ever made such a plan and stuck to it? If so, how did you do it?

Resolve to love in 2008

Good morning, bloggers!

Now that all the holiday festivities have winded down, I hope all of you are well rested and ready for the new year. As with anything else in our lives, 2008 brings all of us a fresh start with our relationships. We can nurture our good relationships and kill off the bad ones. We can forget 2007's bad dates and break-ups and vow to change the way we go about finding the love of our lives.

With this in mind, I have made some of my own New Year's resolutions pertaining specifically to love and relationships.

1. I will be less critical and more accepting of the people I love.

2. I will be less jealous when other women flirt with my boyfriend (as long as he doesn't flirt back).

3. I will occasionally surprise my boyfriend in some way, such as a gift, trip or card, to let him know that I appreciate him.

Have you thought about any resolutions for your love life this year?

Possible resolutions for singles could include vowing to try a new activity each month to help expand the dating pool or promising to embrace your singledom.

Possible resolutions for others in relationships could be to drop a cheating boyfriend or cook dinner for your loved one once a week.

Go ahead and give it a try. What are your new year's resolutions for your love life?